Flogometer for Celise: would you turn the page?

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Hey, pal, can you spare a review for Barnes & Noble? There are 17 reviews of Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells up at Amazon, but none at Barnes and Noble. If you can spare a minute and have read my book, I would appreciate your adding a review here. Thanks.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Celise’s first 16 lines of a YA novel:

The hairs on the back of my neck are standing on end again. Reaching up to smooth them down, I glance at the empty chair next to me. Rader DeChanel is tardy again, but he’s close. I can sense him. For real. The feeling goes no further than a prickle at the back of my neck, but it’s enough. I call it my EWS (Early Warning System). It came in handy when I discovered The Foster Couple From Hell (aka The FCFH) were involved in illegal activities and had been under investigation by the FBI. I did a little-big favor for the bureau and BOO-YAH! I’m recruited into the Youth Informant Division, and transplanted from New York City to Phoenix, Arizona. Attending this school. And dealing with a consistently tardy lab partner. A six-foot-two inch, brown-haired, blue-eyed guy named Rader DeChanel.

My EWS locked onto him during my first semester here at Craycroft School of the Arts. He strolled into my biology class, making every girl's breasts perk up. Except mine, of course. Although I’m not attracted to white guys, Rader is a pretty good-looking guy. His girlfriend is Taffy Royale, resident Drama Queen and owner of an irritatingly perky giggle. Yes, it’s true. She doesn’t laugh, she giggles. If she were a doll, she’d be Tickle Me Elmo’s kid sister. And what’s with the name Taffy? A person can get a cavity just from saying her name.

The slap of the closing door draws everyone’s attention to the front. I look up and watch (snip)

Voice earned a page turn, but. . .

The lively and fun voice got me to turn the page, along with the story question raised by the FBI part. However, you’d better get to some story pretty soon for this reader. I’ve noticed that in some YA novels that I’ve read the narrative often spends a lot of time introducing a character, and this sample seems to fit that mode. Personally—and professionally—I think it’s better to also be introducing a story at the same time. In fact, I reached the end of the chapter 14 pages later not knowing much more about the story/case/plot. Some notes:

The hairs on the back of my neck are standing on end again. Reaching up to smooth them down, I glance at the empty chair next to me. Rader DeChanel is tardy again, but he’s close. I can sense him. For real. The feeling goes no further than a prickle at the back of my neck, but it’s enough. I call it my EWS (Early Warning System). It came in handy when I discovered The Foster Couple From Hell (aka The FCFH) were involved in illegal activities and had been under investigation by the FBI. I did a little-big favor for the bureau and BOO-YAH! I’m recruited into the Youth Informant Division, and transplanted from New York City to Phoenix, Arizona. Attending this school. And dealing with a consistently tardy lab partner. A six-foot-two inch, brown-haired, blue-eyed guy named Rader DeChanel. (Couple of small things: I don’t think that the hairs on the back of your neck that “stand up” are really the long kind that you might smooth down—are they? Isn’t this more of a goose-bump reaction? Also, I suggest that she call the couple the Foster Parents from Hell rather than “Couple.” Foster Parents communicates so much more quickly, and is the common term. More than that, why the vague, abstract “illegal activities” instead of what the activities really were? Is there a reason for withholding this? Details make reality and character, and here it would contribute to both to name the crime, IMO.)

My EWS locked onto him during my first semester here at Craycroft School of the Arts. He strolled into my biology class, making every girl's breasts perk up. Except mine, of course. Although I’m not attracted to white guys, Rader is a pretty good-looking guy. His girlfriend is Taffy Royale, resident Drama Queen and owner of an irritatingly perky giggle. Yes, it’s true. She doesn’t laugh, she giggles. If she were a doll, she’d be Tickle Me Elmo’s kid sister. And what’s with the name Taffy? A person can get a cavity just from saying her name. (I found it interesting to learn that girls’ breasts can perk up. Really? The snarky description of Taffy was part of what got me to turn the page, though, as you can see, I think it can be trimmed just a little.)

The slap of the closing door draws everyone’s attention to the front. I look up and watch (snip) (I think things like “the slap of the closing door” are overwriting. Just get the guy into the room—some details, while also creating a reality, also create sludge.)

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. Email: email 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Jessica]

I like the setup, but thought that the story got tangled up with a lot of unnecessary information and cutesy language. I found the acronyms and exclamations distracting, and thought that the information could have been better conveyed in 2-3 punchy short sentences.

That being said, I *really really* like the premise, and it looks like it's going to be an excellent story. Best of luck with it.

[kathy]

Almost, but no. Too vauge for me, and I thougth the POV was from a male because of the language, util the breast part.

[lexi Revellian]

What with the neck hairs, the mobile breasts and the fancy names, I assumed the narrator was an alien.

All those acronyms and other information made me feel I was studying for a test. I'd put the information about the foster parents and her recruitment later on. But first pages are really hard to get right.

There's a repeat of guys/guy - I'd drop the second one.

[Kami]

There's too much repetition throughout. The voice was fine and I was okay with the story so far, but for example "six-foot-two inch, brown-haired, blue-eyed guy named Rader DeChanel," we already know he's named Rader DeChanel. Consistently tardy lab partner who is tardy again, the giggles repeat, saying he's a good looking guy in many different ways ... I suspect you need to trust your reader more. When you trust that the reader gets it the first time, then the story can move along a little faster.

[Celise]

Thanks for the feedback, everyone. Greatly appreciated.

[Dai Alanye]

Sorry, no go for me.

I guess this would be the chick-lit version of YA, and way too cutesy. But tastes differ, so some might like it, especially if it's aimed at young (and silly) female readers. There are a slew of them out there.

"Standing on end… smooth down" An unfortunate juxtaposition. "Rader DeChanel," "Taffy" Unfortunate name choices. But a perky writing style.

Dai

[Christine H]

I just have to comment on the "breasts perking up." I assumed this meant that all the girls suddenly sat up straighter and pushed their chests out. It created an instant image that brought me right back to high school.

[Victoria Dixon]

I liked the hints of your humor, but wanted more humor and wanted to see what you were telling me. Didn't know your pov character was female. She sounded more male. Try doing the scene in dialogue and see what happens.

[Christine H]

I thought the main character was male, also. I guess because I'm assuming that if the hairs were standing up on the back of the person's neck, that person had a very short haircut, probably a boy. And the voice sounded masculine as well, though I can't say why.

[von]

>>He strolled into my biology class, making every girl's breasts perk up. Except mine, of course. Although I’m not attracted to white guys, Rader is a pretty good-looking guy.

The logic of the above sentence escapes me.

... perk up. Except mine, I'm not attracted to white me, however attractive.

... perk up. Except mine, altho Rader is a good looking guy, I'm not attracted to white men.

etc.

But the 'of course' followed by 'although' loses me.