Flogometer for Richard: would you turn the page?

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I have a guest post up on Writer Unboxed It’s about writing for the YA audience. Go here.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Richard’s first 16 lines:

“Next!” the voice boomed through the corridor, the deep bass tones seemed to shake the walls of the dank hallway.

Shelton Chance snapped awake.

An open copy of Digital Mechanics Magazine flopped off his lap and clattered to the floor.

Shelton got down on his hands and knees and reached for the book.

At the sound of the command the other boys in the corridor snapped to attention and lined up along the wall.

Someone rushed past Shelton, their leg collided with his forehead and knocked him flat. The offending boy did not seem to realise what he had done and just carried on his way, leaving Shelton sprawled out on the floor.

He bit back a comment that would no doubt get him into trouble and struggled to his feet. Then he snatched up the magazine and flipped it open.

A few scratches were visible on the old liquid crystal screens, but otherwise there was no harm done.

He carefully closed the magazine’s outer panels together and fell into line with the others.

Shelton found himself standing behind a heavy set gorilla of a boy who, despite being (snip)

Compelling? Not for me.
That’s the challenge: a narrative with a story question that’s irresistible, or so loaded with tension that I have to know what will happen next. While this opening does the right thing by starting with a scene, for this reader it pretty much lacked a story question, and for tension we have a boy waking up from dozing (but no consequences for having dozed). Some notes:

“Next!” the voice boomed through the corridor; the deep bass tones seemed to shake the walls of the dank hallway. (Comma fault—this needed a semicolon or a conjunction. A missed chance to make the scene visual -- where is this dank hallway? What's special about it?)

Shelton Chance snapped awake.

An open copy of Digital Mechanics Magazine flopped off his lap and clattered to the floor. (A magazine that clatters is a nice, subtle clue that this is a different world. )

Shelton got down on his hands and knees and reached for the book. (I would move this sentence to after the one that follows.)

At the sound of the command the other boys in the corridor snapped to attention and lined up along the wall.

Someone rushed past Shelton, their leg collided with his forehead and knocked him flat. The offending boy did not seem to realise what he had done and just carried on his way, leaving Shelton sprawled out on the floor. (I didn’t see how this action detail contributed much to story or characterization. Also, it would be good to set the scene just a little so we can visualize where this is happening.)

He bit back a comment that would no doubt get him into trouble and struggled to his feet. Then He snatched up the magazine and flipped it open. (We’re spending a lot of time on the magazine, here and in the next sentence. While it does help build a world, I wonder if it could be shorter and less important)

A few scratches were visible on the old liquid crystal screens, but otherwise there was no harm done. (Trim the magazine. Get to story, or tension.)

He carefully closed the magazine’s outer panels together and fell into line with the others. (A chance to add to the setting—where is this line? Why is it there?)

Shelton found himself standing behind a heavy-set gorilla of a boy who, despite being (snip) (Actually, he knows who the boy is. If we’re deep in his point of view, he wouldn’t be thinking “a heavy-set gorilla of a boy,” he would be thinking “Bunce, who was the size of a gorilla," or somesuch.)

As it turns out, Shelton is called next and Bunce grabs him, holding him and taunting him, which could lead to trouble for Shelton. While that’s not gripping, getting to that moment on the first page might be enough tension to keep a reader moving. Potential is here, but unrealized by opening action that dawdles and the amount of focus given the physical nature of the magazine. Work to get some kind of story element on this first page if you can.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. Email: email 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Christine H]

I agree with Ray's analysis, but I was still curious enough to turn the page, hoping for a Harry Potter-like experience.

[lexi Revellian]

Two nitpicky points: 'snapped' twice on the page, and 'someone' is singular, so it should be 'his leg' not 'their leg'. All the paragraphs are short, which gives a jerky effect - more variety makes for a smoother read.

Okay, three points...

[Jessica]

I really had a hard time picturing the scene. After a second read, the electronic magazine reader let me know that there was some sort of science fiction angle. Other than that, though, I really couldn't tell who the character was, where the story was set, or what the story was going to be about.

You might consider less of a blow-by-blow description of the action, and more setting description, perhaps some of the protag's thoughts and feelings. Just a suggestion.

Best of luck.

[hope101]

I was recently at a conference and attended Jennifer Cruisie's session. She said to begin the story about five minutes before, during, or five minutes after the main character's stable life is suddenly shifted - even if that stability involves a lot of misery. What's missing for me in this piece is a sense of urgency, because I see a bullied boy but have no evidence of escalation.

Hope that helps.