Flogometer for Kim: would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Kim’s first 16 lines:

He loved to hear them scream before they passed out from the pain.

Inside the abandoned warehouse that once housed a thriving trucking company, he looked down at the naked woman wrapped in commercial-grade bubble wrap, bound to a battered wooden chair with heavy metal cable, unable to move. A pretty, petite thirty-something he’d picked up in a bar the night before and had kept sedated until a half hour ago.

Her long, dark brown hair hung over her shoulders. Wide green eyes stared at him with fear and dazed awareness.

With a gloved hand, he pushed a loose strand of hair from her sweaty forehead and inhaled the sweet scent of baby oil he’d doused her body with earlier.

The woman flinched at his touch. Bubble wrap popped. She blinked repeatedly.

Poor thing. If she only knew what was about to happen. He’d remove the duct tape from her mouth soon.

He whispered. “It’s okay, Nicole.”

Tears slid down her cheeks. She shook her head. Panic intensified in her eyes, bulging, bug-like.

She knew she was going to die.

Yep, I turned the page.

Not happily, though—it’s never pleasant to be in the mind of a sick serial killer. But the “what’s gonna happen next?” question couldn’t be ignored. Interestingly to me, Kim said this was a paranormal suspense thriller (though I think, technically, it should be just “thriller” or “suspense”), and there’s nary a hint of the paranormal in this opening, nor is there in the rest of the chapter. Some notes:

He loved to hear them scream before they passed out from the pain.

Inside the abandoned warehouse that had once housed a thriving trucking company, he looked down at the naked woman wrapped in commercial-grade bubble wrap, bound to a battered wooden chair with heavy metal steel cable, unable to move. A pretty, petite thirty-something he’d picked up in a bar the night before and had kept sedated until a half hour ago. (It didn’t seem to me that the nature of the warehouse, i.e. the trucking company, was relevant or necessary. Is there such a thing as “commercial grade” bubble wrap? I’ve only seen one basic level in all the stuff I’ve received over the years. I suggest “steel” instead of “heavy metal” because it almost has to be steel, and that’s one less adjective and actually more descriptive. The last sentence feels like a fragment and disconnected from the narrative.)

Her long, dark brown hair hung over her shoulders. Wide green eyes stared at him with fear and dazed awareness.

With a gloved hand, he pushed a loose strand of hair from her sweaty forehead and inhaled the sweet scent of baby oil he’d doused her body with earlier.

The woman flinched at his touch. Bubble wrap popped. She blinked repeatedly. (The blinking didn’t seem needed or helpful. But what about sound? Would she moan? Try to speak? Would the bubble wrap pop echo in the silence?)

Poor thing. If she only knew what was about to happen. He’d remove the duct tape from her mouth soon.

He whispered, “It’s okay, Nicole.”

Tears slid down her cheeks. She shook her head. Panic intensified in her eyes, bulging, bug-like. (“Panic intensified” is “telling.” Just show with bulging eyes, maybe make the shaking of her head wild and frantic, whipping back and forth. The “bug-like” didn’t help me much, either.)

She knew she was going to die.

As I went through this cutting out adjectives, awareness of potential overwriting grew on me. Be careful of that, Kim. For example, later in the chapter you have the FBI agent do this when she’s getting ready to go out on this case:

She bent over the white pedestal sink, turned on the water and scrubbed her face, and then brushed her teeth.

None of that helps the narrative in terms of story or characterization. It only serves to slow the pace. I’d also try to avoid all the backstory elements in the rest of the chapter.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. Email: email 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Jessica]

I wouldn't have turned the page because this is absolutely completely totally not my kind of story.

BUT

I found the writing flawless and the scene compelling. Objectively, I think that this is excellent, clean, strong writing, and that if the rest story is structured as well as this first scene, you will have no trouble selling this book. Well done.

[Kim Cresswell]

Ray,

Thanks for taking a look at my first chapter. I appreciated your comments and suggestions. :) First chapters have always been a thorn in my side. lol

I've removed most of the backstory from the chapter and have added bits and pieces during conversations between Victory and her FBI partner.

I also added a scene to the first chapter which introduces the hero/antihero and his paranormal abilities.

Jessica: Thank you for your kind comments. :)

Kim

[Jodi]

Not normally my genre, I selected yes. However, I agree with the cuts suggested. Also the first line of the second paragraph seems a little . . . long. Good job overall!

Jodi

[Marcel]

I selected no for two reasons, despite the story starting in the right place and with suspense. First, there really was nothing new in this opening chapter that I haven't seen innumerable times in other openings from the villain's pov (seems all these villains take their victims--usually a prostitute or some chick they picked up at a club--to a warehouse or a dark, musty smelling basement somewhere). The word cliche crossed my mind. I wanted more originality. If there was a hint of something unique about either the villain or the victim, or the way the villain kills, that would have brought it out of the hackneyed for me.

Secondly, this selection was overwritten as Ray mentioned (and he provided great feedback, IMO).

However, I wasn't privy to the rest of the chapter and that might have turned it for me. I do love these types of stories and read them all the time. So, what I probably would have done is go to the back cover synopsis/blurb for another look before deciding whether to shelf the book or not. Give me something unique in the opening, and you've got me hooked.

[hope101]

What Jessica said. I do have a few suggestions, however.

1. Try to get into deeper third. It makes the story even more compelling. eg. "He loved to hear them scream before they passed out from the pain." In deeper POV, this might read "He wondered how long she'd scream before she passed out from the pain." Notice how you have an opportunity to insert some comment about his mental state - detachment - as well as the enjoyment?

Same thing for the warehouse. If you can sneak the details in, so that I know where we are without an explicit statement of the same, I personally find that much more effective. Staying in deep third'll also tend to protect you against overwriting.

2. Consider rewriting the scene from the victim's POV. Keep the Big Bad mysterious. If we know nothing about his mindset, yet can witness his absolute cruelty, this could be even more chilling. I think it's Allison Brennan who does this in a recent thriller that starts in a bathroom. It's terrifying.

That said, one of the more polished beginnings I've seen here. Good job.

[Christine H]

I agree with Jessica.

[Chris]

I'd definitely turn the page.

But, although very well written, I do also agree with Marcel's comments about this bordering on being a little too familiar of an opening -- the psycho serial killer with a bound and terrified female, ready to claim another victim. Given that the novel is supposed to have paranormal elements, maybe add somoe of those to the opening to add a unique twist to this familiar starting scener.

I also concur with hope101 -- the POV is a little too distant and not focused enough to create a strong sense of identification within the reader. We begin with the killer's inner thoughts ("he loved...") and shift to the victim's ("she knew...") within the short space of this tiny snippet. I prefer the close 3rd throughout a given scene, especially a tense, emotion-filled one like this. I think it helps to pull us into the story.

Lastly, Ray hit the nail on the head with his edits and suggestion to watch the excessive adjectives, extraneous details, and hints of over-writing.

But all of these are really minor things to tweak in what is an extremely solid piece of writing. well done!

[Kim Cresswell]

Thanks for all the helpful comments and suggestions. :)

Kim

[Merc]

I would like to have clicked "yes", since I also enjoy this kind of story, but I'm in agreement with Marcel's comments. It felt just too similar and predictable to what I've seen before.

I agree that getting deeper into the killer's POV and hinting at some of the paranormal elements might make it stand out more, and more of a twist or depth here would have definitely made me vote "yes".

Good luck. :)