Friends, writers, lend me your fresh eyes.

Update: I have a guest post up on Writer Unboxed that's particularly relevant to what's going on here.

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I’m about to go asking for blurbs for one of my novels, and I’d sure appreciate your help in evaluating two things, one today, one in the next post. First up is the cover, front and back.

Here’s the scene

You’re strolling in the bookstore, and you see the book to the right:

Next, let’s assume that you did pick up the book, flipped it over, and found the following copy on the back cover.

We the Enemy is no ordinary thriller—it is not for everyone.

But it's about everyone—people who work hard to create good lives for themselves and their families. About you.

It's about Jake, an ex Secret Service agent whose emotions died then he lost his wife and child. Jake is a killer now, but the fates of many good people come to rest in his hands, on whether he can love again.

And Jewel, a single mother in the projects of Chicago, struggling against drugs and violence—and losing. She can change her life, but only if she opens to trusting. She will put Jake in a hellhole prison where the violent are sent to die.

The Alliance threatens the president's re-election, and Jake is hired to crush it. Patriots rally to stop the Alliance from taking away basic freedoms—and other patriots unite behind the hope it offers for a better life.

Death is on the hunt in We the Enemy, disguised as righteousness. But which are the enemies? Which are the victims?

We the Enemy is compelling suspense, but there’s more to this story. This thriller has a mission.

It will challenge the way you think about guns.
About justice. About prison. About the Fifth Amendment.

Beyond that, it will affirm your personal power to make life better.

Please leave a comment as to why you said yes or no to looking at the first page.

Next post, I’ll give you that first page and a chance to do a little flogging.

Many thanks for your help.

Ray

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Your generosity helps defray the cost of hosting FtQ.

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Michelle]

Definitely don't have time to read all the comments here, so sorry if I duplicate. Re: the cover, it may be the thumbnail, but it looks like a crappy illustration looking down the barrel of a gun -- better (and more terrifying) to have a really good photo. And the tri-color title doesn't appeal to me personally, though I understand the choice.

As to the description, let me say that I understand your motivation because I've read about this work on Writer Unboxed. But I think you're too in love with the message your book sends. Sometimes books make a reader really think -- I get that, and I love when a novel rocks my world. If you're soliciting blurbs, that is the perfect place for a "wow, I was blown away not only by the story but by the message."

I don't pick up a novel because I want to be challenged. I pick up a novel because the story interests me. I stick with a novel because the characters are intriguing.

I would make the cover copy more about the story:

Jake is an ex Secret Service agent whose emotions died WHEN he lost his wife and child. Now he is a killer-for-hire, and the fates of many good people rest in his hands.

Jewel is a single mother in the projects of Chicago, struggling against drugs and violence—and losing. She is the one who can save Jake from his personal hell, or put him in a prison where the violent are sent to die. (this is a little confusing - is this a literal prison or a figurative one?)

Jake is hired to immobilize The Alliance, a ___ that threatens the president's re-election. Death is on the hunt in We the Enemy, disguised as righteousness. But which are the enemies? Which are the victims?

We the Enemy is compelling suspense thriller that will challenge the way you think.
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FWIW, I'm a reader, not a writer. Just chiming in with my two cents. Best of luck, Ray!

[Richard Davies]

I think that the front cover is eye-catching. Certainly it should have people curious enough to pick up at least, bit pretentious having the gun pointed at the reader though...

The back page would have me put it down though. Sounds too much like a hardsell, pitched to an agent. Two words to keep in mind: simple and entice. There is far too much going on, it wheels from one thing to another, and little of it struck a chord with me. To give us something to care about, it should be about your protagonist, not how your story relates to me, or anyone else. Keep it linear, and you should hint at Jake's dark past rather than reveal it so early. As I say, entice.
There is a fair bit more that I could say but everyone else has beat me to it, I would strongly advise you listen to them.
Finally, your pitch for your WIP about the vampire cat would have easily got me turning pages. Perhaps it is something which is just easier to digest...

[bb]

Wow a vampire cat? I want to hear more!

[Liz P]

I had to vote no for both of these, unfortunately. The cover made me think of a military/political story (which it seems to be) and that's not normal genre to read.

I agree also that the "you" messages and the almost...preachy tone turned me off. Nothing about the back cover caught my interest as a reader that this is going to be something new, or different, or intriguing.

Instead, I got the vibe of being "told" what I should get out of this book, and a lot of politics and/or satire veiled under a fictional story.

Probably not what you had in mind, but that's the impression I was getting.

[mcd]

I would have picked up the book based on the cover. I find it strong and bold, and I didn't have a problem with it being pointed at the reader. That's part of what made it arresting.

I agree with the comments on the back cover copy, so I won't reiterate them here. I did like bb's suggestions, and would have turned to the first page to read it.

[Hayley E. Lavik]

I pretty much agree with the majority comments about the back cover copy, so I'll leave that to rest, but I thought I'd offer my two cents on the cover.

I wouldn't pick it up for a few reasons. For one, it's pretty hostile, as others have commented. For another, the title doesn't really draw me. The back cover is very us vs. them, but the title made me expect something more ambiguous.

The one thing I don't think anyone else has mentioned though, is that this is a strongly American oriented cover. Maybe other audiences don't matter beyond sales in the States, but the red/white/blue titling and the "we" the enemy just remind me that I'm not part of that "we". It's us vs. them, but I'm not part of the us, so it's just you vs. them, and I don't have a means of relating.

[Poisonguy]

I have to agree with the poster who suggested you only hint at Jake's dark past. And you may want to describe Jewel in a different way as well. I came out of the blurb thinking Jake was cliche (seems like the motivation for every good guy turned killer is death of wife and/or kids) and Jewel stereotype (ghetto = drugs and violence). I couldn't get past that. I wanted something that feels fresh.

And I have to re-iterate the "preachy" feel. Total turn-off to me.

It's unfortunate because when you look at some of the rewrites offered, with very little editing, this would sound like a kickass story I'd pick up. Would sound a little Barry Eisler-ish, even.

Oh, didn't care for the cover for the same reason as everyone else. Plus, gun covers are also cliche, IMO, and possibly too yesterday. It would be fine if the art went retro, went back to mimic the style of covers from 50's crime novels. But this one doesn't.

Good luck, Ray. Sorry for the bitching (I don't do tactful). Despite that, I'm sure I'll buy this baby.

[minervaK]

I like the cover, and would pick up the book to look at it. The back cover would make me put it down again.

I dislike 'message fiction' and that's how the blurb reads, to me. Aside from that, though, it doesn't really tell me much about the book; it's throwing around words like 'Alliance' and 'patriots' and 'freedoms' but doesn't really say much about how those terms are defined within the context of the story and the two characters named.

Cheers to you, though, for having the stones to let yourself be publicly flogged. Hope it helps.

[kathy]

No on both for me. I would pass right by on the cover. It looks like a book about anti-gun America, no thanks.
The back cover told a different story until I read the line
"It will challenge the way you think about guns.
About justice. About prison. About the Fifth Amendment."
This just smacked of "issue" type information.
I have read parts of your book and it seems to me it is a story.
Best of luck

[Richard Davies]

Based on what I know, or think I know about Ray...I'm getting the feeling that this is an experiment of some sort. Who knows? Maybe I think too much.