The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.
Mark’s first 16 lines:
Close, but no turnIt is a hard thing to choose, it can mean everything. It often leaves a question that can consume a lifetime. Why not me?
March of 1943 was just another miserable month of winter to Ingrid Steinmetz. She kneeled on the clapboards of the platform hugging her youngest daughter Heidi, stroking her dark hair while tears streamed down her cheeks. “Be good,” she said, “and don’t loose your papers. Where are you going?” she coaxed.
“Bern,” Heidi repeated.
“And what family are you looking for?”
“The Berger’s.”
“Do you have the note for the conductor?”
The girl raised her hand and held up a folded piece of paper.
Ingrid forced a smile to affirm her daughter had gotten it right, though the smile quickly dissolved to sobs. The train whistle blew its warning. “Go,” Ingrid said.
Heidi ran as fast as her short legs could carry her. A porter helped her up the first step. She disappeared inside and reappeared at a window as the train started to move.
Ingrid stood and waved. “Wave to your sister,” she said.
It might have been the rhetorical question/set-up as the opening paragraph that softened my interest. I can tell you that it had the effect of keeping off the front page a paragraph that would have kept me moving. Mark sent only the first page, not the chapter, so I couldn’t look further. But, because he used 10-point type, there was more narrative than a traditionally formatted manuscript would have, so I could see that much.
Good writing, for sure, and it almost starts with a scene. But the reader is distant from the characters, although there are hints of being in the mother’s point of view.
The last paragraph, which you couldn’t see, head-hopped to the most
interesting point of view, the older sister’s. I suggest beginning the
story from within her point of view, which would tighten things up and
allow the inclusion of a key paragraph, which I’ll get to after these
notes:
It is a hard thing to choose, it can mean everything. It often leaves a question that can consume a lifetime. Why not me? (As noted, I think you could do without this. If the manuscript must have it, put it on a separate page before the chapter starts. I realize you’re setting up theme, etc., but I think it’s best for the reader to realize those elements from the narrative, not by being told. I’ve learned that lesson from feedback on something I put on the first page of one of my novels that folks are beta-reading for me. I was given a smack on the back of the hand and told to get to the story. Same here.)
March of 1943 was just another miserable month of winter to Ingrid Steinmetz. She kneeled on the clapboards of the platform hugging her youngest daughter Heidi, stroking her dark hair while tears streamed down her cheeks. “Be good,” she said, “and don’t
looselose your papers. Where are you going?” she coaxed. (Putting in a time/date is never easy. Including it in the narrative has the feel of the author intruding. I think putting it in its own separate paragraph right at the beginning works better. This could have started more crisply with Ingrid Steinmetz kneeled on the clapboards…etc. However, I still think beginning with the sister’s pov would be stronger.)“Bern,” Heidi repeated.
“And what family are you looking for?”
“The Berger’s.”
“Do you have the note for the conductor?”
The girl raised her hand andHeidi held up a folded piece of paper. (For me, calling her “the girl” is the author speaking, not the experience of the mother. It makes the child an object, not a person, so is distancing in that way, too.)Ingrid forced a smile to affirm that she
her daughterhad gotten it right, though the smile quickly dissolved to sobs. The train whistle blew its warning. “Go,” Ingrid said.Heidi ran as fast as her short legs could carry her. A porter helped her up the first step. She disappeared inside and reappeared at a window as the train started to move.
Ingrid stood and waved. “Wave to your sister,” she said.
Here’s the paragraph you didn’t see. If this, and the girl’s point of view, were on the first page, I’d have moved on.
Her eldest daughter Greta stared at Heidi, face impassive, wisps of white-blond hair fluttering across Greta’s cheek, hands balled into fists inside her pockets. She did not wave when the train took Heidi away. Instead she wondered why she was not on the train. Why she was not being sent to live with relatives in Switzerland. Why she wasn’t headed to safety and out of the path of the bombs that rattled the ground at night. Her sister smiled and waved back at her mother. In that moment, Greta’s jealousy hardened into an icy ball of hatred.
What do you think? Would this pov and narrative enhance the appeal of the opening for you?
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,
- Email: email 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2009 Ray Rhamey
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