Flogometer for Richard, but first a free read offer

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Okay, one more pass at this cover blurb attempt. Tell me in comments if this is likely to move you to look at the first page of the novel.

Death is on the hunt in We the Enemy, disguised as righteousness. But which are the enemies? Which are the victims?

Kurt Dengler, the president’s chief of staff, fears losing the election because the Alliance, a citizen group in the Pacific Northwest, is shrinking the president’s support. Worse, Alliance-led initiatives are assaults on the U.S. Constitution that must be stopped.

Kurt taps mercenary Jake Black to stop the Alliance leader. Jake’s emotions died then his wife and child were killed, and now he’s a gun for hire—yet he wakes every morning with tears on his face, and each kill sickens him.

Jewel Washington, a single mother in the projects of Chicago, struggles against drugs and violence—and is losing. She puts Jake in a hellhole prison where the violent are sent to die, but she is the key to making Jake a whole man again.

When a last deadly attack threatens to destroy the Alliance, a movement that could be the hope of the nation, its only chance to survive lies with the man hired to stop it— the fates of many good people rest on what Jake decides when his hands close around the throat of the assassin.

Now for the free read offer.

For the next week (through next Friday), I’ll email a PDF copy of the complete novel, We the Enemy, to people who request it -- in return, I ask for feedback. I can tell you that most people think it’s a good read. If you want to help out (and have a good read), please email me at ray at editorrr dot com.

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Richard’s first 16 lines:

Sniff, armed only with a bowl of stew and a lantern, stepped into the dungeon and prayed it would be the last time.

Rats and other things, scuttled here and there, or scampered out of the way as he moved on. Sniff paid no attention to them, his dull eyed gaze fixed on the stone floor just ahead of his bare feet.

His jaw worked, ground his teeth to keep in a hiss of frustration as the Captain’s words echoed in his mind, ‘Feeding time Sniff, be a good lad won’t you? Oh, and mind your fingers!’

The Captain. That bastard.

Sniff passed empty prison cells. The doors, left open, revealed increasingly macabre sights. A skeleton shackled and hung from a wall, a torturer’s rack encrusted with dried body fluid, the occasional, rotting corpse of a prisoner. He ignored them all.

He supposed he could eat the stew himself, claim it had been delivered like he had the first two nights. But the Captain had fixed him with a gaze as stubborn and foreboding as a storm, and Sniff knew the Captain was on to him. No, there would be no turning back this time.

Oh gods! Be asleep for pity’s sake.

Sniff spotted the twin doors just up ahead, and when he reached them, let slip a sharp breath that steamed against the chill. They were stout, made from oak, with a large wooden slab across the (snip)

Despite appeals, I didn’t move on
The opening sentence was one of my favorites in the recent contest, and I like opening with a scene in this way. So what got in my way? Craft issues. Issues that a “regular” reader might not notice, but ones that not only did I notice, but bothered me. And the same would be true, I believe, with many agents and publishing editors.

These days, manuscripts have to be a polished as possible, with one caveat: if the story is so rippingly compelling that little blemishes don’t get in the way. This opening didn’t reach that level for me. Some notes:

Sniff, armed only with a bowl of stew and a lantern, stepped into the dungeon and prayed it would be the last time. (I loved this opening line.)

Rats and other things, scuttled here and there, or scampered out of the way as he moved on. Sniff paid no attention to them, his dull eyed gaze fixed on the stone floor just ahead of his bare feet. (“other things” means nothing, so I trimmed to get to the essence of this description. Since we’re in Sniff’s point of view, he would hardly be thinking of his gaze as “dull-eyed,” so I cut that minor point-of-view glitch.)

His jaw worked, grounding his teeth to keep in a hiss of frustration as the Captain’s words echoed in his mind, ‘Feeding time Sniff, be a good lad won’t you? Oh, and mind your fingers!’

The Captain. That bastard. (I felt that this slowed the pace and drained a little tension about what awaits Sniff. This isn’t an important detail for this scene, IMO.)

Sniff passed empty prison cells. The open doors, left open, revealed a increasingly macabre sights. A skeleton shackled and hung from a wall, a torturer’s rack encrusted with dried body fluid, the occasional, rotting corpse of a prisoner. He ignored them all. (A good bit of scene-setting, but I thought it could use the above clarifying and pacing edits. "increasingly macabre sights" is telling, not showing.)

He supposed he could eat the stew himself, claim it had been delivered like he had the first two nights. But the Captain had fixed him with a gaze as stubborn and foreboding as a storm, and Sniff knew the Captain was on to him. No, there would be no turning back this time. (This paragraph has a clarity issue, due to sentence construction, that was a problem. I think this is meant to say that Sniff had eaten the food on the previous two occasions, but it actually says that the stew was delivered the first two nights. For example: He could eat the stew himself, like he had the first two nights, and then claim he had delivered it.)

Oh gods! Be asleep for pity’s sake.

Sniff spotted the twin doors just up ahead, and when he reached them, let slip a sharp breath that steamed against the chill. They were stout, made from oak, with a large wooden slab across the (snip) (The twin doors of what? He’s in a dungeon, and we know that there are cell doors. Are these different? This is unclear. Also, this description could be tighter, i.e. A wooden slab barricaded the stout oak doors. . .etc.)

There’s plenty of promise here, but some work to be done. There are occasional clarity issues (a later description of the feeding opening in the door was confusing), and I think the action could/should be tighter. Keep at it, Richard, you have fresh, interesting characters and a fascinating world. Just immerse us in it more quickly, and more vividly.

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. Email: email 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[bb]

Ray,
This is very awkward. The sentence structure is awkward. The storytelling is awkward. I recommend starting with the protagonist and why we should care about him. (i.e., Did he "save the cat?")

Richard,
"Sniff" is a difficult name. Sounds like a dog.
It really throws me out of the story. If I reread inserting "John" in place of Sniff, I am more likely to follow. "John" (or generic name signifying male, human) tells me he is a guy. I'm afraid I'm not sure at all what "Sniff" is.

[Jeanne Tomlin]

I have to disagree with starting with whether he saved a cat. That wouldn't keep me reading. Being interested in what's down in the dungeon *might* IF the issues of clarity are solved. I do agree that we need to know about Sniff. What or who is he? Human? Boy? Man? Why "dull-eyed gaze"? That was a big stopper for me as were the craft issues that Ray pointed out.

Also if he regularly goes into the dungeon, I'm not sure he'd notice all the stuff behind the open doors although they are good scene setting. But at the end of the page, I hadn't been caught up in the character at all.

One of the things I do occasionally to remind myself how to write a truly GREAT opening is to re-read the opening paragraph of George RR Martin's A Game of Thrones. Ok, THAT, my friends, is how you do it--if you are as good as Martin is.

[Kami]

The first thing that threw me in this opening was "He ignored them all" after describing all the sights. If he had some sort of reaction that would make me like him, I'd definitely read on. I think with some clarification and tightening, this could really work well.

[hope101 (Jan)]

Ray, I'm sorry, but this blurb doesn't work for me either. I don't understand what the Alliance is doing that is so awful, I don't understand why the Chief of Staff is involved and not the President, and I don't understand how Jewel gets pulled into the conflict. I agree with bb. You'd probably do better to tell the story from the POV of your protagonist alone.

Richard, I said I would turn the page because of my intrigue in what Sniff is facing. But I just wanted you to know that he's not coming across as particularly sympathetic to me. (He's withholding food from someone or something that's probably in worse shape than he, and sounds self-pitying wrt the captain.) As long as he remains fascinating, that's okay, but you're walking a bit of a tightrope.

[bb]

I wanted to add, Richard, that AFTER the reading––with Ray's expert editing which really made excellent sense to me in studying your piece––that I followed along much better (even though I still stand by my confusion over the name). It seems like you would work very productively with an editor. (Wouldn't we all!)

[Queen of Darkness]

Death, disguised as righteousness, is on the hunt, but which are the enemies and which are the victims?

The Alliance of Citizens is not only causing the President of the United States to lose support in the upcoming election, but they are leading an assault on the U.S. Constitution itself.

It must be stopped. And mercenary Jake Black is the gun for hire sent to do the job.

Jake is a man with a past. When his wife and child were killed, his emotions seemed to die with them, but his deadly aim survived.

Now in a hellhole prison where the violent are sent to die, Jake's future role in the battle against the Alliance depends on a single mother who is slowly losing her struggle against drugs and violence in the projects of Chicago.

When a deadly attack threatens to destroy the Alliance, its only chance to survive lies with the man hired to stop it...

...and when the time comes to decide the fate of the assassin, Jake will be forced to decide the ultimate truth...

...are We the Enemy?

[Liz P]

The new blurb didn't work for me still. It was better, but not enough. Still a lot of information and character names, none of which I can really emphasize with.

However...the rewritten blurb just above me. Queen of Darkness's suggestions. That one worked. It caught my interest and made sense to me--with just the one name for me to focus on and start to sympathize with.

[Justina]

I agree, the QofD's blurbs was gripping and made me want to read the book. Plus, it was a lot shorter.

Richard, I would have turned the page because this felt like a fantasy to me and I wanted to know what was behind the wooden door. However, I'm not sure I would keep reading once I knew. Like someone else said, Sniff isn't a very sympathetic character.

[Darcy]

This We the Enemy rewrite stills seems too choppy to me. Maybe because it's trying to cover too much ground?

I was very entertained by Richard's first page, though I agree with Ray's revisions. I wouldn't stop reading because the character wasn't sympathetic. As long as he's got a lot of personality and/or makes me chuckle I'll continue. After all, if he starts out not-so-nice, it gives him somewhere to go from here. I suspect that whatever or whoever's behind that door may be our main character anyway. I would really like to know what's behind the door that would cause such fear.

[Richard Davies]

Thank you everyone for your comments. I agree with Ray's revisions as well, gets to the point where I just can't edit anymore, need fresh eyes.
Well done to Darcy, great intuition about the characters. Spooky actually.
I never thought of Sniff as unsympathetic, but agree that's how he comes across. I find it strange that, for some, a sympathetic character is more compelling. This will give me something to ponder going forward.

Ray, huge improvement. Certainly much closer, but again needs work. Having read your novel (and doing so again before I review) I'd say there is too much detail on the back flap. It seems to me that you wish to give a clear picture what the whole book is about. We, the readers, don't need to know so much. Keep it in your protagonists' POV. Plus a persistent typo in the third paragraph is a put off: 'Jake's emotions died then his wife and child were killed' - It should be 'when.' Small mistake but it takes you right out.

Thanks again.