Flogometer for Liz—will you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Liz’s first 16 lines:

Alek knew a dragon’s roar. He whipped the ship’s helm and the prow slid into the wind. As a practiced Aquila captain, Alek watched the foaming swells, adjusting his direction with every nuance of wind and sea. He felt the deck shudder, waves slapping against the hull.

The dragon roared again. A whistling shriek rose and fell in eerie cadence. It was on the hunt.

Singa Bay was dead ahead. If he could reach there before the dragon did, he would be safe. He flicked a quick glance over his shoulder. Sailors scrambled through the rigging, redirecting sails as quickly as his first mate screamed orders.

Alek swiveled farther. Copper hide glinted in the sunlight. The dragon had not relented. They needed more speed. The deck was slick with spray. Ropes lashed in the blow of wind and sea, rapping against any slow-moving sailor as sharply as a whip.

Alek squinted into the rising wind. “Singa Bay. Eight furlongs.”

“Aye,” Kitan said. The first mate frowned and leaped onto the lower deck.

The dragon screamed. Alek caught the hiss of wingtips folding against its side. Air whistled in tune with its rising keen. A thundering roar echoed much closer than he liked. A blur of glittering amber twisted in mid-air. It darted toward the ship. Alek ducked. The edge of a wing rapped his shoulder in a light touch, before it circled above the midmast.

I turned this page

Good, clear writing and starting with a strong scene—a dragon attacking, no less—were the elements that got me to turn the page. Good voice, too. Yet there are some nitpicks to make, and I think there was one more line that I’d encourage the writer to get on the first page. You’ll see why in a moment.

Alek knew a dragon’s roar. He whipped the ship’s helm and the prow slid into the wind. As a practiced Aquila captain, Alek He watched the foaming swells, adjusting his direction with every nuance of wind and sea. He felt t The deck shuddered, waves slapping against the hull. (The line about being practiced is the author inserting information and hardly from the character’s point of view. He certainly wouldn’t be thinking of how practiced he is at this moment. I recommend delivering the character’s experience the way he sees/feels it.)

The dragon roared again. A whistling shriek rose and fell in eerie cadence. It was on the hunt. (Here “eerie” is one of those conclusion words that just don’t mean anything. What does “eerie” sound like? You don’t know, do you? Neither would any reader. Delete this wasted word, maybe substitute description that gives the effect. For example, could the shriek send a shiver through Alek?)

Singa Bay was dead ahead. If he could reach there before the dragon did, he would be safe. He flicked a quick glance over his shoulder. Sailors scrambled through the rigging, redirecting sails as quickly as his first mate screamed orders. (As you will learn, this is a friendly dragon, and the writer is having a little fun with us. However, I wouldn’t take the misdirection this far. The sentence about being safe in the bay is a bit of a cheat since there really is no danger, so here it becomes an authorial lie. I’d delete this part and let the reader make assumptions. Flicking a glance automatically makes it quick, and cutting that word avoids the repetition in the next sentence.)

Alek swiveled farther. Copper hide glinted in the sunlight. The dragon had not relented. They needed more speed. The deck was slick with spray. Ropes lashed in the blow of wind and sea, rapping against any slow-moving sailor as sharply as a whip.

Alek squinted into the rising wind. “Singa Bay. Eight furlongs.”

“Aye,” Kitan said. The first mate frowned and leaped onto the lower deck. (I would delete these two sentences because they’re really not necessary, and doing so would add space for an important line coming up.)

The dragon screamed. Alek caught the hiss of wingtips folding against its side. Air whistled in tune with its rising keen. A thundering roar echoed much closer than he liked. A blur of glittering amber twisted in mid-air. It darted toward the ship. Alek ducked. The edge of a wing rapped his shoulder in a light touch, before it circled above the midmast.

“Ah, Alek. Too slow,” it said. “Your crew needs practice.” (In my view, getting this bit of dialogue from the dragon on the first page would enhance the appeal and help cement the hook. What do you think?)

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. Email: email 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Kami]

I had trouble with some of the sailing details. They didn't quite ring true for me. I'm not sure, for example, that the first mate would call out sail instructions. The ship seems generic--no clues about length, crew, masts, conformation ... And then I wondered why getting to land would make him safe from a dragon. If he expressed a reason--cannon defenses, or something, I could relate. Which brought to mind that, other than sailing fast(er), what defenses would a ship have against dragons? Might they not have special (small) cannons that could swivel to point high? Crossbows? Something? Because even the very fastest sailing ships wouldn't be able to outrun or outmaneuver a flying critter. Heck, there are modern engine-driven ships that can't outrun seagulls that could easily outpace a sailing ship.

Finally, I didn't get a sense of real peril here, maybe because the pov character didn't splash fear and action (or chafe at his helplessness) in the scene. The dragon's line at the end of the bit suggested that it was just a training exercise after all, maybe because I connected it to the 'practiced' mentioned at the beginning of the bit.

Still, this had a brightness, a kind of playful, technicolor feel to it that others may really enjoy, and it's likely that other readers wouldn't glitch on the sailing at all.

I hope this helps.

[Jessica]

Exciting and cleanly executed. I loved it.

[Marcel]

I'm not a reader of the genre, but I enjoyed this opening. I would have turned the page (for the same reasons as Ray). Ray's editing suggestions are great (although I would keep the dialogue lines).

I thought the details of the ship and the staging of the scene were just right. More would have been too much, IMO. Show me action over detail (especially at the start of a story).

My only concern, and it's a mild one, is that the writing is a bit heavy. There is a barrage of power verbs. I'm all for strong verbs (I'm aware how how-to books and critique groups and writing blogs ram this down your throat), but not all verbs have to be strong. Just like a telling detail, I like a power verb to be telling as well. I kick back in a comfy chair and relax when I read and the prose affects my relax factor. Just a thought.

Good luck with the story.

[Mittany]

I would turn the page. There are some nice phrases in here, "Copper hide glinted in the sunlight"; and "A blur of glittering amber twisted in mid-air." are particularly strong.

I think Ray's edit - about getting the dragon dialog in the 16 lines is a good one. (and it makes me wonder if I should evaluate ALL my writing in 16 line blocks to make sure I'm not adding unnecessary words (imagine!) and keep the story moving quickly forward.)

But I have to agree with Kami. Some of the sailing jargon doesn't fit. I don't need to know more details, you've given enough, they just need to be used more accurately.

" ... whipped the ship’s helm and the prow slid into the wind". Helms spin. Or are turned. You might whip a crew. But flogging (lol) a steering mechanism isn't going to get you anywhere. If you add a direction "whipped .... to the right (or left)" then your verb (action) works.

I've now read this sentence 4 times ...

"Ropes lashed in the blow of wind and sea, rapping against any slow-moving sailor as sharply as a whip."

When ropes are "lashed" to something, they (and the object they're tying down) are stationary. If they're "whipping around" in the wind, then they are not lashed. I know you're trying to say they're NOT tied down and the lose ends are whipping the sailors. If you change the order, "In the blow of wind and sea unlashed ropes ...." But I LOVE "blow of wind and sea"!

I am also doubtful you can "flick" a glance. You can flick your eyes or your hair (or a boogger!) but once again - you're doing something to an object.

I think you've got some nice momentum here - and I'd like to learn about a friendly dragon and why it choses to help a human! Great story idea.

~Mit

[Kami]

I wouldn't want a ton of extra detail. Mit was dead-on as far as expressing the kinds of things I subconsciously glitched on. Plus it doesn't take much to get a sense of scope as far as whether this is a 60 footer with a half dozen to a dozen crew or something as massive as a clipper with the equivalent of a small town operating on her. I just need a hint and my imagination will do the rest.

[Uninvoked]

The first couple of paragraphs did not grip me, but did keep me at least interested enough to give it a chance. If that was all I saw I probably wouldn't have turned the page.

The last paragraph...that hooked me. It hooked me so strongly I forgot all about every little annoyance from before and made me think, "I want this book."

Yes, I'd turn the page.

[LizP]

Thanks to all of you for your suggestions and feedback. I will definitely correct and enhance the sailing descriptions more. I've got a nice thick book of sailing techniques, but reading vs practical knowledge...

Thanks again to everyone.