Flogometer for Gregory—would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Gregory‘s first 16 lines:

“Did we hit a goat?” Lips asked.

Bracing herself against the bulkhead door, Theresa Partridge regained her footing, then her composure. She gave Larry Lipson, the red-faced radio announcer, her best no-worries smile.

“I’m sure it was just turbulence.”

“And they say I’m full of hot air.” Lips played maracas with his empty scotch glass. “How ‘bout a refill, sweetheart? Long flight to Boston, and BOZ is in rare form.”

Theresa leaned for his tumbler, catching Lips as he snuck a peek down her blouse. It wasn’t exactly a curse… she’d parlayed her plentiful curves into gigs as a Hooters waitress, Budweiser swimsuit model, and now, the crème de la crème, a flight attendant for Major League Baseball’s newest franchise, the Las Vegas Outlaws.

Everything about the team’s private jet was top-shelf – reclining seats, private chef, personal entertainment units, and deluxe bathrooms with more than enough room to give the shortstop 30,000-foot blow jobs.

Speaking of which, Mr. Hummer had gone two-for-three tonight. His rule: Oral only after multi-hit games.

He claimed it was to keep up his motivation. Flawed logic, obviously, as Mr. Hummer was (snip)

I wanted to, but then . . .
Nice writing, good voice, starting with a scene, a hint of sex—all good. But, when I got to the end of the first page, the tension level wasn’t there for me, and things were feeling a little scattered. In this one page, we’re introduced to five names: Theresa Partridge, Larry Lipson, Lips, BOZ, and Mr. Hummer. The jolt to the plane isn’t dramatic, and I didn’t anticipate any problems there (it crashes, everybody is killed). As it turns out, Theresa seems to be a throw-away character, and I ended up wondering why I’d gotten involved with her. Some notes:

“Did we hit a goat?” Lips asked. (Funny line, but only retroactively. Seems a waste, in a way. For me, it would have been funnier if it had come after the plane hits turbulence.)

Bracing herself against the bulkhead door, Theresa Partridge regained her footing, then her composure. She gave Larry Lipson, the red-faced radio announcer, her best no-worries smile.

“I’m sure it was just turbulence.” (If she had felt that this was an unusual jar, or that something might be wrong, the connection would have created tension. She could think something was amiss and then dismiss it, which leaves the reader wondering if she’s right or not. Maybe the pilot had told her that it was going to be a smooth flight. She could be surprised that it isn’t. Or something.)

“And they say I’m full of hot air.” Lips played maracas with his empty scotch glass. “How ‘bout a refill, sweetheart? Long flight to Boston, and BOZ is in rare form.”

Theresa leaned for his tumbler, catching Lips as he snuck sneaking a peek down her blouse. It wasn’t exactly a curse… she’d parlayed her plentiful curves into gigs as a Hooters waitress, Budweiser swimsuit model, and now, the crème de la crème, a flight attendant for Major League Baseball’s newest franchise, the Las Vegas Outlaws. (The use of “curse” confused me, perhaps because the antecedent for “it” was his peek down her blouse. I can see that it might not have been an offense, but I didn’t get where “curse” came in. I think this actually means that she thinks that her fulsome breasts aren’t a curse, but I’m not sure. And I don’t think she’d be thinking of her own curves as “plentiful.” And this is a bit of an info-dump, IMO.)

Everything about the team’s private jet was top-shelf – reclining seats, private chef, personal entertainment units, and deluxe bathrooms with more than enough room to give the shortstop 30,000-foot blow jobs. (All the info about the plane, put here to set up the blow jobs in the bathroom, slowed the pace for me.)

Speaking of which, Mr. Hummer had gone two-for-three tonight. His rule: Oral only after multi-hit games. (Here we take a little side trip. I know it’s about her character, but couldn’t it have been more simple—rather than introducing Hummer, why not give Lips the hummer? But, still, it’s a diversion from what’s really happening with the plane, isn’t it?)

He claimed it was to keep up his motivation. Flawed logic, obviously, as Mr. Hummer was (snip)

We end the first chapter with no idea of what the story is about or who it’s about. The question is, then, is this the best way to engage your reader in whatever the story is?
Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. Email: email 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Doug]

Good command of written English, but I found this opening to be incohesive to the point that it was essentially incoherent.

On page 1 I want to know who the protagonist is, I want a reason to care about him/her, I want some conflict to make me keep reading, and I want a good sense about what kind of story this is.

Here was my conclusion from that first page: the book is a sex romp and Theresa is the lead romper.

If that's not correct -- and from Ray's comments it's not -- this scene doesn't belong on page 1.

Another thing that bothered me was that the forward motion of the story is disrupted by *three* jumps backward in time: the turbulence, Theresa's work history, and Hummer's performance earlier in the day.

[hope101]

What Doug said.

I'm fine with the world-weary cynicism. I'm fine with overt sexuality. But if Theresa is your point of view character for this scene, I still see no goal, no conflict, and no motivation. Until you have those things nailed, I won't follow you past the first page. Sorry.

If you're not familiar with it already, I'd recommend Debra Dixon's "Goal, Motivation, and Conflict". Good luck.

[Doug]

Side note: Dixon's book that hope101 mentioned is breathtakingly expensive if you try to buy it from the big online booksellers. You can order it directly from the publisher, Gryphon, at a much more reasonable price.

[lexi Revellian]

Okay, so I'm English, but I don't usually have a problem with American prose. About half way through this I couldn't make much sense of it at all.

I felt the author was trying to tell me too much, in too concentrated a form, too soon. I'd be exhausted by the end of the chapter.

[Kami]

Is Theresa the pov character? If so, why am I reading about her? She's a flight attendant who uses her curves to get jobs and gives blow jobs to wealthy people. If she had some ulterior motive for this, or wanted out of the biz, or something, I could root for her. Otherwise, sorry, I'm not interested in reading about her every day life. Others might be, but I think they would still want a hint of story to come.

The prose is pretty smooth, but the narrative needs focus and there are a few weirdnesses. Like: she’d parlayed her plentiful curves--is this the way she thinks/talks? Also, beware--Pirates of the Caribbean fans are more likely to think you meant parley, rather than parlay, which is to gamble--a term that I don't think is used all that often. But I could be wrong about that. Also, crème de la crème, flawed logic--these terms suggest an intellectual with a decent vocabulary. If this is the intent, good, but I'd like to see more of that intelligence on the page, rather than using those words simply to describe the environment and background.

I hope this helps. Good luck!

[Christine H]

I don't have anything to add, other than that the goat comment made me think immediately that they were on a bus, not a plane. Then I was confused.

Perhaps, "hit a goose" instead?

[Marcel]

I absolutely loved the goat. Awesome opening line. Sets the tone of the story right from the get go. Kudos.

This isn't as bad as the comments before me or the voting results, IMO. This has voice. Best voice I've seen in the six months I've been following this blog. And voice is at the very top of so many agents' list. Don't despair.

The storyline sounds interesting. I'd love to have seen the back cover blurb, just to get anchored on the story a bit more before I started on the first page--there are staging issues(that could have been answered in a blurb). And the last two paragraphs seem to dip into the background well a couple times too many for an opening.

Keep at it. I think you've got something good here.

[Darla]

I liked the goat line, but then was jarred to find out they were on a plane rather than a bus.

[Christine H]

To expand a little more on the goat comment... unless you live in a third world country, goats don't usually wander around and get hit in the road. And unless you live in a fantasy novel, they don't fly.

The problem is one of immediately creating setting. When I read that, I thought they were on a bus or some other large vehicle in a third world country. Because if they were in a car, the passengers would have seen the goat before they hit it.

Then I read about the bulkhead and thought, okay, what has a bulkhead? Maybe a tank or something? Maybe they are in some kind of heavy armored vehicle in a third world country. This must be a spy or military story.

Then I realized it was a plane, and was confused. This may seem trivial, but it's really essential to setting up the story, which is so hard for those of us whose heads are full of words.

One way you could get this to work is if Larry makes the goat comment, and Teresa reflects on how really stupid this guy is and how she has to put up with him. The comment truly is from left-field, and so, apparently, is he. So you could use it to your advantage.

Just a thought!

[Marcel]

I disagree with Christine H on the goat. The mere fact that an airplane would never hit a goat is where the humor lies. That we find out it's an airplane a bit later heightens the sense of humor, IMO. It doesn't lessen it. Or confuse (enough to warrant changing it, IMO). I get the joke and because of it, I get the character. Keep it. Or not. You're call.