Flogometer for Eden—will you turn the page?

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Fog-shrouded ocean is this morning’s view at Bandon By-the-Sea, one of my favorite towns on the Oregon coast. Wife and I are spending three days here as just pure vacation (well, other than the fact that I’m doing the blog) on the way back home.

I want to highly recommend the Mendocino Coast Writers Conference to you. The presenters were excellent, and I came away from the sessions I attended (after having done my workshop on the first day) refreshed and inspired. I should receive evaluations of my presentation in a few weeks, though I have hopes that they will be positive as I spoke with several attendees afterward and they all had good things to say. One writer, after attending the workshop, went to the conference bookstore and bought my book, Flogging the Quill, which the Midwest Book Review called “a workshop in a book.”

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Eden sent a prologue and first chapter. The prologue’s first 16 lines:

Ankou enjoyed delaying pleasure—stretching the game out until he couldn’t stand it any longer. Killing a faery was a rare occasion. So when the opportunity presented itself, he made sure to savor it.

The blonde lovely had given birth, and her suffering satisfied Ankou immensely. Next to consuming an entire soul, fear and pain came second. This pain was unexpected. He thought the mother would be stronger as it was odd to encounter weak fae. Gratification filled him nonetheless while he fed off her emotions and anticipated what was to come. He was incensed, though, that she recovered so quickly.

The babe’s hair glistened and twinkled like the night sky—the opposite of her mother’s. Her face stunned even the butterflies and bees. The older beauty looked on with pride as Ankou considered finding a way for the child to survive longer than most changelings. It would give him something to look forward to in the distant future. More delicious waiting.

He pondered this as the mother prepared her child for the journey ahead. Faeries did all sorts of things he didn’t understand, such as performing purification rituals, and using herbs to heal and guard. All ridiculous. None of the fae could die unless Ankou chose to destroy them. And since he could hardly ever participate in such a delectable act, they were not exactly in danger.

Fae were of a spiritual realm. They were jealous of the physicality of humans, and tried to imitate them as much as possible. As laughable as it was, their envy was the bulk of his diet. So boring, (snip)

And now for Eden’s first chapter’s opening lines:

Sitting straight up in bed, Alexis looked all around her. She patted the sheets to feel they were real, and pulled them close to herself while attempting to gather her bearings.

A second ago, she was deep in the forest with beautiful creatures. She’d smelled fresh air and bathed in the sun’s rays that filtered through the trees. Some of the beings had wings and flew above her head as she watched in awe. Still others were winged yet could not fly, but that didn’t take away from their magic. Alexis found them all to be wonderful. Not a single one was as boring and simple as the pale, yellow walls and dark, matching furniture that Mrs. Hodge chose for her daughter’s bedroom.

Giggling unexpectedly, Alexis realized that if anyone was to see her in the mornings, they’d think she was acting, or trying to get attention. People don’t really bolt upward in bed, do they? No. So, why does it happen to me every dang day?

She looked at the clock—it said 6:17. A sigh of relief left her. Plenty of time. Grabbing her worn-in, leather bound, dream journal, Alexis pulled the pen out of the side loop and relaxed back against her pillows. She focused on breathing deeply, and briefly closed her eyes to bring her dream back to life. Within seconds, she’d remembered everything and began furiously scribbling away.

She wrote of that night’s adventures, thanking the dream gods—or whoever ruled these matters—that she’d encountered glorious creatures. Nothing grotesque, like the dreams she’d tended to (snip)

Usually, prologues don’t work for me, but this one did. It introduces a thoroughly evil character and, if you were able to read on, is truly horrific and sets the stakes for the protagonist’s story, who is a changeling. The only thing I’d caution the writer about is the last paragraph, where the creature refers to ” Fae were of a spiritual realm.” This is the author intruding to give information. It can still be there, but should be from the creature’s point of view. But here, I’d skip this bit altogether as it is really an aside, exposition about the fae side of this world, and not germane to what’s going on in this scene.

The prologue contained enough for me to be willing to read through some pages of the first chapter, but, as a stand-alone, it lacked tension. In fact, it went on to deal with straight-forward young-woman-angst regarding a boyfriend in the context of getting up in the morning and going to class at college. There was the remembrance of the dream, which we can connect with the prologue, but that soon disappeared in to “real” life. I’d like to have gotten on with the adventure, and I think that the story (after the prologue) should start later. Nice writing, though (except for the part that should have been “A second ago, she had been deep in…etc.

Good work, Eden, and the story is one I’d like to have read more of.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Your generosity helps defray the cost of hosting FtQ.

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. Email: email 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Sarah Jensen]

I'd have to agree that the prologue is wonderful. Being lucky enough to have read the whole thing.
And I'd agree that the story should start later. The whole thing with the fae, IMO, is more interesting than Alexis' real life. :)
So I'd weave it in, the important parts.
But this story is great, and the prologue is beyond good! It's brilliantly evil. ;)

[Eden Tyler]

Seeing my work on this site surprisingly let me gain some perspective as to how a first time reader would see my work. I didn't think it would, but the way this is set up is really a good deal.

I'm already working on a new beginning to the first chapter--it was something I was planning anyway, but it's not polished enough to have re-submitted to Ray in time. I will say that it definitely delves into the action right away and the beginning of the first chapter will be weaved in later--the necessary parts.

I've noticed it's about half and half as far as who would turn the page and who wouldn't, but no one's really said why...
I have a decent idea why a reader wouldn't turn the page in the first chapter, but I'm curious as to what doesn't work in the prologue (other than author intrustion in the one sentence).

I'd appreciate any and all comments! Knowing what doesn't work helps immensely, as I'm sure you all know! I have thick skin, I promise!

The prologue is what most people (out of almost 200 readers) tell me is strong and shouldn't be changed much anymore. It's been through about 30 revisions already, just on its own... I'd like to make (or keep) it strong, obviously, as it's the beginning of the book.

If you have any suggestions, let me know!!
Thanks a lot =)

And thank you, Ray. Love this site!

[Dean Moriarty]

As someone who keeps afar of fantasy save for Harry Potter, I think the prologue is really well done. Another problem I had with that last paragraph was the didactic technical description- What hooked me was the contemptible human aspect of the character. Of course as I said I'm speaking as a non-fantasy fan, but I'd say let the world unfold in a way where you're not listing bizarre facts- More of a caveat, something to look out for, considering the introductory scene was a perfect example of easing into the alternate reality.

[hope101 (Jan)]

It sounds like you've already heard what I was going to say about Chapter 1, so I won't comment on that at all. Aside from a few nits, the writing was lovely and clean. I particularly found the description of the fae child's hair quite picturesque.

Some thoughts I have about the prologue, and please take them for what they are worth.
1. I'm confused. I thought Ankou was going to kill them, but now they are preparing for a journey and the mother has recovered. Is the journey death? And is she performing a bastism, or some such?

2. Since reading the Donald Maass book - and another very famous writer's series, in which I'm told many, many people skip the Ehvil Lhesser sections - I'm very aware when I spot a particular type of antagonist. It's what DM refers to as the Mwhoohaha villain. To be honest, I think you have a bit of one here. Now some people may go for that, but whenever I'm given something so cosmically evil, it actually reduces my terror for the innocent creatures they destroy. I'm conscious of it being a story.

So, what would pull me in personally more as a reader is both or either of the following:
--add some redeeming qualities or human qualities to the antagonist so he's not quite so cartoonish--DM has great suggestions for how to do this in his last book
--write the scene from the POV of the fairy mother

Honestly, I think the latter solution would be extremely powerful. We'd no longer know what's in Ankou's mind or why he does things. We'd just witness firsthand how he objectifies these creatures and their resulting panic.

Anyway, please don't be discouraged by the length of my comments. I really think you've got the chops; it's just the strategy and approach you might want to rethink.

[Eden Tyler]

**Jan--

It's interesting that you suggested writing the prologue from the mother's POV, as that's how the book started. It was disastrous, to say the least lol :)
It wasn't until I changed it to Ankou's POV that it worked.

I agree that he might seem like that type of villian, and in the prologue, I suppose it's true....but, in the rest of the book, he is nothing of the sort. He is the main antagonist, but in an entirely different way--he's another person. It's hard to explain without knowing the story...
I guess my point is that I hope the prologue won't come across that way to too many readers (you're the first out of many to even hint at that, but it's extremely valid!) because I'd like people to read on and see who the true antagonist is in the book. To get to the real story--the prologue is just a hint of what's to come...

Prologues in fantasy are always kind of 'out there' and a little *too* fantastical (is that a word? lol).

OK, I'm rambling here and sounding like I'm defending myself when I asked for the feedback.
I don't want to come across that way as it's not the case! I'm glad you pointed that out!! Gives me something new to think about =)
That's what I want and it's what I need.
Long comments are the best, IMO!

Thanks for your input and I appreciate you reading and taking the time to comment.

(btw, if you were able to read on, you'd find out that he does kill her at the end of the prologue. the faery is preparing her child to be switched with a human, and he's waiting for her to get to a point where he can attack =) see, this is why this site is so great. i get to find out what people think when they have no idea what's to come! gives me a whole new perspective.)

**Dean--

Thank you, as well. It's always a pleasure to know that a reader who isn't that fond of fantasy was somewhat pleased by my dark fantasy!

It's interesting that you found him to have a human aspect, as Jan said the opposite...

I guess this is why we writers have to stay true to our own version of the story and take what we can out of all criticism. Never take anything to personally or seriously (unless someone offers publication haha -- I kinda have to finish the MS first, though ;))

Thank you!!

-Eden*

[Eden Tyler]

OK --

This is an edit for the prologue. I chunked the part about fae being spiritual, as it was author intrusion AND Ray was right (of course!) - it's not needed in this scene.
So here's what it could be (give or take a few words...)

* * *

Ankou enjoyed delaying pleasure—stretching the game out until he couldn’t stand it any longer. Killing a faery was a rare occasion. So when the opportunity presented itself, he made sure to savor it.

The blonde lovely had given birth, and her suffering satisfied Ankou immensely. Next to consuming an entire soul, fear and pain came second. This pain was unexpected. He thought the mother would be stronger as it was odd to encounter weak fae. Gratification filled him nonetheless while he fed off her emotions and anticipated what was to come. He was incensed, though, that she recovered so quickly.

The babe’s hair glistened and twinkled like the night sky—the opposite of her mother’s. Her face stunned even the butterflies and bees. The older beauty looked on with pride as Ankou considered finding a way for the child to survive longer than most changelings. It would give him something to look forward to in the distant future. More delicious waiting.

He pondered this as the mother prepared her child for the journey to her new home with ridiculous purification and guarding rituals. Nothing could save the child if he wanted it badly enough, but he let the faery go on with her work. Patiently, Ankou waited. Having been alone for a while, he grew hungrier by the minute.

Another lovely eventually approached the watched pair. Sucking out what emotions he could from this new one, Ankou observed as she placed enchanted kisses on the others’ foreheads. It was time.

[hope101 (Jan)]

Eden, I'm used to being the outlier, lol, so no surprise there. Also, I never said, but I would have read on for the prologue despite my suggested tweaks. Heck, I've read the entire Black Dagger Brotherhood series even though it irritates the heck out of me at times.

Anyway, good luck!

[Ruth]

I am so intrigued by the prologue that I'd love to read this, even though I find the faery-killer thing repulsive. What worked for me:
* a changeling!
* preparing the child for the journey--apparently the mother knows the baby will be a changeling... I want to know how this works.
* the reassurance that the child will survive (at least for now)
* the part about the fae envying and imitating the physicality of humans--that's very intriguing.
Good luck!

[Eden Tyler]

Thanks so much for your comments and votes, everyone!
I have lots to think about now and so much to work with (Ray sent me some short notes of his own after I asked!). I'm glad I submitted my work - everyone should =)

-Eden

[Uninvoked]

I loved the prologue! Agreed not so big on the first chapter. I was captivated by what was going on, couldn't wait for the first chapter, and then...some boring woman. Forget sleepy head, I'm going faerie hunting!