Flogometer for Aimée—will you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Aimée’s first 16 lines:

As her mind registered what she saw, her head started to spin. Eyes drooped, knees buckled and within a split second, she crashed — one presumably unconscious body.

She could feel her head in someone’s hands though her mind couldn’t reconcile her position.

“Give her some breathing room.” Robert’s voice. Was he talking to Cat?

“We’ve got oxygen here,” a voice she didn’t recognize. She felt something firm yet soft press onto her nose.

“She seems to be coming around,” Robert’s voice again.

Coming ‘round from what?

“Oh please, please be ok!” Cat’s concern forced her to open her eyes a little. Four faces, each with varying degrees of concern looked back at her.

“Can you hear me?” Robert interrupted Cat’s worried tirade.

She nodded.

“Can you tell me your name?”

“Sarah,” her voice a tempered whisper. “What happened?” Confusion rang through the short question.

“We’ll get to that. Does anything feel numb or like you can’t move it?” Robert waved his (snip)

Didn’t carry me forward
While there is some situational tension here, we don’t know what it’s about, or how serious the problem is. We know that the protagonist is someone that others care about, but we’re pretty much in the dark as to what’s going on, where we are, and what the situation is. There are some craft issues to note, as well. Some thoughts:

As her mind registered what she saw, her head started to spin. Eyes drooped, knees buckled and within a split second, she crashed — one presumably unconscious body. (The very first sentence gave me pause, mostly because the reader isn’t allowed to see what the character sees. Seeing nothing, there’s no way to enter into that experience, and nothing to stimulate either our imaginations or empathy. The rest of the chapter never reveals what she saw even though she starts talking about it at the end with Cat, and they say it was real. But what was it? I think this is an effort by the write to build suspense, but for this reader it didn’t work. I’d give the reader something to chew on and work with the character’s reactions to it [aside from passing out]. In addition, watch out for clichés. A spinning head is one, so is “split second,” and “knees buckled” is a tired way to show that. Later in the narrative I saw “quite as a mouse.” Scrub these tired phrases.)

She could feel her head in someone’s hands though her mind couldn’t reconcile her position.

“Give her some breathing room.” Robert’s voice. Was he talking to Cat?

“We’ve got oxygen here,” a voice she didn’t recognize. She felt s Something firm yet soft pressed onto her nose.

“She seems to be coming around.” Robert’s voice again.

Coming ‘round from what? (A clarity issue for me here—she’s obviously thinking and hearing, it seems unlikely that she can’t understand that they’re talking about her falling and blacking out.)

“Oh please, please be ok!” Cat’s concern forced her to open her eyes a little. Four faces, each with varying degrees of concern looked back at her. (Couple of things: it would be the concern in Cat’s voice that she responds to—she can’t actually know that Cat is concerned. Also, there’s the repetition of “concern” that should be avoided.)

“Can you hear me?” Robert interrupted Cat’s worried tirade. (A couple more things. He doesn’t interrupt anything, Cat finishes her sentence and then we see faces looking at the protagonist. And I hardly think Cat’s brief expression of concern could be called a tirade, which is “a protracted speech usually marked by intemperate, vituperative, or harshly censorious language.”).

She nodded.

“Can you tell me your name?”

“Sarah,” her voice a tempered whisper. “What happened?” Confusion rang through the short question. (It didn’t ring true to me that confusion “rang” [apologies for the pun : )]. Seems like confusion is a muddled state, something that creeps and spreads like fog. Frankly, I don't get what a "tempered" whisper would be like -- I don't get what the writer is going for here. Also, why describe the question? It doesn’t really matter that it’s short; this is, for me, a waste of words.)

“We’ll get to that. Does anything feel numb or like you can’t move it?” Robert waved his (snip) (While it may be realistic that a doctor (that’s what Robert is) would go through this examination of symptoms, it really slows the story to a stop for me. I’d find a way to skip all this and get her awake and talking asap.)

The writing is sound, so now concentrate on the storytelling. It would help to set the scene just a little here—where are they? Give us a context in which to see what’s happening. And I don’t think withholding what the character sees is working, mostly because the reader sees only a blank, so all that follows can’t make a lot of sense, IMO.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. Email: email 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Eden Tyler]

I voted to turn the page even though the writing could stand to be tightened up. While reading Ray's comments, I found myself agreeing with almost all of them. The reason I turned the page is because I had a feeling that the situation would be clarified soon and the story would truly begin...

[Kami]

I was too confused to go on. For one thing, I wasn't sure if Cat might not be a cat. I'm not sure why since there's nothing in the text to suggest that--maybe it's the four faces, I got a sudden image of four furry faces and little paws resting on her chest, since it's difficult for me to imagine four people both doing something to help *and* arranging themselves in such a way that she can see all four of them looking at her through a slitted eye.

I may be just having a very literal morning, too, because when her head spun I imagined The Exorcist.

I don't know if she's in a crowded theater, or a white, windowless room, why she's around these four other people--do they live with her, are they at the park ...? No context except that someone has oxygene on hand for some reason, no idea of her level of peril. I'm all for jumping right into the story, but this jumped a little too far for me.

I hope this helps.

[Aimee Laine]

Ray -- thank you so much for the insight and words!

Eden -- thank you for turning! :)

Kami -- The protag. does have a cat ... but he's not in the picture until much much much later -- and it's only a bit part. ;)

My first run at the opening 16 lines and chapter and I was told it didn't get into the story fast enough. This is my 2nd run at it ... guess I went overboard. :)

So to keep with the cliche's ... hopefully the 3rd try will be the charm.

[lexi Revellian]

Kami, thanks for making me hoot with laughter at the idea Cat might be a cat...

Aimée, my feeling is you need to live the scene as Cat before you write it - not literally, but in your imagination, picturing what she would experience and think.

[Aimee Laine]

Lexi - Thank you. Cat is not the protag. Sarah is. She's the one that fainted and she is the perspective we are reading here. Cat is her trusty side-kick who is freaked by what has just happened. :)

[Uninvoked]

Maybe something like, "Oh God what was it..." might help in the beginning. I'd perk up if your focus on her terror/shock/whatever it was that made her black out. You could maybe insert these thoughts around the dialogue to add depth to what really hooks us...what's going on.

[Aimee Laine]

Uninvoked -- that's so funny because that's how I'd written it the first time, but kept being told it wasn't catching. :) I'm going to rework. :) Thanks!