Interview with yours truly up on Buzz Balls & Hype Thought you might be interested—there’s video of one of my old commercials that’s fun. Go here.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.
Gayle’s first 16 lines:
Didn’t quite get meThe man huddled over papers piled on his desk did not hear the uninvited click of the library door.
“Look up!” shouted a young man, face flush with expectation, the muzzle of his rifle pushing the door open. The final lingering snippets of daytime draped the area in a soft shimmering haze making it impossible to distinguish anything across the room—almost.
Fitzwilliam Darcy jumped up and raised his hands above his head, dropping a paper crammed with perplexing terms. He hated to admit defeat to the world of words floating to the floor or surrender to the lesser man pointing a gun at his chest.
His butler, Geoffries, attempted to grab the weapon. “Mr. Bingley has gone daft.”
“What is this? Is your one hundred thousand pound inheritance not adequate for you? Are you no longer rich enough? Must you rob me of my wealth too?”
A scarlet blush crept upwards from Charles Bingley’s neck as he lowered his rifle and remained fixed on the spot until Darcy waved away the butler. “No, no. I was just excited about the rifle.” He patted his firearm.
“Is this the gun you used to shoot more birds than I did last year? The one you refused to let me hold?”
Bingley held out the rifle. “Yes, but much improved.”
He accepted it from his friend and studied the gun’s unique firing mechanism after which he (snip)
This Austen-style romance shows some promise, but there are clarity and small craft issues even though the there are things I liked about the writing, and it seems to be evoking the right style. The tension caused by Bingley’s entrance quickly vanishes, but isn’t replaced by other story questions. Some notes:
The man huddled over papers piled on his desk did not hear the uninvited click of the library door. (This turns out to be a little bit of a point-of-view inconsistency as we go into a close third POV in the third paragraph. If we’re in a close POV, then things that the character isn’t aware of don’t belong in the narrative. Even using “unnoticed” won’t work because, if it’s not noticed, it doesn’t exist in the character’s mind.)
“Look up!” shouted a young man, face flush with expectation, the muzzle of his rifle pushing the door open. The final lingering snippets of daytime draped the area in a soft shimmering haze making it impossible to distinguish anything across the room—almost. (About those “lingering snippets:” while this may reflect the style of Victorian novels, I think this borders on overwriting and that a blend of then and now could work better. However, a man bursting in the door with a gun is a terrific story element and raises questions right away.)
Fitzwilliam Darcy jumped up and raised his hands above his head, dropping a paper crammed with perplexing terms. He hated to admit defeat to the world of words floating to the floor or surrender to the lesser man pointing a gun at his chest. (So now we’re in his close POV, which is fine. What isn’t fine, though, are details such as “perplexing terms” that can mean nothing to the reader. Unless it means something to the reader, why have it there?)
His butler, Geoffries, attempted to grab the weapon. “Mr. Bingley has gone daft.” (Clarity/staging issue here—was the butler in the room the whole time, which seems unlikely if Fitzwilliam is working on something perplexing, or did he dash in after the guy with the gun? If he’s already in the room, we need to see that before any grabbing begins. If he dashes in, we need to see that first. By the way, since Fitzwilliam knows Charles, then I think his name should be used in the second paragraph instead of “young man.” This has to do with establishing and keeping a close third-person POV.)
“What is this? Is your one-hundred-thousand-pound inheritance not adequate for you? Are you no longer rich enough? Must you rob me of my wealth too?” (Without digging through my style guide, I believe “one hundred thousand pound” here is a compound adjective and should be hyphenated.)
A scarlet blush crept upwards from Charles Bingley’s neck as he lowered his rifle and remained fixed on the spot until Darcy waved away the butler. “No, no. I was just excited about the rifle.” He patted his firearm. (Staging gap here—he remains “fixed” until Darcy waves away the butler, but the narrative doesn’t show us what he does after the butler retreats. Either have him move in some way or disconnect the waving away from the fixed on the spot parts.)
“Is this the gun you used to shoot more birds than I did last year? The one you refused to let me hold?” (Nice way to slip in a snippet of backstory.)
Bingley held out the rifle. “Yes, but much improved.”
He accepted it from his friend and studied the gun’s unique firing mechanism after which he (snip) (Antecedent problem here—“He” refers to Bingley, the last named human in the room. You need to use Fitz’s name here to be clear.)
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,
- Email: email 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
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© 2009 Ray Rhamey
Quite muddly - even in this short extract I found myself continually going back and reading a sentence again to attempt to grasp its meaning.
Why tell us the butler's name at this stage? Why, when a man with a gun enters, start telling us about the light conditions in the room? And the exchange between the two men is not credible on any level.
My advice is to leave Jane Austen alone - none of us bear comparison with her.
Posted by: lexi Revellian | August 28, 2009 at 09:09 AM
This appears to be a humorous take-off of "Pride and Prejudice." You may want to look into how far you are allowed to go with using another author's characters, even a long-deceased one.
I agree with previous comments as to clarity and credibility. It needs some work, but you definitely have some raw talent here that is worth developing, IMHO.
Posted by: Christine H. | August 28, 2009 at 12:49 PM
P.S. I think both Bingley and Darcy are too adept as sportsmen for one to point a loaded gun at the other, even in fun. So that poses a little problem for me, too. But it could also be part of the satire, if this is humor.
Posted by: Christine H. | August 28, 2009 at 12:52 PM
If this is a satire, it may eventually work, but the voice is off for an Austen spin-off. The subject matter is a bit weird too. Austen is all about the manners, and this starts out like an action-adventure. But enough about that.
The prose doesn't work on the page. The setting keeps intruding into what ought to be an action scene. Either establish the setting first, or leave it alone until things calm down. As my friend Dave says, when I'm reading about an emergency the last thing I care about is the color of the curtains. So all that about shimmering haze and papers clogs the flow.
The butler was out of line protagging, btw. Darcy ought to reprimand Bingley. The butler may grab for the rifle and be afraid, but to actually speak in Darcy's place *and* call a nobleman daft? Yikes!
Posted by: Kami | August 28, 2009 at 05:21 PM
And another thing...'face flush with expectation' - it should be 'flushed'. 'Flush' means 'level'.
Posted by: lexi Revellian | August 30, 2009 at 03:28 AM
One more thing... despite the technical writing issues, it is really an enjoyable concept overall. I wouldn't abandon it, just perhaps change the names, using Austen's characters as a starting point for your ideas, rather than trying to borrow them.
I do think that you should research antique rifles, as the men would probably refer to a particular firearm as a 'Longbarrel Special' or whatever, rather than just a 'gun.'
Posted by: Christine H. | August 30, 2009 at 10:09 AM
Christine H -- FYI, if a work is in the public domain (i.e., if it was published before January 1, 1923), an author can use the characters and settings to create new works, and does not require permission. Since P&P was published in the early 1800's, Gayle is fine.
That said, however, this opening didn't work for me. I'm a rabid Austen fan (I practically know P&P by heart), and all I could think is "Darcy and Bingley would never talk or act like that." I'd like to see Darcy and Bingley's dialogue and behavior be more consistent with the characters in P&P, even though the situation Gayle's put them in is very un-Austen-like. And the butler sounds more like he's out of Wodehouse than out of the early 19th century.
I also agree with Ray's comment that the description should be toned down a bit.
Posted by: Gayton | August 31, 2009 at 11:08 AM