Flogometer for Rose: would you turn the page?

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Interview with yours truly up on Buzz Balls & Hype Thought you might be interested—there’s video of one of my old commercials that’s fun. Go here.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Rose has asked for feedback on which of two scene with which to open her “gentle women’s fiction.” An agent at a conference suggested that she rewrite the beginning to give more of a feel for a small town. The first set of 16 lines:

James Rollins rolled his shoulders and shifted in the driver’s seat. Almost there. It couldn’t be soon enough for him.

An earsplitting siren’s wail forced his hand to tighten around the steering wheel. Red and blue lights flashed in his side mirror. What now?

Michael jerked toward the front seat and bumped his head on the padded ceiling. “What’s up, Dad?”

“He’s getting pulled over by a cop.” Sarah’s voice held more excitement than she’d exhibited the entire three-hour trip. “Way to go on our first day in town, Dad.”

Pulling the minivan off the road onto the gravel shoulder, James shoved the car into park. His heart shifted into overdrive. “I’m sure I wasn’t speeding.” He pointed toward the dashboard. “Libby, look for our registration and insurance in the glove box while I find my license.” He twisted around to reach his back pocket and retrieved his thick black wallet.

A tall young deputy approached their vehicle.

James rolled down the window, his pulse accelerating into turbo-supercharge. “Hello, Officer. Anything wrong?” He drew in a deep breath and held it.

“Yes, sir. I noticed your left rear tire is pretty low. Thought you better get it fixed before (snip)

Rose’s second option for an opening scene:

While waiting for her husband, Libby Rollins stewed. Both men they’d met had been very helpful, but doubts still built a web in her brain. Had this whole move been a mistake?

Mistakes. They littered her life’s story like a trail of breadcrumbs, no longer visible except to the recriminating eyes of her soul. Her mind ping-ponged, her neck tension increasing with each volley. Had this move been a wise choice, or would the relocation prove to be another mistake?

Small towns had advantages, like people being the first in line to help a neighbor, in good times or bad. But small towns had disadvantages, too, like those same people being the first in line to gossip, first in line to judge.

She watched as James left the building and moved toward them. By the pleased look on his face, this unexpected stop hadn’t wrecked their cash flow too much. What a relief. The move had been more costly than they had anticipated. Even a small sum would put a crimp in their tight budget. The price of a new tire could steamroll it.

“Load ‘em up, cowboys. This wagon is moving on down the trail.”

Her husband hadn’t even been here an hour and he was already talking like a local yokel. Did he think they’d moved to Dodge?

Maybe I just don’t get women’s fiction

Despite good techniques of opening with a scene and clear writing, I didn’t find either opening to be truly compelling. It wasn’t difficult to stop, primarily because there’s little tension reflected here, or any consequences. In the first scene, we have a low tire and a helpful cop. In the second we have internal musing about anticipated complications of living in a small town. Is that the story?

In the remaining chapter, we meet a teen son and a younger teen girl. The girl is sarcastic and pissy, and the mom wonders if they’ve moved far enough away from the girl’s not-so-good previous associates. None of this is terribly threatening. As I say, I may just not get what’s compelling in women’s fiction, so would you women out there please speak up?

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. Email: email 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Darla]

I was enjoying the first opening and the build up to the cop at the window, but then scene deflated like the tire. I'd expected something more.

The second opening brought me to a pause with the off hand mention to the two men they'd met right after the mention of waiting for her husband. I gave up trying to figure out who they were or why they brought up doubts despite being helpful. Then she wanders off into other thoughts with nothing really happening.

[Dori]

Of the two, I find the first more compelling. You definitely get a sense that Dad is nervous. I like the helpful cop bit. It shows a change of expectations. However, for womens fiction, it's a little odd to have James as the first character we meet. Could the same scene be told from the wife's point of view?

[Justina]

I like women's fiction, but this just didn't do it for me. There's no sense of any sort of stakes here. So they moved to a small town...okay, now what? Usually in women's fiction the MC's personality is larger than life, and readily available from the first page. I have no sense of your MC, and that bothered me. I voted "no" both times.

Hope that helps.

[Mysti]

I also liked the first scene better but agree with Dori that the MC should take center stage immediately - so if you rewrite the scene in Libby's POV, (just to give you an example) - maybe her husband is getting pulled over and we're hearing her internal thoughts/ dialogue of panic, disgust, or alarm - whatever it is. Whatever your story is about (the theme) - needs to show up on the first page. Also I caught some descriptions that sounded kind of cliche in your 2nd scene - so watch for those: "eyes for soul" and "moved to Dodge". I'm sure the writing could be a little more creative to peek interest for readers. Good luck and keep at it.

[kathy]

Between the two I liked the first one better, but being pulled over for tire pressure? Not sure.

[Christine H]

I really liked the first one. The second one was kind of boring.

No, Ray, you don't get women's fiction! :oP As my mom says, she likes books "where nothing really happens." Meaning, a gentle story that can be enjoyed, not read on a roller-coaster.

I do think there is a the small-town feel in the first version, but I also don't think low tire pressure is really a reason to get pulled over, is it? How about a broken tail light, but instead of a ticket, the cop gives them advice on who in town is best to fix it?

[Jessica]

I like "women's fiction" too, but not enough really happens in these snips to keep my attention.

When I say "happens," I'm not talking about explosions and car chases. A lot of what I enjoy in "women's fiction" (as much as I hate the term) is the characters' introspection, thoughts, feelings about what is happening. Inner conflict can be as interesting as external conflict. For instance, if the MC is driving into a small town, or his/her hometown, it looks friendly and perfect, but s/he *doesn't want to be there* in a really big way.

There was some of this in the second snip, which I thought was the more interesting snip.

Best of luck with it!

Jessica

[Christine H]

I wanted to add that although there isn't a lot of tension in the first example, there is enough about the characters to make me instantly like them and want to know more about them. To me, that is the key to women's fiction. I think the sample does that very well, and would want to read the rest of the book. With my cup of tea and blueberry scones. ;o)

I'm sure my mom would! I hope that's helpful to the author.

[Gayton]

Interest-wise, I prefer the first snip to the second, but I'm thinking something further on in the scene must be more interesting and more revealing of the main character than either of these two snips.

I don't necessarily need anything particularly exciting in women's fiction, but it should be revealing -- and the main character should be clear right from page one. Here, it's hard to tell which is the main character. I'm assuming from the second piece and the fact that it's women's fiction that it's Libby, but in the first piece the only head we see into is James's, and he's also the first person we hear about. If I had known nothing else, I would have assumed he was the main character. (Just an opinion -- I think either first person or tight third person point of view works best for woment's fiction, and it should probably be a woman's point of view.)

I read a piece of advice somewhere suggesting that the very first piece of dialogue for each character -- especially the main character -- should reveal something important about the main character. I don't think that's the case here. However, I'll bet there is something like that further on, and Rose should start there. Libby seems worried about gossip -- why? Their money is low. Why? And how does Libby feel about it? Why are they moving to a small town if they're so worried about small town gossip?

The second piece is a bit too much internal ruminating for the opening. I'm sure we'll want to hear all of that stuff, but not quite yet.

From Ray's description of the rest of the chapter, it shounds like they may have moved, at least in part, because of the teenage girl's bad associates. If so, and if that's important to the book, maybe it could open with an exchange between the mother and daughter, in a way that will foreshadow what's to come or reveal a sense of each of them and the relationship between them.

[von]

I liked the first scene. Not that I normally read womens fiction. For me it was a nice tension between the dads expectation (being pulled over by a cop is always a bad, impersonal thing) vs the new small town effect (hey, you have a tire thats bad, don't want you to get in a wreck).

Sort of the opposite from the 'Crocodile Dundee' effect where he goes to the big city and finds everything bizarre.

I probably wouldn't read the book in the first place (unless the blurb had told me that we were likely to find aliens or a mysterious magic wardrobe in the small town) but for that genre I was OK with the first scene.