Friends, writers, lend me your fresh eyes.

Update: I have a guest post up on Writer Unboxed that's particularly relevant to what's going on here.

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I’m about to go asking for blurbs for one of my novels, and I’d sure appreciate your help in evaluating two things, one today, one in the next post. First up is the cover, front and back.

Here’s the scene

You’re strolling in the bookstore, and you see the book to the right:

Next, let’s assume that you did pick up the book, flipped it over, and found the following copy on the back cover.

We the Enemy is no ordinary thriller—it is not for everyone.

But it's about everyone—people who work hard to create good lives for themselves and their families. About you.

It's about Jake, an ex Secret Service agent whose emotions died then he lost his wife and child. Jake is a killer now, but the fates of many good people come to rest in his hands, on whether he can love again.

And Jewel, a single mother in the projects of Chicago, struggling against drugs and violence—and losing. She can change her life, but only if she opens to trusting. She will put Jake in a hellhole prison where the violent are sent to die.

The Alliance threatens the president's re-election, and Jake is hired to crush it. Patriots rally to stop the Alliance from taking away basic freedoms—and other patriots unite behind the hope it offers for a better life.

Death is on the hunt in We the Enemy, disguised as righteousness. But which are the enemies? Which are the victims?

We the Enemy is compelling suspense, but there’s more to this story. This thriller has a mission.

It will challenge the way you think about guns.
About justice. About prison. About the Fifth Amendment.

Beyond that, it will affirm your personal power to make life better.

Please leave a comment as to why you said yes or no to looking at the first page.

Next post, I’ll give you that first page and a chance to do a little flogging.

Many thanks for your help.

Ray

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Your generosity helps defray the cost of hosting FtQ.

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Cory]

I said no to both, I'm afraid. The cover doesn't work for me - it makes it look like non-fiction, in my opinion. The title is very loud, which might work if you had a different image, but as it is, the extreme close-up of the gun doesn't draw me. (It also looks a little sloppily done, which may just be because of the thumbnail; it's hard to tell.)

As for the back cover copy, it's rather preachy and melodramatic. The parts about it being about everyone, about me, about Jack's emotions dying, about everything hinging on whether he can love again... My honest reaction: eh. For some, it might work - for me, it didn't.

The part about Jewel sending Jack to prison came totally out of the blue for me. Why? And if he's in prison, how can he be hired later on? Does that come before? Or what?

The last part also didn't really grab me. That kind of praise and commentary seems like it should be part of a review, not the back cover.

Maybe I'm reading this too much like a query, but they're basically meant to do the same thing - entice someone to read further, give them a sense of the story. Instead, I'm annoyed at the melodrama and that people are trying to teach me a valuable lesson instead just giving me a good book to read, and I'm confused by the plot.

That's just my two cents. I hope it's helpful.

[Jessica]

I have to agree with Cory on a few points. Phrases like "it's about you," and "it will affirm your power to make life better" sound more like something I'd look for in a self-help or inspirational (read "religious") book, rather than a straight fiction book.

It sounds like an exciting plot with complex, interesting characters. So spotlight this. I'd start with this:

>The Alliance threatens the president's re-election, and Jake is hired to crush it.

This opens the questions: What is the Alliance? What do they want? Who is Jake? Who is hiring him? What are his qualifications for the job, and what obstacles stand in his way? (all of which should be answered succinctly in this segment).

The part about Jewel threw me, as well. You give her the classic "victim" setup (single mother, struggling against drugs and violence, inner city, etc.) and then suddenly she has the power to throw what I assume is the hero into prison? It just didn't seem consistent to me. It's good to introduce a second character, especially a contrasting one, in the back cover matter, but it needs to be clearer how their stories intersect.

I think this segment needs to decide what kind of book it's presenting: a thriller or an inspirational (religious/spiritual) story. These two categories aren't necessarily mutually exclusive (I'm thinking of the Left Behind books, which were very exciting and successful, both as inspirational stories and as works of fiction in their own right). However, they are contrasting categories, and aiming the pitch in both directions weakens the pitch in both directions. Hope that makes sense.

It sounds like an exciting story, and I'd really like to read it. Best of luck with it.

And thank you for all of your help to all of us over the years.

Jessica

[bb]

No “YOU” messages should be anywhere –and they are everywhere–on the back cover or inside. The reader may not share your philosophy. Let them and Trust them to have their own thoughts. (Or else, be writing a non-fiction or stand in line behind Ayne Rand.) And it is WAY preachy. You don’t want to come off as a militia-based writer or you will lose your readers. (If that’s your bent, let your CHARACTER(s) be the Militia and let them be sympathetic)

Try something like this (paraphrased and extrapolated from the copy):

When Jake, an ex-Secret Service agent loses his wife and child –in a _______(how did he lose his wife and child?)----he is in danger of being recruited as a hired political hitman _______(why does he want to become a killer? Was he morally banckrupt? I am starting to lose sympathy for him if he so easily becomes a killer. If he wants revenge, yes, but just to kill, no.)-----Then he meets Jewel, a fierce single mother (let’s not make her victimy) who holds his feet to the fire.
Forming an unexpected alliance, the two plot to expose a corrupt movement that has been rallying the people with false promises before it is too late and it takes over the government.

[bb]

Also, I see for the cover:

a strong family clinging to each other boldly, i.e. standing up to the corruption, chin in the air with conviction.

Not a gun pointed at me the reader. Yikes! But instead a family, strong man, strong woman,strong child, an "AMERICAN" family to be proud of, something I the reader can relate to and root for.

[bb]

Note: the above "cover description" would definitely NOT work for "We The Enemy" (or it might be VERY provocative,LOL) - but came to mind for a more pro-protagonist title.

For "We The Enemy" you might have a guy with campaign buttons on (i.e. obviously running for high political office) staring in a mirror obviously admiring himself and –in the mirror– having some monster staring,grinning back.

[Darcy]

The cover didn't work for me. It's provocative, but one-note and too focused on violence. I want to know a story with some subtlety and complexity is inside and I don't get that from that image.

I agree with the other posters about the back cover copy. I don't like being told how I'm going to feel after I read the book. I just want the same things I want in the first page, characters and story questions.

FWIW :)

[Liz]

I said no to the cover simply because it appeared typical of a genre that I don't normally read. It may not be a bad cover for that genre.

More specifically, I dislike that the pitch begins by connecting the book to normal people, but immediately continues with a secret service agent. That's not a normal job, nor does it foster a normal lifestyle as near as I am aware. I also suspect there's a typo in the secret service paragraph.

Honestly, the rest of it stopped mattering after those two points.

[Liz C]

It's not my preferred genre so I can't comment about the cover (although I chose 'no') but I do have to second other commenters' reservations about the backcopy. I'm not a fan of the 'you' message nor being told who the story is or isn't for. I just want to know what the story's about.

Also, I couldn't follow the blurbs about the characters. In Jake's paragraph, is 'then he lost' supposed to be 'when he lost'? Also, I could not decode the last sentence in Jake's paragraph.

How will Jewel to put Jake in prison? Is she a lawyer? I didn't get it. Also, the phrase 'she opens to trusting' doesn't seem to make sense.

I agree with the earlier commentor that the last three paragraphs/lines don't seem to belong as part of the copy. They feel more like reviews to me.

This sounds a lot harsher than I mean it to sound, but I can't seem to get the tone right and still get my point across. Sorry!

[GirlieGeek3152]

I'm not fond of the first sentence. The back is very wordy. I want to know about the people, Jake and Jewel. Not really interested in the conspiracy's from a back cover stand point. Hopefully it will be revealed in the story surrounding the characters. Sounds intriguing though.

[Justina]

I didn't care for the cover because it reminds me of those right wing commentary novels that bash everything and everyone but don't solve a single issue. All you need is Ann Coulter holding the gun.

Maybe that's why I also didn't care for the title, either.

And I have to agree with what most posters said about the back copy. I read it and was confused, not intrigued.

[Michelle]

Definitely don't have time to read all the comments here, so sorry if I duplicate. Re: the cover, it may be the thumbnail, but it looks like a crappy illustration looking down the barrel of a gun -- better (and more terrifying) to have a really good photo. And the tri-color title doesn't appeal to me personally, though I understand the choice.

As to the description, let me say that I understand your motivation because I've read about this work on Writer Unboxed. But I think you're too in love with the message your book sends. Sometimes books make a reader really think -- I get that, and I love when a novel rocks my world. If you're soliciting blurbs, that is the perfect place for a "wow, I was blown away not only by the story but by the message."

I don't pick up a novel because I want to be challenged. I pick up a novel because the story interests me. I stick with a novel because the characters are intriguing.

I would make the cover copy more about the story:

Jake is an ex Secret Service agent whose emotions died WHEN he lost his wife and child. Now he is a killer-for-hire, and the fates of many good people rest in his hands.

Jewel is a single mother in the projects of Chicago, struggling against drugs and violence—and losing. She is the one who can save Jake from his personal hell, or put him in a prison where the violent are sent to die. (this is a little confusing - is this a literal prison or a figurative one?)

Jake is hired to immobilize The Alliance, a ___ that threatens the president's re-election. Death is on the hunt in We the Enemy, disguised as righteousness. But which are the enemies? Which are the victims?

We the Enemy is compelling suspense thriller that will challenge the way you think.
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FWIW, I'm a reader, not a writer. Just chiming in with my two cents. Best of luck, Ray!

[Richard Davies]

I think that the front cover is eye-catching. Certainly it should have people curious enough to pick up at least, bit pretentious having the gun pointed at the reader though...

The back page would have me put it down though. Sounds too much like a hardsell, pitched to an agent. Two words to keep in mind: simple and entice. There is far too much going on, it wheels from one thing to another, and little of it struck a chord with me. To give us something to care about, it should be about your protagonist, not how your story relates to me, or anyone else. Keep it linear, and you should hint at Jake's dark past rather than reveal it so early. As I say, entice.
There is a fair bit more that I could say but everyone else has beat me to it, I would strongly advise you listen to them.
Finally, your pitch for your WIP about the vampire cat would have easily got me turning pages. Perhaps it is something which is just easier to digest...

[bb]

Wow a vampire cat? I want to hear more!

[Liz P]

I had to vote no for both of these, unfortunately. The cover made me think of a military/political story (which it seems to be) and that's not normal genre to read.

I agree also that the "you" messages and the almost...preachy tone turned me off. Nothing about the back cover caught my interest as a reader that this is going to be something new, or different, or intriguing.

Instead, I got the vibe of being "told" what I should get out of this book, and a lot of politics and/or satire veiled under a fictional story.

Probably not what you had in mind, but that's the impression I was getting.

[mcd]

I would have picked up the book based on the cover. I find it strong and bold, and I didn't have a problem with it being pointed at the reader. That's part of what made it arresting.

I agree with the comments on the back cover copy, so I won't reiterate them here. I did like bb's suggestions, and would have turned to the first page to read it.

[Hayley E. Lavik]

I pretty much agree with the majority comments about the back cover copy, so I'll leave that to rest, but I thought I'd offer my two cents on the cover.

I wouldn't pick it up for a few reasons. For one, it's pretty hostile, as others have commented. For another, the title doesn't really draw me. The back cover is very us vs. them, but the title made me expect something more ambiguous.

The one thing I don't think anyone else has mentioned though, is that this is a strongly American oriented cover. Maybe other audiences don't matter beyond sales in the States, but the red/white/blue titling and the "we" the enemy just remind me that I'm not part of that "we". It's us vs. them, but I'm not part of the us, so it's just you vs. them, and I don't have a means of relating.

[Poisonguy]

I have to agree with the poster who suggested you only hint at Jake's dark past. And you may want to describe Jewel in a different way as well. I came out of the blurb thinking Jake was cliche (seems like the motivation for every good guy turned killer is death of wife and/or kids) and Jewel stereotype (ghetto = drugs and violence). I couldn't get past that. I wanted something that feels fresh.

And I have to re-iterate the "preachy" feel. Total turn-off to me.

It's unfortunate because when you look at some of the rewrites offered, with very little editing, this would sound like a kickass story I'd pick up. Would sound a little Barry Eisler-ish, even.

Oh, didn't care for the cover for the same reason as everyone else. Plus, gun covers are also cliche, IMO, and possibly too yesterday. It would be fine if the art went retro, went back to mimic the style of covers from 50's crime novels. But this one doesn't.

Good luck, Ray. Sorry for the bitching (I don't do tactful). Despite that, I'm sure I'll buy this baby.

[minervaK]

I like the cover, and would pick up the book to look at it. The back cover would make me put it down again.

I dislike 'message fiction' and that's how the blurb reads, to me. Aside from that, though, it doesn't really tell me much about the book; it's throwing around words like 'Alliance' and 'patriots' and 'freedoms' but doesn't really say much about how those terms are defined within the context of the story and the two characters named.

Cheers to you, though, for having the stones to let yourself be publicly flogged. Hope it helps.

[kathy]

No on both for me. I would pass right by on the cover. It looks like a book about anti-gun America, no thanks.
The back cover told a different story until I read the line
"It will challenge the way you think about guns.
About justice. About prison. About the Fifth Amendment."
This just smacked of "issue" type information.
I have read parts of your book and it seems to me it is a story.
Best of luck

[Richard Davies]

Based on what I know, or think I know about Ray...I'm getting the feeling that this is an experiment of some sort. Who knows? Maybe I think too much.

[Ray Rhamey]

It's not an experiment. I just needed fresh eyes.

[Kathy]

"Beyond that, it will affirm your personal power to make life better."

This, to me, was a turn off. I'm normally skeptical, so I won't believe this unless proven. And I'm not intrigued by the premise. So, sorry, no sale here.

P.S. I thought you were done with this book? Are you going to rewrite and print it again?