Flogometer for Justina plus a free e-book offer

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Free e-book offer.
For the next week (through next Friday), I’ll email a PDF copy of the complete novel, We the Enemy, to people who request it-- in return, I ask for feedback. I can tell you that most people think it’s a good read. If you want to help out (and have a good read), please email me at ray at editorrr dot com.

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Justina’s first 16 lines:

The red letters of the Quik Stop sign reflected onto the hood of the minivan, the tails of the rain drops distorting the view through the windshield. I scanned aimlessly through the channels on the radio while my mom finished up inside of the mini mart, wondering what was taking her so long. She was usually in and out in minutes.

I turned around as my younger sister, Claire, kicked my seat once again. I gave her my fiercest glare. "Dammit, Claire, knock it off.”

"What's taking her so long?" Claire whined, and it took everything I had not to smack her. Claire's voice was an ice pick straight through my skull. I’d been having these weird headaches all week, and today’s was the worst one yet. My head throbbed in time with the radio tuner, alternating between a quick pop beat and a slow R&B grind. Either way, it was painful. I didn’t have a whole lot of patience.

"I don't know. But quit kicking my seat before I come back there and kick you.

"But I have to pee, Abby." The whimper ratcheted up another range and I gave up looking for something to listen to on the radio.

“Hold it.”

“I can’t,” Claire moaned, sounding close to tears. I sighed and gave in. My headache (snip)

This opening didn’t catch me, but . . .
Despite opening with a scene and good writing, plus a dash of tension, I wasn’t moved to move on. I guess domestic strife between two sisters just wasn’t compelling.

But this story has much more to offer on the following pages—bodies, soul collecting, other cool paranormal stuff. I think this writer cheated herself with a little too much detail in the opening. If just three lines could be trimmed from this, then the last line on the page would have been this:

“Mom told us to stay here until she was done Reaping.”

That’s a much better hook and story-question-raiser than whether or not Claire is going to get to pee. Notes:

The red letters of the Quik Stop sign reflected onto the hood of the minivan, the tails of the rain drops distorting the view through the windshield. I scanned aimlessly through the radio channels on the radio while my mom finished up Reaping inside of the mini mart, wondering what was taking her so long. She was usually in and out in minutes. (Here’s a chance to raise the story question “what is Reaping with the mysterious capitalization?” right up front. This word signals to me that something unusual is going on instead of just shopping. And we don’t really need the rain.)

I turned around when as my younger sister, Claire, kicked my seat once again. I gave her my fiercest glare. "Dammit, Claire, knock it off.”

"What's taking her so long?" "But I have to pee, Abby," Claire whined, and it took everything I had not to smack her. Claire's voice was an ice pick straight through my skull. I’d been having these weird headaches all week, and today’s was the worst one yet. My head throbbed in time with the radio tuner, alternating between a quick pop beat and a slow R&B grind. Either way, it was painful. I didn’t have a whole lot of patience.(The last sentence is “telling” and not needed as her behavior is showing us her lack of patience. While the throbbing is nice, we really don’t need it, and there are more interesting things ahead.)

"I don't know. But quit kicking my seat before I come back there and kick you.

"But I have to pee, Abby." The whimper ratcheted up another range and I gave up looking for something to listen to on the radio. (While these lines move the story, a little, and characterize, they slow the pace and focus on stuff that doesn’t matter much. We have the essence of the situation, let’s get to the story.)

“Hold it.”

“I can’t,” Claire moaned, sounding close to tears. I sighed and gave in. My headache (snip)

Here’s what the first page could have been with these cuts (plus a whole lot more). This jumps us ahead to a paragraph later in the narrative:

The red letters of the Quik Stop sign reflected onto the hood of the minivan. I scanned radio channels while my mom finished Reaping inside the mini mart, wondering what was taking her so long. She was usually in and out in minutes.

I turned around when my younger sister, Claire, kicked my seat again. I gave her my fiercest glare. "Dammit, Claire, knock it off.”

"But I have to pee, Abby," Claire whined, and it took everything I had not to smack her. Claire's voice was an ice pick straight through my skull. I’d been having these weird headaches all week, and today’s was the worst one yet.

“Hold it.”

“I can’t,” Claire moaned, sounding close to tears. I sighed and gave in.

Inside, I scanned the store for the bathrooms, and saw a handwritten sign proclaiming "Restrooms are for customers ONLY!" on a back wall. I looked down and put a hand on Claire’s arm. Her nose scrunched up and I paused to lift her over the pool of blood spreading from the dead man lying in the chip aisle. The metallic scent made my stomach sour and my headache pound in triple time.

In the narrative, Abby doesn’t react much at all at finding this body, or another one, and the line about “metallic scent” helps take us there—her first reaction isn’t fright or horror, it’s about the smell, one that she seems familiar with.

For me, Justina, you had nice writing but enough scene setting and “throat clearing” to slow the story unnecessarily before getting to some really interesting stuff. Think about it.

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. Email: email 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Eden Tyler]

I voted to turn the page the first time, as well as the second. What intrigued me was the headaches--I didn't see it as just a scene between two sisters.
Maybe this is because I write fantasy, so I was able to sense that's what was in store if I did turn the page. I wanted to know what lay ahead.
The writing was definitely good, although I completely agree with Ray's edits. Pretty much what he changed (except for what I was unaware of) is what I was mentally changing while reading.
I'd be interested to read more of this!

[Kami]

The writing was solid, and I probably would have read onward, but it was a near thing. I prefer characters I can sympathize with and I had a tough time sympathizing with Abby. I could understand being impatient, but taking it out on her little sister--now taking it out on the mom would have made her more sympathetic to me.

The Reaping was a huge red flag. I immediately thought Dead Like Me fanfic and if it had been in this opening I would have voted no. Even if it isn't a fanfic, that's the impression I would have gotten and I would need a lot more prep that showed me how this is radically different enough that it wouldn't stomp on existing copyrights.

[lexi Revellian]

I much preferred the second version.

Justina has a word echo problem - 'through' and 'scanned', each used twice on the first page.

Autocrit (an editing website) is helpful if, like me, you sometimes don't see them.

[hope101]

I'm like Eden, in that I read enough UF and paranormal romance to have the headaches appear as a red flag for me right away. Also, the dialogue between the sisters was natural and the voice very consistent with YA fiction. I would have turned the first page for those reasons.

However, I do agree that Ray's edits bring in more urgent story questions and ramp up the tension right away.

[Justina]

Thanks everyone for your helpful comments, and thanks Ray for the very helpful flogging.

Lexi~ I will definitely take a look at autocrit, as the word echo is defnitely a problem I have. Thanks for the suggestion.

Hope and Eden~ Thanks for the positive reinforcement, good to know fans of the genre like it so far.

Kami~ Your concerns are duly noted. By then end of the chapter, though, I think any suspicions of this being fanfic would be put aside, as the way Death works in the book is very different than the concept behind shows like Dead Like Me.