Flogometer for Gayton—would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Gayton‘s first 16 lines:

At first, Cassandra thought the bulb had burned out or they’d blown a fuse. But when her eyes adjusted to the moonlit room, she knew she had a much bigger problem. Her window was in the wrong place, and her bed had sprouted a canopy. Her bookcases, desk, and computer were gone. In their place was a small table with a pitcher and basin on top. She had been reading in bed when the light went out, but she wasn’t in her room anymore.

“I must have fallen asleep,” she thought. “It’s got to be a dream.”

She pinched her arm. When nothing happened, she pinched it again, hard enough to hurt. But she didn’t wake up. She took three deep breaths and tried to think.

“You have to be logical,” she told herself. “You have to figure out where you are.”

She looked around the room for a lamp. But she saw only an extinguished candle on the otherwise bare bedside table, and no matches with which to light it.

The moonlight streaming through the windows was bright enough for Cassandra to navigate across the room to look for a light switch. Surely the switch would be next to the door. But it wasn’t.

And then she heard a laugh.

It was a strange, evil laugh, low and deep, and it came from just outside the bedroom (snip)

Close, but . . .

Clean writing, we’re opening with a scene, strange things are happening to raise story questions, so what was the problem? It was a lack of credibility that stopped me. One line disabled my willing sense of disbelief. It was definitely an interesting situation, but that bobble, and other little things, made this jaded editor’s eye believe that the writing (and storytelling) that followed wouldn’t quite reach the pro level that I need to see. Notes:

At first, Cassandra thought the bulb had burned out or they’d blown a fuse. But when her eyes adjusted to the moonlit room, she knew she had a much bigger problem. Her window was in the wrong place, and her bed had sprouted a canopy. Her bookcases, desk, and computer were gone. In their place was a small table with a pitcher and basin on top. She had been reading in bed when the light went out, but she wasn’t in her room anymore. (The part that pulled me right of the story was “she knew she had a much bigger problem.” To my mind, no one who awakens to a complete change of environment would have the thought that she had a much bigger problem than the burned out bulb. The most logical would be dreaming and, when that doesn’t pan out, fright. This line was, for me, the author intruding. We learn that this is a 12-year-old, so the thought was even less credible for her.)

“I must have fallen asleep,” she thought. “It’s got to be a dream.” (Here, again, this didn’t seem credible, and the technique could, in my view, be better. I don’t know about you, but when I wake up from sleeping I generally know that I’ve been sleeping. So it didn’t seem logical that she would think that she had fallen asleep. Besides, the dream assumption says that. On the technique side, using quotes for thoughts causes confusion because quotes are expected to be around dialogue. So for a moment I thought she was talking aloud, which didn’t seem right. In my view, a far better technique for internal monologue is to just put the thoughts in the same voice and tense of the rest of the narrative. For example, you understand that it’s her thoughts if you read: It had to be a dream. Much crisper, and you get it right away, IMO.)

She pinched her arm. When nothing happened, she pinched it again, hard enough to hurt. But she didn’t wake up. She took three deep breaths and tried to think. (I just gave my arm a test pinch, and even the smallest pinch hurt to some extent.)

“You have to be logical,” she told herself. “You have to figure out where you are.” (For me, this internal monologue didn’t feel realistic. This is someone who just woke. I’d cut this musing and get on with her exploring the situation.)

She looked around the room for a lamp. But she saw only an extinguished candle on the otherwise bare bedside table, and no matches with which to light it. (She has already looked around the room, so she should have already seen this. Wouldn’t it fit better if the thought were continued? For example: Her lamp was gone, too. There was only an extinguished candle…etc.)

The moonlight streaming through the windows was bright enough for Cassandra to navigate across the room to look for a light switch. Surely the switch would be next to the door. But it wasn’t.

And then she heard a laugh. It was a strange, evil laugh, low and deep, and it came from just outside the bedroom (snip) (I felt it was better to get right to the characterization of the laugh rather than wait a paragraph. The reader will imagine a “normal” laugh with just the single short paragraph, and then have to adjust when getting to the description.)

With the trims and tightening shortened here, the reader gets that much closer to the scary part—a strange woman comes in and sets fire to the girl’s bed! Gayton, immerse us in the girl’s experience in a believable way and you’ve got something here.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. Email: email 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000095932931]

I agree with your comments on the book. I am currently reviewing another book that makes these same kind of errors.
But the initial plot element was enough to get me to turn the page.

I also didn't like the upside down nature of the first paragraph. I would have preffered something like, "I was right in the middle of an exciting chapter, you know, the one where Roland finally figures out that the girl he had been trying to date is his long lost sister, when the lights went out. At first, I thought it was just the bulb. But when I started to get out of bed to find the light switch for the overhead light, I realized...

[Doug]

I voted "yes", but with reservations. I liked the concept but...

Agree with Vaughn about the sequence in the first paragraph. Reaching back in time ("She had been reading in bed") is unnecessary and disrupts the forward motion. In the first paragraph!

I didn't see any indication that this was a 12-year-old. Although I wasn't yanked out by the line that got to Ray, I would never attribute that line to a 12-year-old.

The "must have been dreaming" and arm-pinching came across to me as totally cliche' and not believable. I don't think I've ever had that reaction, nor have I pinched my arm to see if I was awake.

She looked for a light switch but didn't bother to look out the window? I suppose that one must choose to do one or the other first, but if it happened to me I'd be driven to see if the outside had changed as much as the inside.

The wording of the search for the light switch didn't work as well as it could. Just get her headed toward the door looking for the light switch, and then tell us that it was easy because of the moonlight. The "surely [it'd] be next to the door" is unnecessary.

The evil laugh was what knocked me out of the story and almost made me vote "no". To me, any evil laugh is lame unless *very* carefully set up.

I also would expect a strong emotional reaction from Cassandra, and there is none here. Is she frightened? Is she curious? Is she annoyed that she can't keep reading her book?

For some reason, I also want to know what happened to the book that she was reading. Is it still in her hands?

Agree with Ray's comments, too.

This is an interesting concept that deserves a more organized first paragraph followed by actions and emotions that are appropriate for a 12-year-old.

By the way, it's quite possible that by the time this book made its way into print (a process that can take years), most bulbs will have been replaced by compact fluorescent that don't "burn out". And "blowing fuses" is almost unheard of today, especially by 12-year-olds. When the lights go out at MY place, it's the power company's fault.

[Lori]

I agree with several of the comments made already, including the need to devote more attention to what the 12 y.o. would really be thinking in her head. There's some good imagery "her bed had sprouted a canopy..." I'm imagining that her bedroom is turning into a jungle? As in a jungle canopy? If not, perhaps there should be an immediate theme developed (what will the room turn into?) so that the readers can immediately start to project where this is going themselves. I like character development,but I'm also very much interested in how the setting will play out. If given the bones of a setting, sometimes readers can propel the story in their head without relying on the writer or dialogue as much. It can compensate a bit.

[Gayton]

Thank you for the feedback, everyone. I may go with having her fall asleep while reading, and waking up to hear someone rattling the door handle.

For what it's worth, Cassandra's supposed to be a very unusual 12-year-old. She's intellectually gifted and she doesn't freak out easily -- her first reaction is generally to try to get a logical grip on things. I was trying to show that fact rather than tell it. But maybe such a character won't resonate with most readers?

Ray -- I used quotes around her thoughts because another writing blog (Anne Mini's) said that was the proper way to format thoughts in a novel manuscript. Now I'm not quite sure what to do! I suppose in this particular instance I could eliminate the inner dialogue altogether and simply show the action, and that probably is what I'll do. I'll have to decide what to do about thoughts later in the novel. It's tight third person, so Cassandra's are the only thoughts I need to deal with. I suppose I could put them all in the third person and eliminate formatting issues altogether?

FYI, in this version, Cassandra did not just wake up and she is not dreaming. She has in fact been transported to another place (actually, into a novel). The lights went out because the room she's been whisked into doesn't have a lamp. (The evil laugh is actually Charlotte Bronte's, not mine!) Cassandra thinks she must be dreaming because she doesn't see any logical way what she's seeing could be real. I've sometimes fallen asleep while reading or watching TV and then had a vivid dream where I wasn't quite sure whether I was awake or dreaming. Sometimes I'm still not quite sure for a few seconds when I wake up. Perhaps this isn't as common an experience as I assumed?

If I have her fall asleep while reading, then waking up to hear the door rattle, then having to instantly react to the person trying to get into her room, it sounds like it will eliminate a lot of issues Ray, Doug, and Vaughn have with this version.

Anyway, thanks! I'll check back to see if there are any more comments.

[Jessica]

I disagree with Ray's assessment of the line "she knew she had a much bigger problem."

I liked the voice. I thought the writing was clean and clear, and the opening hooked me and hooked me good.

I did, however, think that Cassandra was a lot older than 12.

[Doug]

Gayton:
If Cassandra's not easily freaked out, I'd think she'd initially be somewhat confused and then very curious. She'd be all, like, you know, WTF?

If she's intellectually gifted, she might be considering some possibilities as to what happened, but that'd probably be deadly boring and best left out (like the "am I dreaming" bit). Maybe it'd be better if she started looking for clues as to where she was and what had happened.

Personally, I'd be wondering if I was going to get breakfast in the morning and if it was a school day, but you can tell where my priorities were as a child.

When I'm writing in close third person, internal monologue just sort of happens. All of the narrative is provided by the PoV character and her thoughts and feelings are just a part of that (as is her personal knowledge, experience, maturity, style, and attitude). I don't put in "she thought", "she told herself", and the like unless it's necessary for context. No quote marks. Also watch the pronouns: it's still "she" and "her", not "I", "me", and "you" when she's referring to herself in this kind of internal monologue.

Example: How strange! Maybe it was a dream, but when she pinched herself it just hurt. Okay, not a dream. But what else could it be? Where was she?

There are those who advocate italicizing internal monologue, but I haven't yet been persuaded.

(I don't remember ever seeing anything on Anne Mini's site advocating putting internal monologue in quotes, but there is a lot of her site I haven't gotten to yet.)

New commentary on the original text: the descriptions are entirely visual except for the hurt of the pinch and the sound of the evil laugh. Do her pajamas and covers feel different? Is the room warmer or colder than it was? Does the room smell different? Are there any sounds other than the evil laugh?

[Victoria Dixon]

I agree it was close. Mostly I kept thinking, "Get to the good stuff." I would not have the novel start with her falling asleep, though. I've seen too many agents and editors comment on that kiss of death because if your character is asleep, by definitition, nothing is happening and they are not in jeopardy. If necessary, start the book in what is currently your second chapter and complete that chapter before you give us any backstory.
Just my .02.

[Ray Rhamey]

Anne Mini does offer helpful advice, but I don't think she's got this one right. In the book, "Self-editing for Fiction Writers," two top editors, Renni Browne and Dave King, say the following:

"Never, ever, use quotes with your interior monologue. It is not merely poor style; it is, by today's standards, ungrammatical."

They go on to advise doing it the way I do--as a part of the narrative.

Ray

[Gayton]

I love Anne Mini's site and don't want to wrong her. To be fair, I just took a quick look at her site again, and now I can't find the passage about formatting thoughts. It's possible I read that (apparently bad) piece of advice on another writing blog -- I've been reading at least a dozen. Alas, they all have conflicting advice on formatting issues!

However, I will take Ray's advice and leave out the quotes. Ironically, that was my original approach before reading the formatting advice.

[Marcel]

What the others said, especially about the chronology of the first paragraph. I'd like to add that the emotional quotient here is low, and given the situation, it should be higher no matter how unfreakable this 12 year old is. If you want, you can use this unfreakableness to your advantage to give her an edge. Instead of emotions of fear, she could have what another member called a WTF moment. A thought like "what the heck/hell" or "what's that tree doing in my room" would convert the rather passive, and cliched, "is this a dream" into an active emotion, and likely would paint the protag as a proactive character rather than reactive one (of course, all thoughts without quotes). And everyone (sorry for speaking for y'all) prefers a proactive character over a reactive one.

Other than that, clean writing and smooth style. The story premise sounds interesting.