Flogometer for Derek—would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Derek’s first 16 lines:

“Captain, we’ve lost the Alpha Beacon,” the AI officer said, swiveling in his workstation to face the Archon of the New Argos colony fleet. The other crewmembers stopped their various tasks to blanch at the officer, a tang of dread sweeping through the bridge of ICS Hyperion.

“What do you mean, lost?” asked Danäus, looking up from the semi-circle of touch panels cradling the command station.

“It’s just gone,” the officer replied. “It was in the midst of routine transmission when it just went dead. No static. No interference. Just silence.”

Danäus stared at him for a moment, rummaging through the possibilities in his mind. The officer was one of his rising stars. Bion Palantium was a young Hyperborean, among the first generation of trueborn immortals capable of having their own children. He was a good officer and had a knack for hardware. Danäus had seen no evidence for youthful impulsiveness, even though Bion was only in his thirties. Precisely the opposite.

“Have you run a complete com diagnostic?”

“Yes sir,” Bion said without hesitation. “I’ve also done an AI query of the NavCom on each ship in the fleet, and they all confirm it: we’ve lost contact with home.”

There it was. His words were infused with a physical power. Nervous glances darted (snip)

Not for me this time, Derek
The writing is sound, and the narrative starts with a scene that tells us that there’s trouble, but . . . While I like the idea of a “tang of dread,” it really is “telling” rather than showing. What did the point-of-view character see that shows dread? And then, in the fourth paragraph, instead of reacting to a situation that’s causing dread in his crew, Danäus slips into an info dump about Bion’s nature. Would Captain Kirk have done that? Some notes:

“Captain, we’ve lost the Alpha Beacon,” the AI officer said, swiveling in his workstation to face the Archon of the New Argos colony fleet. The other crewmembers stopped their various tasks to blanch at the officer, a tang of dread sweeping through the bridge of ICS Hyperion. (“Various” didn’t show a thing, so it’s pretty much a waste word. I’ve already mentioned the sweeping tang part.)

“What do you mean, lost?” asked Danäus, looking up from the semi-circle of touch panels cradling the command station. (Since this is the pov character, here would be a good time to slip into his head and have a reaction to the report. If it’s bad, then maybe his gut clenches just a bit, or something.)

“It’s just gone,” the officer replied. “It was in the midst of routine transmission when it just went dead. No static. No interference. Just silence.”

Danäus stared at him for a moment, rummaging through the possibilities in his mind. The officer was one of his rising stars. Bion Palantium was a young Hyperborean, among the first generation of trueborn immortals capable of having their own children. He was a good officer and had a knack for hardware. Danäus had seen no evidence for youthful impulsiveness, even though Bion was only in his thirties. Precisely the opposite. (Why would Danäus stop here to meditate on Bion’s nature? This detour from what is supposed to be a tense situation into exposition robs the narrative of pace and tension, and undermines the reader’s confidence in the storyteller because it just shouldn’t be happening here, IMO.)

“Have you run a complete com diagnostic?”

“Yes sir,” Bion said without hesitation. “I’ve also done an AI query of the NavCom on each ship in the fleet, and they all confirm it: we’ve lost contact with home.” (“without hesitation” brings up one of my pet peeves. Using “without” in this way tries to inject into the narrative something that didn’t happen. See my post on doing without without, which is also covered in my book.)

There it was. His words were infused with a physical power. Nervous glances darted (snip) (Couple of things. I don’t understand, since no effect is shown, of what it means for his words to have “physical power.” The other thing is that here, on the first page, is a great place to give the reader the nature of the danger that’s faced, the stakes or consequences of the beacon being out. Is it a minor nuisance, or potentially deadly?)

One other thing strikes me about this narrative—maybe it was the way we got into details of Bion, but it seems so fact-laden that it lost energy for me. If there’s truly dread, then it would be good if the language and pace fairly crackled with it. Get into the heads of these people, Derek, and help us feel what they’re experiencing. Keep at it, Derek, you clearly have an interesting world and story to tell us about—just immerse us in it.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. Email: email 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Liz C]

Sweeping tang aside, :) I had trouble with this phrase "The other crewmembers stopped their various tasks to blanch at the officer,"

I think blanching is something one does to fruit. Maybe their faced blanched? Or their visibly pale faces turned toward the officer?

Also, if the crewmembers did visibly pale at the scary information, I doubt they would have to stop their tasks in order to do so. Maybe they 'stopped and blanched/paled' instead of 'stopped to...'

I agree about too much info dumping during an action scene. I am interested in the story though - sounds like fun.

[Justina]

I voted yes only because I would have wanted to have see what happened, but it did feel a little wordy to me and I agree with Ray's suggestions.

[lexi Revellian]

I voted yes, though I can't analyse quite why.

You can't blanch AT someone, and surely immortals capable of reproduction are a seriously bad idea? Standing room only in a century or two. And some of the facts could have waited their turn, I felt.

[Darla]

I voted yes because of this line: "we’ve lost contact with home.” That doesn't sound like a good situation at all, and I wanted to know what happened next. However, the paragraph about the officer did slow things down and seemed out of place. If that were moved elsewhere, maybe we could get a better sense of what losing contact with home means to them.

[Christine H]

I agree with previous comments. I voted to turn because the story sounds interesting, despite some writing issues. Those can be cleaned up. The story seems worth pursuing.

Since I am a fan of Battlestar Galactica and Star Trek, losing contact with home creates instant tension for me. But you may want to think about how to convey that tension to people who aren't sci fi fans. Or, who weren't until they read your bestselling novel.

[Christine H]

Oooh... where did the random avatar come from? Neat.

[Christine H]

Hey... it moves... lookee...

[Dai Alanye]

Basic problem is too much background and not enough action. Yes, it's telling rather than showing, but also impatience about giving description that could have been picked up bit by bit as the tale progressed.

More dialog like, "Ohmigawd!" and "We're doomed, Cap'n!" might have helped. I exaggerate, of course, but when you're lost in space the tension level should be *very* high.

As for the use of "blanch," what the heck… Be creative, I always say.

[hope101]

Sounds like an interesting world and high stakes, plus you've opened up during action. This has a lot of potential, once cleaned up.

My overarching concern, which accounts for the info-dump and head-hopping, is that you're violating point of view. Really work on getting inside the main character's head and staying there. That's 99% of this piece's problem.

[Victoria Dixon]

Sorry, I voted no. Too much info dump and the sentence with "Bion Palantium was a young Hyperborean" was enough to silently tongue-tie me. I had to re-read it three times to understand. There's not enough tension to draw me in, either. Losing the Alpha Beacon sounds like they've lost the map to Denny's. Not like they can't get home. That's a BIG deal and the only calm and unaffected person there should be the captain. Also, breeding eternal people is SO not a good idea. No one would likely ever think it was. If they did, I'm afraid you'd need a book to explain why.