Well, I asked for it. And you gave it to me. Your fresh eyes have opened mine about the appeal—or lack thereof—of the copy I presented for my novel in the last post. Many thanks.
I wasn’t going to do this
Mercenary JAKE BLACK is trapped in an emotionless fugue after the killing of his wife and daughter. He is purposeless, adrift—and a deadly gun for hire.
In Chicago, gangbangers swagger on downtown sidewalks at noontime, guns on display, and a cop openly sells a killer drug. JEWEL WASHINGTON, a single mother and legal secretary, struggles for dignity and safety—and is losing the fight.
In Washington, KURT DENGLER, the president’s chief of staff, fears losing the election because the Alliance, a citizen group in the Pacific Northwest, is shrinking the president’s support there.
Reforms in Oregon initiated by Alliance leader NOAH STONE have virtually eliminated lethal firearms and closed the take-the-Fifth loophole criminals use to dodge conviction. But Kurt and Attorney General MARION SMITH-TAYLOR see the Alliance-led initiatives as assaults on the U.S. Constitution that must be stopped.
When the president orders Kurt and Marion to take Noah Stone of the election picture, Jake gets the job. Then the lives of he and Jewel intertwine when they join the Alliance in Oregon—Jake to stop it, Jewel to find a better life. They collide with mores and laws that challenge everything they are.
After Jake uses an illegal firearm to save Noah Stone from a gunman, he lands in a hellhole prison where he must surrender to mind-altering surgery or die. Unable to buy into the Alliance’s credo, Jewel is on a path to lose the new life she’s making for her daughter.
Then an assassin attacks to destroy the movement that could be the hope of the nation. And its only chance to survive lies with Jake Black.
Okay, here’s that first page
Free e-book of We the EnemyKurt Dengler aimed his grandfather’s Colt .45 automatic at Noah Stone’s photo and cocked the hammer.
Stone smiled up at the Colt’s muzzle from a Time Magazine cover; the headline read, “Pied Piper of the West.”
Kurt squeezed the trigger, the firing pin clicked on the empty chamber, and there was no hole in the enemy’s forehead.
Like Daddy used to say, if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.
Kurt used his cell phone to call the number only he, the First Lady, and the Secret Service had. The president’s gravelly voice said, “Hey, Kurt.”
“We need to talk about a threat that needs to go away, Mr. President.”
Leo Grant chuckled. “You’re my chief of staff, why don’t you see if you can work you in?”
Not in the Oval Office, not with all those microphones. “Remember when we were kids, talkin’ about running away?”
“Got it. The garden. Now’s good.”
Kurt hung the .45 on its pegs at the bottom of his grandfather’s plaque. Beneath a Bronze Star medal, a brass plate read, “Major Jefferson T. Dengler.” Grandad hadn’t made it home from World War II, but his heroism and his sidearm had. Kurt used his tie to polish away (snip)
For the next week (through next Friday), I’ll email a PDF copy of the complete novel, We the Enemy, to people who request it. However, it’s not totally free.
Well, it won’t cost you any money, no matter what, and I can’t make you, once the PDF is in your hands, give me feedback. But I hope that you will.
At the end of the book I’ve added a page with 4 questions and a task. Here they are:
- What are your thoughts and feelings about this book?
- How would you describe it to a friend?
- Do you have any thoughts on who the book is for, the right audience(s) and why they’d be interested?
- What would make a good blurb for the book cover?
- Please write a brief review of We the Enemy.
All I ask is that you send me your responses.
I can tell you this—most people think it’s a good read. If you want to help out (and have a good read), please email me at ray at editorrr dot com.
Regular flogging will resume on Monday.
For what it’s worth,
Ray
Public floggings available. If I can post it here,
- send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
- Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2009 Ray Rhamey
Hi Ray,
You sure have courage.
The back copy is way too long and way too complicated. I also can't relate or care about the protagonist. I need something that will hook me into the protagonist in the copy and connect him to the female and their cause.
Instead, I get a bunch of unrelated character introductions. You lose me instantly. I want a single paragraph or 250 words tops. And, boy oh boy, that is so hard to do with your own novel and ironically so clear when looking at someone else's.
Another issue I have is that the names are so stereotyped: mercenary Jake Black, single (black?) woman, Jewel Washington, (Jake and Jewel?), Kurt Dengler, Noah Stone. Maybe that's your intention, but I feel like I stepped back in time to some hard boiled crime story with names like these.
On to the first page:
Wait a minute, I need a pen and paper to get all the characters straight. Kurt, Noah, Daddy (? This bit––a saying Daddy used to use––seems like it's out of the blue here especially.),Kurt, First Lady, The President,Leo Grant, Major Jefferson T. Dengler and their various positions and in the same 16 lines, going from first name to last name on the characters. My head is spinning.I can't even follow the action because I'm so buy trying to figure out who is who.
What I'd REALLY like is to meet the protagonist and relate to him and cement him in my mind.
Also, I am suspicious that this Kurt Dengler character is off his rocker playing with his grandaddy's gun and cocking it and HE has the direct line to the President???
Again, maybe that's your intention, but I am getting a lot of information that makes no sense to me at this point.
I also get the sense that there is a really interesting story here too. So I hope you will take my comments with their intention to give you the feedback you so bravely requested that might contribute to making your blurb and first page work better.
Hope this is helpful and not hurtful.
Posted by: bb | July 17, 2009 at 06:57 AM
The first page was fine. Didn't you also have a different begining with the death of his wife and child?
The new cover is MUCH better, but I think it might be giving away too much of the story line.
Good luck!
Posted by: kathy | July 17, 2009 at 07:16 AM
I found the first half of the inner flap matter clear and engaging. However, the whole thing introduces so much information, that I got lost and had to keep going back to check "now, who is this? what do they want?" I would stop after the fourth paragraph. But this is a serious improvement over the back cover material.
I thought that the first page was excellent, though my mind was thinking "Jake" instead of "Kurt," probably from having been primed by the earlier blurb. The writing was crisp and clear, and the setup made me want more.
I would very much like an e-copy, and will review it to the best of my ability.
Posted by: Jessica | July 17, 2009 at 07:35 AM
The back flap is a huge improvement, but, like others have mentioned, it is too detailed. You must have read many back sleeves...What was it about them that had you going to the first page? If the reader hasn't got the gist in about four paragraphs, no amount of extra detail will persuade them. I mentioned in a previous comment about 'enticing' the reader. Give tidbits of info, those main catalysts of your story, and you will have people going to the first page.
The first page was a big YES from me. Importantly, whilst at the same time it raises story questions, it also shows your protagonists' character, which is something, at times, lacking in your stories in order to favour action. Actually it introduces quite a few different elements all at the same time. I don't know how anyone could avoid turning the page. Kudos.
Posted by: Richard Davies | July 17, 2009 at 07:55 AM
Leo Grant chuckled. “You’re my chief of staff, why don’t you see if you can work you in?”
What does Leo find funny about his Chief of Staff wanting to get rid of an enemy?
If either one of them is worried about wire taps, then this part (italicized) of the sentence is bizarre. “Got it. The garden. Now’s good.”
You're going to let whoever listens to these tapes KNOW where you're meeting to discuss things you don't want them to hear? Also - If he's talking to the President - then I assume "the garden" is the rose garden @ the White House. But you've also referred to childhood. Does this mean the Prez grew up in D.C. - in the White House? Or are you telling us they always met in "some garden" when they were kids. And if that's the case, how would they know which garden to meet at now, as adults, in D.C.?
The beggars/horses line is a nice piece of history, but I'm not sure how it ties into the paragraph before or after. I get that Kurt wishes Noah would go away. Maybe it's because we've now got Grandpa & Daddy in the opening scene with Kurt - and it's just a little crowded.
However, I'd turn the page - to see why the President named this "loose wire" his Chief of Staff.
Posted by: Mit | July 17, 2009 at 10:05 AM
This isn't my genre of choice, so I'll keep my comments to what I can say with certainty. As others have mentioned, I find the back cover copy too long and complicated. It started off nice, and then a few too many characters popped up. Personally I prefer more emphasis on the main character, so I'd rather meet the others later.
Also a line-edit nitpick of the first sentence from the back: Mercenary JAKE BLACK is trapped in an emotionless fugue after the killing of his wife and daughter. Your own craft posts here at FtQ talk about trimming excess 'of's and this is one I think can go. 'The killing of his wife and daughter' sounds long and roundabout to me. If it's a murder, just "his wife and daughter's murder" sounds fine. If it's a tragic accident, likewise. I assume this phrasing came about because the murderer's identity is unknown? I nitpick at it because I started reading the paragraph a little fast and slipped right over the little words, so to me it read, "trapped in an emotionless fugue after killing his wife and daughter." Not the sort of mistake you want to allow for :)
As for the first page, I would like to get a better sense of this main character so I can tell why I'll be reading and rooting for him. I feel like I'm skimming the surface of his pov aside from the internal comment about his Daddy's saying and such. This guy feels like he could be akin to the old hard-boiled detectives, so it makes me want that strong, bitter voice.
Otherwise, I can't really piece together the conflict or main tension from this. The back cover copy gives me a sense of what's going on, but it's not reasonable to assume anyone would read that first, so I'm left a little in the dark as to why he hates someone on Time magazine enough to shoot his photo. The act itself does strike me as a little odd, as another commenter mentioned. I don't necessarily think it means Kurt is mentally unhinged. To me it feels like it's an action done for the 'viewer' rather than done within the character's life. It's like the badass first shot of a movie to impress the viewer, that doesn't quite feel like it's really something the character would do. Skipping to the actual meeting between the two of them might yield more tension, as then he has the legitimate fear of being overheard, and we'll be wondering who might be listening in.
Posted by: Hayley E. Lavik | July 17, 2009 at 11:20 AM
Though this is better than the back cover copy, it still didn't grab me. Jewel and Jake both sound like the same cliche characters in most action thrillers. The bad boy merc that is changed by love. *shrug*
The first page was interesting, but there was a lot of information packed in that threw me off, and I was expecting to start with Jake and had to back up to figure out who in the world was Kurt.
I also agree about the "garden" line. If they don't want to be overheard, why say directly where they're headed? Might as write a memo and pass it out. :)
Posted by: Liz P | July 17, 2009 at 02:35 PM
Just a note:
My husband has a pickle over the current use of the backwater expression: "Hey" when addressing others. He said he couldn't imagine a President using that term.
But, for what it's worth, this term will pass out of favor as all trendy greeting terms do and using it will also eventually make the novel dated.
Posted by: bb | July 17, 2009 at 03:29 PM
On "hey:" I respectively disagree, especially if a character is an older person who comes from the Southwest, as this man does. And "Hey" as a greeting is hardly trendy--I'm ancient, and it was current when I was a boy.
Posted by: Ray Rhamey | July 17, 2009 at 03:35 PM
I personally don't mind it as much as my husband, but I do defer to his educational etiquette. He is amongst the most educated people I know (as are most presidents.)
He just pointed it out to me because he thought it might be helpful and he found it a crude salutation (almost like "What's Up," Name) when people started beginning e-mail and other letters with "Hey Name!" as opposed to "Dear Name."
My own experience with "hey" is that it just wasn't used with me until the last couple of years. Now it seems everywhere ––quite like 4 as opposed to "for" or other slangish prompts.
My husband did say it was an old saying, but very barefoot in the pea patches that has "come back" as a trend sort of thing lately.
Posted by: bb | July 17, 2009 at 04:45 PM
I assumed from the flap copy that Jake Black is the main character. That doesn't click with the introduction of Kurt Dengler on the first page. The blurb was confusing enough and I felt even more lost as soon as I started reading the first page. I suggest that you create a clear segue from blurb to text--a brief summary that focuses on the protagonist and his most pressing conflict, and then introduce him on the first page. This may sound formulaic, but it works. If you're trying to break in with your first published novel, I suggest you stick with proven methods for giving the reader a clear indication of who to root for.
I also wouldn't use all caps to introduce a grocery list of characters. I know some people advocate this when writing a synopsis, but whether or not you agree, your blurb shouldn't read like a synopsis.
Just for grins, take a look at the back cover of a Vince Flynn paperback (for example) and you'll find a short paragraph or two that sums up the hero's dilemma and that's it, you're ready to go.
Posted by: John | July 17, 2009 at 10:29 PM
Hi Ray,
I would love to send you my first chapter, but unfortunately due to configuration problems on my laptop my email account doesn't open properly when I click your "email me" hotlink button. Can you pls post your email address so I can type it in and send you my chapter. In the meantime I will review your first page and let you know what I think.
Thanks,
Posted by: Camille | July 19, 2009 at 11:44 AM