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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.
Sarah’s first 16 lines.
Story questions kept me engagedHe wrapped his arms around me and held on tight. We hit branches and rocks that jutted out from the side of the cliff. Our screams tangled with the rushing wind. I focused on the changing colors behind my closed lids, not willing to know the exact moment of our death.
The fall didn’t last long. I had just enough time to take a deep breath when we sliced through the twisted surface.
He still held me, pulling me up with him. My ankles ached and my lungs caught on fire. The man swam hard with the current, tugging me along.
After what seemed like an eternity of fighting to stay afloat, the man had us to the rocky shore of the raging river. We lay intertwined with one another for some time, both trying to catch our breath.
Finally, the man asked, “Is anything broken?”
I lifted my head off his shoulder and looked into his large, milk chocolate eyes. “Um, I’m not sure. You?”
He slowly started moving his rock hard body beneath me. “I don’t believe so. But do you mind getting off so I can make sure?”
I fought back an embarrassed smile. I rolled to my side, wincing at the pain that racked (snip)
I was curious about who these people were, what had happened to send them off a cliff, and what would happen next. Good job of opening with an action scene. But there were some distractions (for me) in the narrative. Notes:
He wrapped his arms around me and held on tight. We hit branches and rocks that jutted out from the side of the cliff. Our screams tangled with the rushing wind. I focused on the changing colors behind my closed lids, not willing to know the exact moment of our death.
The fall didn’t last long. I had just enough time to take a deep breath when we sliced through the twisted surface. (Here’s an inconsistency that pulled me out of the story: in the paragraph before, she has her eyes closed because she doesn’t want to know the moment of death. But in this paragraph, she knows she has just enough time to take a breath, which implies that she can see the surface coming up. Also, I think it would help to say something like “the river’s surface” to give us a picture, which “the twisted surface” doesn’t.)
He still held me, pulling me up with him. My ankles ached and my lungs caught on fire. The man swam hard with the current, tugging me along.
After what seemed like an eternity of fighting to stay afloat, the man had us to the rocky shore of the raging river. We lay intertwined with one another for some time, both trying to catch our breath. (“raging river” feels like a bit of a cliché to me)
Finally, the man asked, “Is anything broken?”
I lifted my head off his shoulder and looked into his large, milk chocolate eyes. “Um, I’m not sure. You?” (The description, “large, milk-chocolate eyes,” took me out of the story because it seem so unlikely and inappropriate that she would be thinking in this way. They just had a death-defying fall, she’s in pain, they’re just barely alive, and she’s thinking about “milk-chocolate” eyes? It didn’t fit the mood of the scene, and was terribly distracting. Work this in later.)
He slowly started moving his rock hard body beneath me. “I don’t believe so. But do you mind getting off so I can make sure?” (I have the same problem with the description, “rock-hard body.” Who would be thinking such things at a time like this? And we learn later that somebody was shooting them, a friend was killed in front of her, and someone is after them to kill them. So at a time like this she’s thinking “rock hard?” These two descriptions fractured the credibility of this character and this narrative for me. I felt it was the author sticking things that were inappropriate into the character’s mind.)
I fought back an embarrassed smile. I rolled to my side, wincing at the pain that racked (snip)
There is good work here, so keep at it. But I suggest that you get out of your author’s head (which slips in milk-chocolate eyes and rock hard bodies) and into your character’s, which would be feeling frightened and hurt. For example, would she really, knowing that people were shooting at them, allow herself to lie there for a second longer than she has to? Also, the shooting part would be good to work into this first page narrative.
Comments, anyone?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,
- send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
- Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2009 Ray Rhamey
much better.
good rewrite.
(only thing I didn't like was the word "tangled" -seemed too gushy.)
At this point, I would read on.
Posted by: cb | July 03, 2009 at 02:31 PM
Definitely better in terms of clarity, but the reactions still are off for me.
Consider: she's running for her life, presumably prepared to jump off a cliff rather than face whatever's behind her. She'll be going fast, but she'll still have enough time to note *something* about the man. And she'll want to--at least enough to know whether he's an innocent bystander who should be running in his own right, or another permutation of the Big Bad.
If it's the former she'll be startled when he snakes out an arm to grab her. (I can't envision him wrapping her in his arms, given the pace.) If it's the latter, she'd probably swerve to avoid him.
Either way, if she has any spine, she should be giving him a royal ass-whooping right about now. :)
"Getting into Character" by Brandilyn Collins is a book that might help you slow it down a little. Good luck!
Posted by: hope101 | July 03, 2009 at 02:54 PM
Any takes on this new start?
I took off in a dead sprint. My heart racing to the point of pain. My Doc Martin combat boots seemed to weigh a ton, slowing me down. The thick air, full of moister, made breathing difficult.
I had to get away .
A man a few inches taller than me stood at the edge of the clearing, and I screamed,
“Run!”
He looked behind him, then back at me.
“Run!” I yelled again, but either he was deaf or stupid. Crazy woman yelling run at me when she looks like she’s in a race for her life, I’m sure gonna run.
He just stood there, staring at me. He yelled something back, but I couldn’t make out what he was saying. Damn, maybe he only spoke Portuguese.
When I neared, he reached out, possibly to stop me. I darted to the side, instantly wishing I hadn’t. He grabbed my arm and we went over a cliff, hitting branches and rocks that jutted out from the side of the mountain.
Our screams tangled with the rushing water below.
Posted by: Sarah Jensen | July 09, 2009 at 12:49 AM