Flogometer for Camille: would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Camille’s first 16 lines:

Imitating sleep was more painful than it looked, especially when confined in the backseat of an unkempt old van. Slumped over, challenging the constraints of the seatbelt that crossed her chest, Genny tried to keep her breathing in check. Meanwhile, Dr. M. drummed his fingers against the steering wheel to the beat of some imagined song.

Does he really believe I’m asleep? she wondered. Under normal circumstances he would have been all over her for pulling such a childish stunt.

If he really thinks I’m sleeping, I could catch him off guard, wrap the seatbelt around his neck, wrench it around the headrest while he tried to claw the strap loose, while his skin changed color as he gasped for air and my knuckles turned white from the strain, just until the car swerved across the lane into oncoming traffic, until we hit…

A siren sounded and the scene went black.

Genny’s fingers ached.

Did I...? Please tell me I didn’t kill us!

She pictured things she couldn’t yet face: splintered headlights, contorted limbs in rigid poses, blood red shadows growing under the seats.

The van rocked as the wailing siren rushed past.

Interested, but not compelled

Lots of good elements, here—starting with a scene, setting the scene so I can see where it’s taking place, clean writing. I think that, ultimately, it was a lack of clarity that stopped me. Maybe I was just sleepy or something, but still, I was confused. I’ll point that out in my notes.

But first, here’s something from the second page that, if it had been on the first page, would have gotten me to turn the page:

Hey Dr. M., I just imagined strangling you and killing both of us. Do you still think I’m stable enough to live with this foster family?

What do you think? Now, notes:

Imitating sleep was more painful than it looked, especially when confined in the backseat of an unkempt old van. Slumped over, challenging the constraints of the seatbelt that crossed her chest, Genny tried to keep her breathing in check. Meanwhile, Dr. M. drummed his fingers against the steering wheel to the beat of some imagined song. (Good setting of the scene, but one thing confused me: why is she trying to keep her breathing in check? In check from what?)

Does he really believe I’m asleep? she wondered. Under normal circumstances he would have been all over her for pulling such a childish stunt. (This was the second thing that took me out of the story: to what childish stunt is she referring? Something that happened before the story opened? If so, that doesn’t work for bringing the reader on board. If it’s the pretending to be asleep, why is that a childish stunt? And how would he know in order to get “all over her?”)

If he really thinks I’m sleeping, I could catch him off guard, wrap the seatbelt around his neck, wrench it around the headrest while he tried to claw the strap loose, while his skin changed color as he gasped for air and my knuckles turned white from the strain, just until the car swerved across the lane into oncoming traffic, until we hit… (This, however, is terrific, really gets into character. If this had been followed on this page with the line I pointed out above, I’d have been there. There would have been room for it if the “breathing in check” sentence and the second paragraph were cut. They really aren’t needed, and the second paragraph was unclear to me.)

A siren sounded and the scene went black. (This confused me, too. If she’s pretending to be asleep, with her eyes closed, the scene would already be black. So what scene does this refer to?)

Genny’s fingers ached.

Did I...? Please tell me I didn’t kill us! (This is an interesting line, too. It tells us that she doesn’t really mean her murderous imagining. What might straighten things out for me would be a change in the order of things. I’d get rid of the scene going black and put the next paragraph about picturing things in that paragraph, right after the siren sounding. Then I’d put the fingers aching and this paragraph after that, and then, after the siren goes past, the paragraph I singled out from the following page.)

She pictured things she couldn’t yet face: splintered headlights, contorted limbs in rigid poses, blood-red shadows growing under the seats.

The van rocked as when the wailing siren rushed past.

Since the reconfiguration of what I meant sounded confusing to me, here’s the edited version (14 lines):

Slumping over to imitate sleep was more painful than it looked, especially when confined in the backseat of an unkempt old van. Meanwhile, Dr. M. drummed his fingers against the steering wheel to the beat of some imagined song.

If he really thinks I’m sleeping, I could catch him off guard, wrap the seatbelt around his neck, wrench it around the headrest while he tried to claw the strap loose, while his skin changed color as he gasped for air and my knuckles turned white from the strain, just until the car swerved across the lane into oncoming traffic, until we hit…

A siren sounded. She pictured things she couldn’t yet face: splintered headlights, contorted limbs in rigid poses, blood-red shadows growing under the seats.

Genny’s fingers ached.

Did I...? Please tell me I didn’t kill us!

The van rocked when the wailing siren rushed past.

Hey Dr. M., I just imagined strangling you and killing both of us. Do you still think I’m stable enough to live with this foster family?

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. Email: email 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Jessica]

It was a tense scene, an interesting scene. Cleaning up the language, IMO, would make it a page-turner.

The first line didn't seem to match the rest in tone. It felt too formal to me. The paragraph in italics would make a better opening, IMO, especially if stripped of some of the extensive description. I was confused by this line: Please tell me I didn’t kill us! Perhaps if her psychic abilities were stated outright earlier on, the situation would be clearer.

But I really liked this opening, and it sounds like an exciting story. Best of luck with it!

[D. Robert Pease]

Wow. What an example of how an editor can take a good concept, with good writing and make a great scene. I would definitely turn the page after Ray's tweaks. (and they were just that, tweaks to already good writing.)

[kathy]

I like the writing and would turn the page. I was however confused with the sequence also. Ray,has some very good suggestions.
Look forward to reading the rest!

[Jodi]

The only reason I voted no? This line here: "Did I...? Please tell me I didn’t kill us!"

It made me go "what?" As in, what did I miss? As in, why would she think that? As in, I'm confused.

The suggest rewrite works well for me.