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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.
Sarah’s first 16 lines.
Story questions kept me engagedHe wrapped his arms around me and held on tight. We hit branches and rocks that jutted out from the side of the cliff. Our screams tangled with the rushing wind. I focused on the changing colors behind my closed lids, not willing to know the exact moment of our death.
The fall didn’t last long. I had just enough time to take a deep breath when we sliced through the twisted surface.
He still held me, pulling me up with him. My ankles ached and my lungs caught on fire. The man swam hard with the current, tugging me along.
After what seemed like an eternity of fighting to stay afloat, the man had us to the rocky shore of the raging river. We lay intertwined with one another for some time, both trying to catch our breath.
Finally, the man asked, “Is anything broken?”
I lifted my head off his shoulder and looked into his large, milk chocolate eyes. “Um, I’m not sure. You?”
He slowly started moving his rock hard body beneath me. “I don’t believe so. But do you mind getting off so I can make sure?”
I fought back an embarrassed smile. I rolled to my side, wincing at the pain that racked (snip)
I was curious about who these people were, what had happened to send them off a cliff, and what would happen next. Good job of opening with an action scene. But there were some distractions (for me) in the narrative. Notes:
He wrapped his arms around me and held on tight. We hit branches and rocks that jutted out from the side of the cliff. Our screams tangled with the rushing wind. I focused on the changing colors behind my closed lids, not willing to know the exact moment of our death.
The fall didn’t last long. I had just enough time to take a deep breath when we sliced through the twisted surface. (Here’s an inconsistency that pulled me out of the story: in the paragraph before, she has her eyes closed because she doesn’t want to know the moment of death. But in this paragraph, she knows she has just enough time to take a breath, which implies that she can see the surface coming up. Also, I think it would help to say something like “the river’s surface” to give us a picture, which “the twisted surface” doesn’t.)
He still held me, pulling me up with him. My ankles ached and my lungs caught on fire. The man swam hard with the current, tugging me along.
After what seemed like an eternity of fighting to stay afloat, the man had us to the rocky shore of the raging river. We lay intertwined with one another for some time, both trying to catch our breath. (“raging river” feels like a bit of a cliché to me)
Finally, the man asked, “Is anything broken?”
I lifted my head off his shoulder and looked into his large, milk chocolate eyes. “Um, I’m not sure. You?” (The description, “large, milk-chocolate eyes,” took me out of the story because it seem so unlikely and inappropriate that she would be thinking in this way. They just had a death-defying fall, she’s in pain, they’re just barely alive, and she’s thinking about “milk-chocolate” eyes? It didn’t fit the mood of the scene, and was terribly distracting. Work this in later.)
He slowly started moving his rock hard body beneath me. “I don’t believe so. But do you mind getting off so I can make sure?” (I have the same problem with the description, “rock-hard body.” Who would be thinking such things at a time like this? And we learn later that somebody was shooting them, a friend was killed in front of her, and someone is after them to kill them. So at a time like this she’s thinking “rock hard?” These two descriptions fractured the credibility of this character and this narrative for me. I felt it was the author sticking things that were inappropriate into the character’s mind.)
I fought back an embarrassed smile. I rolled to my side, wincing at the pain that racked (snip)
There is good work here, so keep at it. But I suggest that you get out of your author’s head (which slips in milk-chocolate eyes and rock hard bodies) and into your character’s, which would be feeling frightened and hurt. For example, would she really, knowing that people were shooting at them, allow herself to lie there for a second longer than she has to? Also, the shooting part would be good to work into this first page narrative.
Comments, anyone?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
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- send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
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© 2009 Ray Rhamey
I voted not to turn the page. I thought the writing was basically clean and I was left with a general confidence in the author, but it was too contained for me. There was a beginning and an end to the tension, with nothing left over that was compelling enough for me to turn the page. I either need something to show that they are still in fairly immediate danger or something character-wise to indicate our hero and heroine are not generic romance characters. "Milk-chocolate eyes" and "rock-hard body" and their general politeness really put me off in that regard. Keep at it! A few minor changes would have gotten the page turned by me.
Posted by: Darcy | July 01, 2009 at 07:53 AM
I turned because of the mostly-clean writing and the story questions, but I got snagged at the exact same points as Ray did. In fact, when I read "milk-chocolate" I started to wonder if I'd misunderstood the genre and this was a parody, because it seemed so inconsistent with the moment's intensity.
I'd also suggest that you name the hero and that you watch your heroine's passivity. So far she's been sheltered in his arms while screaming, saved from drowning and reacts to a gentle taunt with missish embarrassment. I have no problem with her character arc involving discovering her strength, but I'll need to see some evidence of that potential pretty soon.
Keep going, though. A good crit group could help you polish this and get some good stuff.
Posted by: hope101 | July 01, 2009 at 09:01 AM
I had to read the first few sentences a couple of times to figure out they were falling. The opening had no tension whatsoever - it just confused me. I would suggest mentioning right away that they were falling thing right away. I agree with Ray's call on the description of the hunky guy. Not a good place to be thinking about that kind of stuff, if you know what I mean.
Posted by: Liz C | July 01, 2009 at 09:54 AM
Apologies for the incoherent comment - got interrupted by a phone call and didn't proofread.
I did mean to say that the opening held no tension *for me*. I would suggest mentioning right away that they were falling.
(slinking away now....)
Posted by: Liz C | July 01, 2009 at 09:57 AM
I had the same problems as Ray, however turned the page. I believe you were trying to introduce a romantic element into your story, but much too soon. Keep it simple to begin with, confusing the reader can be all too easy. Otherwise, nice clean writing and a good voice. Thumbs up from me.
Posted by: Richard Davies | July 01, 2009 at 10:06 AM
I also had the exact same problems as Ray. With his corrections,I might have kept reading. But the "chocolate eyes" and "the rock hard body" made me turn away.
Also, the tone seemed off to me.
I think if the character was WAY angry at the guy it would be spot on. He just grabbed her and jumped off a cliff. Then they are under water. She's trying to save her own life here. "Let go of me, you $##^&!!!" Would be more in keeping and bring all sorts of additional tension into the scene.
Posted by: bc | July 01, 2009 at 10:33 AM
Thanks all. I am almost finished with this novel, so will be editing soon. I'm sure once I read it, I'll feel the same way. :)
And you are right, first drafts, for me anyway, are usually filled with cliches and descriptions that are not right for a scene. I'll describe him in more romantic settings that way, and take it out of the tension filled beginning, and Liz C, don't slink away, I think it does need work on the tension, and we all have moments of not proofreading our comments. ;)
Anyway, thanks again, I'm going to copy all the comments and add them to my edits.
Sarah :)
Posted by: Sarah Jensen | July 01, 2009 at 12:25 PM
I agree with all that has been said. One other very minor thing: I would not have written, "the man had us over to the rocky shore..." I might have written "swam us over", or "dragged us over". Those are not ideal alternatives, but, I just thought that since the characters were in the water, it was awkward with "had us over".
Posted by: Forest | July 02, 2009 at 01:58 PM
I agree with everything said so far too. I would like to add that since the heroine thought they were falling toward certain death, I was under the impression they were going to hit rocks. Like Ray, I was confused by the surface (didn't register as water) and I thought I was thrown into some sort of spellcasting moment where someone was manipulating solid ground. Somewhere, very early, I need a clue that they were falling toward ... a lake? River? Puddle? in order to visualize the scene so I don't invent something that isn't there. I do know that they can die just as easily/horribly hitting water from a great height, and the impact would be ferocious, so there's no sense of safety provided the height is established, at least not for me.
Milk chocolate, btw, is a pretty pale, cold brown, and, er, milky. That threw me out not so much because it's cliche' or anything, but because the color in my mind was so bizarre for an eye color I again had to wonder if I was reading a fantasy and that these were non-humans.
Somewhere in here I'd like to see the heroine at least try to save herself. For example, there's really no reason why she can't help swim, is there? Or maybe even break free of him and swim on her own. Unless he's inhuman, or she is, or both, btw, they're going to be carried downstream at a pretty fast clip as they swim. A rushing current is faster than most people can swim against, and it would be foolhardy to try. He'd be swimming for shore, but shore would constantly change, and it's anyone's guess what's further downstream--it's a really dangerous situation and I see a lot of potential for more tension when that's conveyed.
I hope this helps!
Posted by: Kami | July 02, 2009 at 02:42 PM
Okay, the help has been tremendous! Thanks all!
So, I've done some editing on it. What do y'all think of this?
I took off in a dead sprint for the cliff. No looking back now.
A man stood at the edge, and when I neared, he wrapped his arms around me, possibly to stop me, and we went over. We hit branches and rocks that jutted out from the side of the mountain. Our screams tangled with the rushing water below.
The fall didn’t last long. I had just enough time to take a deep breath when we sliced through the twisted river’s surface.
He held on, pulling me up with him. My ankles ached and my lungs caught fire. He swam hard with the current, tugging me along. I pushed against him to free myself, but he grabbed for me.
“Let go,” I tried to say, but sucked in a lung-full of water.
He pulled at my hair and I relented, letting him and the river carry us further downstream. Away from the real danger.
After what seemed like an eternity of fighting to stay afloat, he dragged us to the rocky shore. With barely enough energy to breathe I lay intertwined with him for some time.
Finally, he asked, “Is anything broken?”
I lifted my head from his shoulder and looked into his large brown eyes. “Um, not sure. You?”
Slowly, he moved beneath me. “Don’t think so. But do you mind getting off so I can make sure?”
Posted by: Sarah Jensen | July 02, 2009 at 10:44 PM
much better.
good rewrite.
(only thing I didn't like was the word "tangled" -seemed too gushy.)
At this point, I would read on.
Posted by: cb | July 03, 2009 at 02:31 PM
Definitely better in terms of clarity, but the reactions still are off for me.
Consider: she's running for her life, presumably prepared to jump off a cliff rather than face whatever's behind her. She'll be going fast, but she'll still have enough time to note *something* about the man. And she'll want to--at least enough to know whether he's an innocent bystander who should be running in his own right, or another permutation of the Big Bad.
If it's the former she'll be startled when he snakes out an arm to grab her. (I can't envision him wrapping her in his arms, given the pace.) If it's the latter, she'd probably swerve to avoid him.
Either way, if she has any spine, she should be giving him a royal ass-whooping right about now. :)
"Getting into Character" by Brandilyn Collins is a book that might help you slow it down a little. Good luck!
Posted by: hope101 | July 03, 2009 at 02:54 PM
Any takes on this new start?
I took off in a dead sprint. My heart racing to the point of pain. My Doc Martin combat boots seemed to weigh a ton, slowing me down. The thick air, full of moister, made breathing difficult.
I had to get away .
A man a few inches taller than me stood at the edge of the clearing, and I screamed,
“Run!”
He looked behind him, then back at me.
“Run!” I yelled again, but either he was deaf or stupid. Crazy woman yelling run at me when she looks like she’s in a race for her life, I’m sure gonna run.
He just stood there, staring at me. He yelled something back, but I couldn’t make out what he was saying. Damn, maybe he only spoke Portuguese.
When I neared, he reached out, possibly to stop me. I darted to the side, instantly wishing I hadn’t. He grabbed my arm and we went over a cliff, hitting branches and rocks that jutted out from the side of the mountain.
Our screams tangled with the rushing water below.
Posted by: Sarah Jensen | July 09, 2009 at 12:49 AM