Flogometer for Liz—would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Liz‘s first 16 lines:

He fell to his knees. The cross he always wore, a gift from his mother, hung around his neck. The chain was covered in blood, but the silver cross was clean, pure, and whole. Rafe Medeiros reached for it, pressed his lips to Jesus’ small feet and kissed it reverently. “Mi Dios, perdóneme. Perdóneme.” Forgive me.

His breath came in ragged sobs.

Aleesia screamed. “Papá! Papá!”

Rafe feared she was dead. For the past two weeks, he thought his irresponsible decisions had caused her death. His eyes stung for a brief, painful moment before a gush of tears streamed down his face.

Aleesia slammed into his chest. “Papá,” she whispered, her own tears falling on his shoulder.

Rafe’s arm burned where the bullet had entered. Blood dripped in hot, sticky rivulets down his back, his chest, under his arm. A large red patch covered his Armani jacket.

He breathed in the smell of her hair. His daughter. His only gift in this life -- a treasure he hadn’t appreciated until she was snatched away from him. “Mi Dios.”

For her, he would perform a thousand absolutions, a year of penance, a lifetime of atonement. If she had died, he would have no reason to live, and until he saw her, he had (snip)

I turned the page

Despite some small craft flaws, the story and the situation were strong enough to make me wonder what would happen next. Note that empathy for this character begins on this first page through his relationship with his daughter. Nothing like love to help you identify with someone. Notes:

He fell to his knees. The cross he always wore, a gift from his mother, hung around his neck. The chain was covered in blood, but the silver cross was clean, pure, and whole. Rafe Medeiros reached for it, pressed his lips to Jesus’ small feet and kissed it reverently. “Mi Dios, perdóneme. Perdóneme.” Forgive me. (A staging problem here—he can’t see the chain around his neck, so how can he know that there’s blood on it? He’s not feeling it because he has yet to reach for the cross. The adverb “reverently” really isn’t needed—the kiss and his words show reverence, so get rid of this bit of lazy telling.)

His breath came in ragged sobs. (For me, this wasn’t needed. Let’s get to the little girl.)

Aleesia screamed. “Papá! Papá!”

Rafe had feared she was dead. For the past two weeks, he’d thought his irresponsible decisions had caused her death. His eyes stung for a brief, painful moment before a gush of tears streamed down his face. (Shows you the importance of getting the tense right. Here she was screaming Papa and he feared she was dead? I don’t think so.)

Aleesia slammed into his chest. “Papá,” she whispered, her own tears falling on his shoulder. (This is backing out to a very distant point of view. He can’t see her tears falling because of where her head is. He could feel them wet his skin through his shirt, though.)

Rafe’s arm burned where the bullet had entered. Blood dripped in hot, sticky rivulets down his back, his chest, under his arm. A large red patch covered his Armani jacket. (Where is the “large red patch?” How could it cover his whole jacket? How could he see what the patch covered? Remember that “large” is a conclusion word—it’s a relative term, and doesn’t actually show the reader a picture.)

He breathed in the smell of her hair. His daughter. His only gift in this life -- a treasure he hadn’t appreciated until she was snatched away from him. “Mi Dios.”

For her, he would perform a thousand absolutions, a year of penance, a lifetime of atonement. If she had died, he would have no reason to live, and until he saw her, he had (snip) (For me, this bit of narrative didn’t add anything. His embrace, his words, the previous paragraph have pretty much let us know how intensely he feels about her. This, for me, slowed the pace of what is a fairly brisk action scene.)

Nice work, Liz. Try to stay in a close point of view instead of drifting out to see things the character can’t see, and it will be more powerful.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. Email: email 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Victoria Dixon]

I voted no because the perspective from his head to outside jarred me too much. Then his child screamed, very much alive, and he thought her dead. Sorry, I was too confused although I did like it more once I knew 1. he was injured 2. He'd fought back against ??? for his daughter. Maybe if you can begin a bit closer to that point?

[hope101]

I voted yes, because of wanting to know what he'd done, but agree 100% with Ray's edits. The tense issue after Aleesia's scream confused me in a different sense. I thought Rafe might have killed a woman, and the "she" in this paragraph referred to his victim, and not to his daughter.

Also to the POV issue, which probably matters more to me as a reader than anything else: Would he really kiss his cross before he hugs his daughter? Would he be thinking of his jacket's designer at a moment like this, or who gifted him the cross?

You have an urgent scene here and you don't want to jerk us out of it by details that don't ring true to a high stress moment.

Besides the tension, the action, and a sympathetic character, I loved the detail about the smell of her hair. That sort of visceral reaction rings true to high drama.

[Justina]

I voted no, mostly because the way the scene was set up made me feel like this was one of those "The end is the beginning" type novels, and I absolutely hate those. I was also confused as to why he thought his daughter was dead when she was obviously screaming at him, but perhaps this type of opening would work for someone less put off by disordered storytelling.

[Dai Alanye]

Moving but confusing. I lean more and more to the idea that a degree of scene-setting helps many hook-type openings.

A few too many minor details and POV problems, but I would have turned the page.

[Marcel]

I voted no. It's a great idea for a beginning, and has all the elements to hook, but the writer didn't deliver. Staging issues are what stopped me from voting yes. I'd follow Ray's suggestions and go from there. It's really not that far from being in tiptop shape. Good luck with it.

[Jessica]

It's a tense opening scene, but I found it hard to figure out what was going on. Was he holding his daughter? Was he shot or her? Whose was the blood? I voted no because although the events were compelling, it was too difficult for me to picture the scene and tell what was actually happening.

[Kami]

I almost voted yes, but had to vote no in the end. Despite good writing, it felt like a gimmick. It starts too late in the situation. Why would he think his daughter was dead? And there was a narrative delay in his realizing she was alive. I would rather have the OMG she's alive, rather than go into backstory right then. And that's what made me lose faith in the narrative.

I hope this helps!

[Peabody Bradford]

How about making a more logical progression. The first line should be:

Rafe had feared she was dead. For the past two weeks, he thought his irresponsible decisions had caused her death. His eyes stung for a brief, painful moment before a gush of tears streamed down his face.

Aleesia screamed. “Papá! Papá!”

Aleesia slammed into his chest. “Papá,” she whispered, her own tears falling on his shoulder.

He fell to his knees. The cross he always wore, a gift from his mother, hung around his neck. The chain was covered in blood, but the silver cross was clean, pure, and whole. Rafe Medeiros reached for it, pressed his lips to Jesus’ small feet and kissed it reverently. “Mi Dios, perdóneme. Perdóneme.” Forgive me.

...

Makes a lot more sense this way. Perhaps still treacle as we (or at least I) don't know the characters yet and so are suspicious of oversentimentality.