Flogometer for Mary—would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Mary’s first 16 lines.

“Haven’t you thrown yourself under the buss yet?”

“If I commit suicide you get nothing out of that fancy insurance policy you got.”

You learn a lot about people when the man with no arms, donation trays strapped to his shoulders, trolls through the buss station. Some people look them right at them, others walk way, some look at their feet. A few give them money. I’m the kind of person who gives them everything I got, my whole paycheck, even when it means going hungry. Who am I to complain, I have my arms. I make an exception to my generosity when it comes to my step father.

My step dad’s the kind of man who wonders why the guy doesn’t throw himself under a buss. Now he’s got diabetes. He’s always had the shit, least since he married my mother when I was twelve and introduced me to mattress polo. He just had his arm amputated.

“As long as you’re dead, I’m happy.”

“What the fuck you want.”

“Where’s my mother.”

“If you called to ask her for money, she’s gonna say no.”

“Cus if she don’t she gets acquainted with your fist, blah, blah, blah. I need money for a hearse.”

Steven mumbled the way people do when they’ve got a response prepared and you say (snip)

The conflict took me to the next page
This opening drips with conflict. Despite some things that I think ought to be done, I was curious enough to know what happened next to turn the page. Some notes:

Haven’t you thrown yourself under the bus buss yet?” (Even though this character turns out to sound not well educated, misspelling a word in her dialogue isn’t a good idea.)

“If I commit suicide you get nothing out of that fancy insurance policy you got.” (Somewhere around here it would be helpful to set the scene, just a little. Readers need context in which to see characters act. Just dialogue or, as here, dialogue and interior monologue, leaves us wondering. We don’t even know the gender or name of this person. I skimmed the chapter and never did see a name—that’s a lack you should correct. Setting the scene and including a name doesn’t have to take a lot of time. For example, what if here it read something like: I batted a fly away and stared out the torn screen door. My stepfather said, “If I commit suicide, you get nothing out of that fancy insurance policy you got, Suz.” Or something. Anything to give us a picture.)

You learn a lot about people when the man with no arms, donation trays strapped to his shoulders, trolls through the buss station. Some people look them right at them, others walk way, some look at their feet. A few give them money. I’m the kind of person who gives them everything I got, my whole paycheck, even when it means going hungry. Who am I to complain, I have my arms. I make an exception to my generosity when it comes to my stepfather step father.

My stepdad’s step dad’s the kind of man who wonders why the guy doesn’t throw himself under a bus buss. Now he’s got diabetes. He’s always had the shit, least since he married my mother when I was twelve and introduced me to mattress polo. He just had his arm amputated.

“As long as you’re dead, I’m happy.”

“What the fuck you want?” (It’s not a bad idea to use question marks at the ends of questions.)

“Where’s my mother?”

“If you called to ask her for money, she’s gonna say no.”

“’Cus if she don’t she gets acquainted with your fist, blah, blah, blah. I need money for a hearse.” (Shortened words like “cus” for “because” are helped with an apostrophe to indicate that there’s something missing. Good, provocative line, though. Raised story questions and told a lot about relationships in this “family.”)

Steven mumbled the way people do when they’ve got a response prepared and you say (snip)

The chapter continued in this angry vein, which was understandable since this character is 19 and the single mother of the stepfather’s child. Interesting voice, strong character. Keep at it, Mary.

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Jeanne Tomlin]

I voted yet, but just barely. There was enough tension for me to give the writer a "little" more time. But so far all she's given me about this young woman is that she's angry. And the armless thing just seemed to come out of nowhwere and then disappear. I am assuming it was supposed to show that she was generous, but it was too detached to quite work.

I think it does need some more work, as Ray pointed out. It also has something going for it.

[cb]

I got lost a lot here, so I agree with Ray, some context would help me. Without it, I am scanning for who is talking, what is going on , setting, character understanding/motivation, etc.

The tension is definitely there. Almost too much (for me–know your readers) but probably pitch perfect.
Where this is not the kind of story I am interested in (too much violence and/or disturbing material for my taste,but I understand that there is an audience for this too), I still voted Yes and read on. The tension was too compelling.

This writer seems to have a lot of promise in that they grab you by the throat and take you, willingly or not.

[Kami]

I voted no. I was confused about where I was, but even if I wasn't confused about the setting, I was confused about the characters and that killed it for me. It took me several go-throughs and clues from Ray to figure out who has no arms, who has one arm, or who's talking.

I saw no reason to care about the pov character. The 'whole paycheck' generosity didn't seem realistic, so it came off as a lie, a line. Whether she's not being honest with herself or is being an unreliable narrator to the audience, it was interesting, but not a plus toward her character. I saw no other pluses on the page that would make me want to follow her through a whole story.

I didn't see the tension Ray saw either. There are two people arguing about throwing oneself under a bus. I don't believe anyone is seriously contemplating it, so where are the stakes? He's already lost his arm, so no tension in the "about to lose his arm" department.

I hope this helps!

[Liz C]

I got lost too. I thought they were in a bus station.

[Sheila]

There's a phrase for when unattached dialog that starts a story, isn't there? Anyway, I remember hearing that it's a bad thing to do, probably for the reason others have mentioned - we don't know who's talking to whom or where.

I read this twice, because I didn't understand the segue from dialog to the bit about the homeless guy, and then back to dialog. I ended up imagining the first person on the phone to the second, while watching the homeless guy make his way through the crowd.

I would have stopped reading very early, though. Bus is misspelled three times. And you have a singular-plural problem in paragraph 3 - the "the man with no arms" is singular, but then you say - "a few give them money" - it should be "a few give him money." "Who am I to complain" should have a question mark.

But I have to say, if this opening were a little more clear, I would read on. There's something appealing about an abuse victim coming into her own and confronting her abuser.

Good luck!

[Sheila]

Apologies, I had to post in a rush. My first sentence shouldn't have a "that." I don't blame anyone for not reading a critique by a person who can't write a sentence correctly.

[Richard Davies]

I got it, but it is muddled. Definitely too many typos. Proof before you submit. The first two pieces of dialogue, I believe, should go above the other lines of dialogue, after the two main paras. That way there is no confusion attached with the 'man with no arms' and it will flow better.
I also realise that you are trying to contrast the feelings the character has for someone in need, and to her hated stepfather, even though they have something in common.
It seems that most people would have difficulty in realising that distinction, so I'd advise you make that clearer. Not much point in saying something if it isn't said right.
Otherwise I liked it. Thumbs up from me.

[Mary]

"Proof read!" the author exclaims, falling to her knees. "That's just brilliant."

Seriously though, thanks for all of your insights. I'll use your suggestions to improve this.