Flogometer for Mike: would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Mike’s first 16 lines:

I pressed my cheek against the rock face when the first arrow struck. A quick scan for my next cover found another boulder thirty paces downhill. Good. From that point the tree line would be in reach. The arrow embedded in the slope below me froze my blood; it’s red and black fletching unmistakable. It wasn't the first time a client lied about the details of a target, but crossing Zanorus wasn't something I would’ve chosen. The robber baron's influence was expanding, but this remote keep? This would require a significant adjustment to my fee, maybe coupled with a swift kick in the pants for Iliam. “Kas,” he had told me, “It’s simply a family heirloom. They just want it back for sentimental reasons…”

Another arrow struck near the first, followed instantly by a third. A second archer had joined in from the parapet. Soon guards would be streaming from the main gate like insects from a disturbed hive. I scanned the horizon. Another hour of daylight, but darkness would envelope the forest beneath much sooner. The grade below was too steep for horses, a key factor in my escape plan. Voices and the clink of weapons rounded the keep. It was time. Drawing my cloak’s hood tight and clutching my prize, I made off down the slope.

Shouts rang from the parapet, followed by the hissing of arrows passing in flight. With a controlled slide and a quick-scramble, I arrived at the next refuge. My effort garnered a shower (snip)

Despite some nitpicks, I wanted more

I like the voice, the character seems like an interesting rogue, and the action raised good story questions. A small example of voice that came on the next page that I think would serve even better on the first was this: after a soldier shouted “Halt, thief!” at him, his response was

Did that ever work? I mean, really…

Now for some notes:

I pressed my cheek against the rock face when the first arrow struck. A quick scan for my next cover found another boulder thirty paces downhill. Good. From that point the tree line would be in reach. The arrow embedded in the slope below me froze my blood; it’s red and black fletching unmistakable. It wasn't the first time a client had lied about the details of a target, but crossing Zanorus wasn't something I would’ve chosen. The robber baron's influence was expanding, but this remote keep? This would require a significant adjustment to my fee, maybe coupled with a swift kick in the pants for Iliam. “Kas,” he had told me, “It’s simply a family heirloom. They just want it back for sentimental reasons…” (I thought the first sentence was too lean, and lacked the information I needed to “see” clearly. First, “rock face” turned out to be misleading—I took it to mean the face of a cliff, when it’s actually that of a boulder. Also, I had no clue as to where the arrow struck—in his back? Inches away? I would suggest something like I pressed my cheek against the boulder when the first arrow struck the slope a few inches below my feet. The next reference to “boulder” could be changed to something like “a larger rock.” And then there’s his frozen blood (a cliché) that has red and black fletching—an antecedent problem there. I know that the sentence about the robber baron is intended to let us know who’s after him, but the detail about his influence expanding didn’t seem relevant to the situation, and I’d look for another way to get his robber baron status into the narrative.)

Another arrow struck near the first, followed instantly by a third. A second archer had joined in from the parapet. Soon guards would be streaming from the main gate like insects from a disturbed hive. I scanned the horizon. Another hour of daylight, but darkness would envelope the forest beneath much sooner. The grade below was too steep for horses, a key factor in my escape plan. Voices and the clink of weapons rounded the keep. It was time. Drawing my cloak’s hood tight and clutching my prize, I made off down the slope. (Maybe it’s just me and the early hour, but I didn’t get how sounds could “round” the keep.)

Shouts rang from the parapet, followed by the hissing of arrows passing in flight , some only missing by inches. With a controlled slide and a quick-scramble, I arrived at the next refuge. My effort garnered a shower (snip) (I suggest the change in this paragraph because arrows passing would be, by definition, in flight, so those words were unnecessary, but it seemed like an opportunity to crank up the danger a little)

Nice work, Mike. Keep looking for fresh eyes to help vacuum up the nitpicks and you’re on your way.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. Email: email 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Tony DiMeo]

I liked it Mike. Although, the first time through I was a little confused. I think it was because I couldn't see a clear picture of where the character was. First his face is up against a rock, then he was looking 30 feet downhill but got spooked by another arrow somewhere below him. Then there was the tree line ahead.

At first it wasn't clear if the enemy was behind him or in front of him. Was he ducking for cover as he made his way downhill (towards the enemy)? Or were they nipping at his heels as he worked his way towards his goal?

It was this initial confusion which kept me from "turning the page." After re-reading it a second time I would turn the page to see if he was able to cut his way through the enemy forces.

[Jessica]

This was an engaging opening. The tension was dissipated, though, IMO, by overwriting, especially in the first paragraph. That first paragraph left me confused. You might consider dividing what's happening at the moment and the reflections on the heirloom into two different paragraphs.

But there's an interesting scene here, and some good sensory detail. I'd have turned the page.

[Jodi]

I like this part: "This would require a significant adjustment to my fee, ... They just want it back for sentimental reasons…” And how the next arrow interrupts his thoughts. But for what seems like it should be swift actions, like "quick scan", the way it is worded and some of the information makes it seem . . . slower.

Jodi

[Dai Alanye]

The action is immediately interupted by a great deal too much backstory, right in the first para. Being an impatient soul, I might well have re-shelved the book, not bothering to read further. I'd probably try to make it leaner, put more action on thefirst page.

The irony is good, though.

Dai

[Mike Murbach]

Ray,

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to post. Just a comment: you referred to Kas as a "him". Did you read all the way to the end? I specifically set the trap of assumption by not divulging the character's sex by assigning an androgynous name. At the end all us sexists maybe surprised to learn that Kas is a female :)

Cheers,
Mike

PS Thank you all for the helpful advice.

[Christine H]

I voted to turn the page. I really liked it, and I'm a fan of backstory so that didn't bother me. But you guys probably already knew that.

But, I'm surprised that no has noticed that "it’s red and black fletching" should be "ITS red and black fletching." ;-)

[hope101]

I like the premise, the stakes, the action, and the flashes of wry humor. To that end, I'm going to be excessively picky with you, because I think this could be a lot stronger.

1. For me, the infodump ruins the tension of the action. It also breaks from deep POV, which is a personal favorite/ambition of mine. (When under fire, no one is going to think about inserting in proper names and professions, except as is directly relevant to the scene.)

2. A nit: replace "insects" with an actual creature's name. If this takes place on a different planet, perhaps this could be an opportunity to insert a foreign one, as a cue to the reader where we are. If this is just medieval Earth, I still think "wasps" or "bees" would nail it just a little better.

3. There are a few reaction sequences off, for me. eg. How does the MC know it's an arrow until they've witnessed it? Wouldn't they hear it whiz by, or feel it? Have the arrow strike first, then duck for cover and search for confirmation of having been spotted.

4. Lastly, your character's voice is your gold, IMO. It reminds me a little of the panache displayed by Wesley in "The Princess Bride", as he guides his True Love through the swamp. Show that off a little more, and I'll stick with you through a lot.

So, to incorporate my suggestions, a crude rewrite, not even in your voice: MC notes the color of the fletchings and then thinks something like, "So much for a simple job with an unguarded keep." More action. "Yup, this was definitely going to require an upward adjustment of my fee, followed by a swift kick in the pants for Liam..."

And so on. Keeps in it deep 3rd, provides backstory along with action, and showcases that wry point of view which is so attractive.

Hope that helps!

[Mike Murbach]

Tony, Jessica, Jodi, Dai, Christine, and hope101,

Thank you all for the great comments! They were very helpful. Question for you guys and gals - What gender did you think Kas was when you first read the opening? I'm dying to know. I assume that most males assume she was male, but I'd love to hear what the females thought.

Thanks again,
Mike

[Christine H]

The character seemed male to me, just because of the fact that s(he) was doing such a daring thing in a medieval setting. It didn't even occur to me that it would be a female protagonist. I assumed Kas was short for Kaspar, or something like that.

[hope101]

My first assumption was that it was a male, given the setting and their goal. But the first person POV, gender-neutral name, and snark, which are very common these days with female protagonists, made me suspend final judgement.

In the end, I think you succeeded in keeping it ambivalent, yet laying enough foundation that the reveal will work.