Well, I asked for it. And you gave it to me. Your fresh eyes have opened mine about the appeal—or lack thereof—of the copy I presented for my novel in the last post. Many thanks.
I wasn’t going to do this
Mercenary JAKE BLACK is trapped in an emotionless fugue after the killing of his wife and daughter. He is purposeless, adrift—and a deadly gun for hire.
In Chicago, gangbangers swagger on downtown sidewalks at noontime, guns on display, and a cop openly sells a killer drug. JEWEL WASHINGTON, a single mother and legal secretary, struggles for dignity and safety—and is losing the fight.
In Washington, KURT DENGLER, the president’s chief of staff, fears losing the election because the Alliance, a citizen group in the Pacific Northwest, is shrinking the president’s support there.
Reforms in Oregon initiated by Alliance leader NOAH STONE have virtually eliminated lethal firearms and closed the take-the-Fifth loophole criminals use to dodge conviction. But Kurt and Attorney General MARION SMITH-TAYLOR see the Alliance-led initiatives as assaults on the U.S. Constitution that must be stopped.
When the president orders Kurt and Marion to take Noah Stone of the election picture, Jake gets the job. Then the lives of he and Jewel intertwine when they join the Alliance in Oregon—Jake to stop it, Jewel to find a better life. They collide with mores and laws that challenge everything they are.
After Jake uses an illegal firearm to save Noah Stone from a gunman, he lands in a hellhole prison where he must surrender to mind-altering surgery or die. Unable to buy into the Alliance’s credo, Jewel is on a path to lose the new life she’s making for her daughter.
Then an assassin attacks to destroy the movement that could be the hope of the nation. And its only chance to survive lies with Jake Black.
Okay, here’s that first page
Free e-book of We the EnemyKurt Dengler aimed his grandfather’s Colt .45 automatic at Noah Stone’s photo and cocked the hammer.
Stone smiled up at the Colt’s muzzle from a Time Magazine cover; the headline read, “Pied Piper of the West.”
Kurt squeezed the trigger, the firing pin clicked on the empty chamber, and there was no hole in the enemy’s forehead.
Like Daddy used to say, if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.
Kurt used his cell phone to call the number only he, the First Lady, and the Secret Service had. The president’s gravelly voice said, “Hey, Kurt.”
“We need to talk about a threat that needs to go away, Mr. President.”
Leo Grant chuckled. “You’re my chief of staff, why don’t you see if you can work you in?”
Not in the Oval Office, not with all those microphones. “Remember when we were kids, talkin’ about running away?”
“Got it. The garden. Now’s good.”
Kurt hung the .45 on its pegs at the bottom of his grandfather’s plaque. Beneath a Bronze Star medal, a brass plate read, “Major Jefferson T. Dengler.” Grandad hadn’t made it home from World War II, but his heroism and his sidearm had. Kurt used his tie to polish away (snip)
For the next week (through next Friday), I’ll email a PDF copy of the complete novel, We the Enemy, to people who request it. However, it’s not totally free.
Well, it won’t cost you any money, no matter what, and I can’t make you, once the PDF is in your hands, give me feedback. But I hope that you will.
At the end of the book I’ve added a page with 4 questions and a task. Here they are:
- What are your thoughts and feelings about this book?
- How would you describe it to a friend?
- Do you have any thoughts on who the book is for, the right audience(s) and why they’d be interested?
- What would make a good blurb for the book cover?
- Please write a brief review of We the Enemy.
All I ask is that you send me your responses.
I can tell you this—most people think it’s a good read. If you want to help out (and have a good read), please email me at ray at editorrr dot com.
Regular flogging will resume on Monday.
For what it’s worth,
Ray
Public floggings available. If I can post it here,
- send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
- Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2009 Ray Rhamey
I assumed from the flap copy that Jake Black is the main character. That doesn't click with the introduction of Kurt Dengler on the first page. The blurb was confusing enough and I felt even more lost as soon as I started reading the first page. I suggest that you create a clear segue from blurb to text--a brief summary that focuses on the protagonist and his most pressing conflict, and then introduce him on the first page. This may sound formulaic, but it works. If you're trying to break in with your first published novel, I suggest you stick with proven methods for giving the reader a clear indication of who to root for.
I also wouldn't use all caps to introduce a grocery list of characters. I know some people advocate this when writing a synopsis, but whether or not you agree, your blurb shouldn't read like a synopsis.
Just for grins, take a look at the back cover of a Vince Flynn paperback (for example) and you'll find a short paragraph or two that sums up the hero's dilemma and that's it, you're ready to go.
Posted by: John | July 17, 2009 at 10:29 PM
Hi Ray,
I would love to send you my first chapter, but unfortunately due to configuration problems on my laptop my email account doesn't open properly when I click your "email me" hotlink button. Can you pls post your email address so I can type it in and send you my chapter. In the meantime I will review your first page and let you know what I think.
Thanks,
Posted by: Camille | July 19, 2009 at 11:44 AM