The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.
Mary’s first 16 lines.
The conflict took me to the next page“Haven’t you thrown yourself under the buss yet?”
“If I commit suicide you get nothing out of that fancy insurance policy you got.”
You learn a lot about people when the man with no arms, donation trays strapped to his shoulders, trolls through the buss station. Some people look them right at them, others walk way, some look at their feet. A few give them money. I’m the kind of person who gives them everything I got, my whole paycheck, even when it means going hungry. Who am I to complain, I have my arms. I make an exception to my generosity when it comes to my step father.
My step dad’s the kind of man who wonders why the guy doesn’t throw himself under a buss. Now he’s got diabetes. He’s always had the shit, least since he married my mother when I was twelve and introduced me to mattress polo. He just had his arm amputated.
“As long as you’re dead, I’m happy.”
“What the fuck you want.”
“Where’s my mother.”
“If you called to ask her for money, she’s gonna say no.”
“Cus if she don’t she gets acquainted with your fist, blah, blah, blah. I need money for a hearse.”
Steven mumbled the way people do when they’ve got a response prepared and you say (snip)
This opening drips with conflict. Despite some things that I think ought to be done, I was curious enough to know what happened next to turn the page. Some notes:
Haven’t you thrown yourself under the bus
bussyet?” (Even though this character turns out to sound not well educated, misspelling a word in her dialogue isn’t a good idea.)“If I commit suicide you get nothing out of that fancy insurance policy you got.” (Somewhere around here it would be helpful to set the scene, just a little. Readers need context in which to see characters act. Just dialogue or, as here, dialogue and interior monologue, leaves us wondering. We don’t even know the gender or name of this person. I skimmed the chapter and never did see a name—that’s a lack you should correct. Setting the scene and including a name doesn’t have to take a lot of time. For example, what if here it read something like: I batted a fly away and stared out the torn screen door. My stepfather said, “If I commit suicide, you get nothing out of that fancy insurance policy you got, Suz.” Or something. Anything to give us a picture.)
You learn a lot about people when the man with no arms, donation trays strapped to his shoulders, trolls through the buss station. Some people look them right at them, others walk way, some look at their feet. A few give them money. I’m the kind of person who gives them everything I got, my whole paycheck, even when it means going hungry. Who am I to complain, I have my arms. I make an exception to my generosity when it comes to my stepfather
step father.My stepdad’s
step dad’sthe kind of man who wonders why the guy doesn’t throw himself under a busbuss. Now he’s got diabetes. He’s always had the shit, least since he married my mother when I was twelve and introduced me to mattress polo. He just had his arm amputated.“As long as you’re dead, I’m happy.”
“What the fuck you want?” (It’s not a bad idea to use question marks at the ends of questions.)
“Where’s my mother?”
“If you called to ask her for money, she’s gonna say no.”
“’Cus if she don’t she gets acquainted with your fist, blah, blah, blah. I need money for a hearse.” (Shortened words like “cus” for “because” are helped with an apostrophe to indicate that there’s something missing. Good, provocative line, though. Raised story questions and told a lot about relationships in this “family.”)
Steven mumbled the way people do when they’ve got a response prepared and you say (snip)
The chapter continued in this angry vein, which was understandable since this character is 19 and the single mother of the stepfather’s child. Interesting voice, strong character. Keep at it, Mary.
Comments, anyone?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,
- send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
- Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2009 Ray Rhamey
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