Anniversary--#500, 5 years, plus Flogometer for Rayne

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5 years, 500 posts This month marks 5 years of doing FtQ, and the 500th post. It also marks more than 300 novel openings that I (and you) have critiqued for writers. It seems to help them—I just received a great note thanking me for a flogging a year ago (I didn’t turn the page) that accompanied a submission for my beady (but fresh) eyes.

I want to take a moment to express my gratitude to all my readers, commentators, and submitters. This blog wouldn’t exist without you, and I know that I’ve learned, grown, and profited from our association over the years. And a special thank you to those who have chipped in $$ to support FtQ through the button below.

The best thing, for me, is the sense of community that lives here at FtQ, of writers helping writers. So happy anniversary to you, too.

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FtQ honored as one of Editor Unleashed’s 25 Best Writing Blogs 2009 This is very nice, and thanks to you who voted. You can see the complete list here.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Rayne’s first 16 lines:

Even in the shade of the graffiti-carved olive tree, the air sang with heat. Dahoud listened to the hum of voices in the tavern garden, the murmured gossip about royals and rebels. If patrons noticed him, they would only see a bronze-skinned young clerk among the Lord-Satrap's followers, a harmless bureaucrat. Dahoud intended to stay harmless.

Goldflies danced like flecks of light in the late afternoon sun. Basking in the pleasures of peace, he savoured every bite of the spicy mutton stew and the tart flavour of citron water on his tongue. The tavern bustled with females – tradeswomen celebrating deals, bellydancers clinking finger cymbals, and White Seers hanging about in the hope of earning a tanni or two. They did not back away from him or scream. Some even gifted him smiles. But no matter what the djinn inside him demanded, Dahoud would never again hurt a woman.

The youngest of the entertainers wound her way between the benches, the colourful tassels on her barely-rounded hips bouncing. When she shimmied across the uneven stone-flagged floor towards their table, Dahoud’s fingers tightened around his spoon. A woman’s teasing, however impersonal, tickled the djinn’s thirst. He willed her to keep her distance.

Closer and closer she came, rows of copper rings on her sash tinkling with every movement. With clamped teeth, Dahoud stared past her sweat-glistening abdomen. She paused before him, twisting (snip)

I turned this page

It was nice to have the 500th post about a nice piece of writing. The first two paragraphs raised subtle story questions that interested me in the character, and the tension created by the dancer’s approach, and his reaction to it, raised the “what’s going to happen next” question. There’s not much to pick at, but here are some notes:

Even in the shade of the graffiti-carved olive tree, the air sang with heat. Dahoud listened to the hum of voices in the tavern garden, the murmured gossip about royals and rebels. If patrons noticed him, they would only see a bronze-skinned young clerk among the Lord-Satrap's followers, a harmless bureaucrat. Dahoud intended to stay harmless.

Goldflies danced like flecks of light in the late afternoon sun. Basking in the pleasures of peace, he savoured every bite of the spicy mutton stew and the tart flavour of citron water on his tongue. The tavern bustled with females – tradeswomen celebrating deals, bellydancers clinking finger cymbals, and White Seers hanging about in the hope of earning a tanni or two. They did not back away from him or scream. Some even gifted him smiles. But no matter what the djinn inside him demanded, Dahoud would never again hurt a woman. (Very nice way to slip in an intriguing hint of backstory/past and use it to show character.)

The youngest of the entertainers wound her way between the benches, the colourful tassels on her barely-rounded hips bouncing. When she shimmied across the uneven stone-flagged floor towards their table, Dahoud’s fingers tightened around his spoon. A woman’s teasing, however impersonal, tickled the djinn’s thirst. He willed her to keep her distance.

Closer and closer she came, rows of copper rings on her sash tinkling with every movement. With clamped teeth, Dahoud clamped his teeth and stared past her sweat-glistening abdomen. She paused before him, twisting (snip) (Excellent ratcheting up of tension here. I’m not a fan of saying thing with a “with.” I think this makes his action more active.)

You’ve an interesting world and character here, Rayne, and I like the voice. There were spots that might have been tightened a little, but the narrative is strong and moves forward as it is, so I didn’t tinker. Keep up the fine work.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Your generosity helps defray the cost of hosting FtQ.

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. Email: email 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Liz C]

Congrats, Ray! And very nice, Rayne. I'm an impatient reader and get knocked out of a story pretty easily by... uh... oddnesses, but this drew me in and kept me in. I want to know what happens!

[Jodi]

Nice flow and nice set up. Good job.

Jodi

[Liz P]

Nice work.

I'm a very picky reader, especially when it comes to speculative fiction, but this drew me in well enough I was sad there wasn't another page to turn.

[Christine H]

I really loved this! The scene was set beautifully, and I really wanted to know what happens next.

[Jessica]

I thought this was exquisitely written. I could feel the air around me, smell the exotic smells of the market. I was intrigued by the worldbuilding and the idea that the MC was possessed by a djinn. Absolutely gorgeous.

The one nit I had was with the word "female," which always hits me, when I hear it, as though the speaker were writing about members of another species. But if this is in keeping with the language and culture of this world, then forget I said it.

Brilliant. Positively brilliant.

[Gayton]

Nice job -- I liked this first page. One thing I don't like, though -- the line "some even gifted him with smiles." I really hate to see the word "gift" used as a verb, and I suspect that a lot of (former English major) agency screeners do, too. It's a pet peeve for a lot of people. I'd make it "some even smiled at him," or "some even gave him a smile."

[C.L.]

As a fantasy reader, this really intrigued me. I found the character different and the subtle back-story refreshing. All of it tied together making me want to find out more.

[CKE333]

Excellent material, Rayne! Your story immediately drew me in and kept my interest, and I, too, can become disenchanted with a story quite easily. The imagery was spot on. I hope to read more of your work some day.

Keep writing!

CKE

[Katrina]

I do hope that this is published at some point in the future. The luscious prose and hint of fantasy are right up my alley. Even from these few words, the protagonist has captured my interest...

[Victoria Dixon]

Definately hooked. The only bit that made me pause was the first sentence has an olive tree and the second sentence seems to have him inside. I paused reading, but decided I was too intrigued to nitpick or stop reading.