Flogometer for Jeanne—would you turn the page?

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Call for submissions The queue of writers in line for a good flogging is down to a couple of weeks, so if you’d like a critique of your opening on FtQ, just follow the directions below and send yours in.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Jeanne’s first 16 lines of a prologue.

July 1304

Bishop Lamberton grasped his squire, James Douglas, by a shoulder, pushing him toward the open doors at the end of the long, high-arched hall. James twisted out of Lamberton's grasp and whirled to face him. A youth of sixteen, dark-eyed and slender as a knife, James flushed with anger.

“I won’t swear fealty to him."

Lamberton sighed. For a normally obedient lad, he was being amazingly difficult. Recovering James’ land and titles would put a good piece on the board, and it wasn’t as though James later breaking his oath couldn’t be forgiven. "James, do you want your lands back? Your father's title?"

James drew himself up. "You know I do. I must have them.” He shoved shaking fingers through the black tumble of his hair and spit his words out like poison, "My people need me, and it's where I belong. I've sworn to get back what was stolen from my father -- a sacred oath."

"Then you must bend a knee to King Edward."

The lad looked around the entrance of Stirling Castle, the last Scottish Castle to have resisted and captured only two days ago by the English king. It reeked of smoke. Lamberton (snip)

I turned this page
Even though labeled “Prologue,” I think this is really the first chapter of this story (the first chapter begins only a month later with James as the POV character). Whatever the label, it read like a good first chapter—starts with a scene, has tension and creates story questions.

A part of the appeal here is high-quality writing and the storyteller’s clear, professional voice. You feel like you can trust this writer to deliver a story. It’s not easy to nitpick this one. Notes:

July 1304

Bishop Lamberton grasped his squire, James Douglas, by a shoulder, pushing him toward the open doors at the end of the long, high-arched hall. James twisted out of Lamberton's grasp and whirled to face him. A youth of sixteen, dark-eyed and slender as a knife, James flushed with anger. (Because “long” is a relative term, it doesn’t do us much good here—I think the description would read just as well without it.)

“I won’t swear fealty to him."

Lamberton sighed. For a normally obedient lad, he was being amazingly difficult. Recovering James’ land and titles would put a good piece on the board, and it wasn’t as though James later breaking his oath couldn’t be forgiven. "James, do you want your lands back? Your father's title?"

James drew himself up. "You know I do. I must have them.” He shoved shaking fingers through the black tumble of his hair and spit his words out like poison, "My people need me, and it's where I belong. I've sworn to get back what was stolen from my father -- a sacred oath." (Can’t tell you exactly why spitting his words out like poison caught my eye and thus took me a little out of the story. It might be that it should be “as if they were poison.” And it seems like an over-used phrase, if not a cliché. Maybe it’s that these words, about his people needing him and a sacred oath shouldn’t really be poison to the lad—the idea of swearing fealty to Edward would be poisonous, but not his obligation to his people.)

"Then you must bend a knee to King Edward."

The lad looked around the entrance of Stirling Castle, the last Scottish castle Castle to resist, have resistedand captured only two days ago by the English king. It reeked of smoke. Lamberton (snip) (I think you can do better with this description than “looked around.” Using some of the text that follows where I cut this, it could be more active. For example: James scowled at the fire-blackened beams overhead and the hole blasted in the west wall. The reek of smoke still filled Stirling Castle, the last Scottish castle…etc.)

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Richard Davies]

A difficult one for me. I like the way you've brought in only a little backstory through the scene, makes it more digestible.
You have also introduced the characters, and provided some good insight into their personalities, with plenty of conflict in the mix.
However, for me, there is not enough tension in the scene. I would suggest answering this question early on: What will happen if he does not bend a knee to King Edward? Personally, that would make me turn the page, because although you would answer a story question, a whole bunch of others would spring up.

[Kathy]

I was a bit confused if the bishop or the boy was the POV character. Also this sentence:

"Recovering James’ land and titles would put a good piece on the board, and it wasn’t as though James later breaking his oath couldn’t be forgiven." made no sense to me.

But that could be because I don't read a lot of historical fiction.

Otherwise, good writing.

[BD]

Well, I certainly and eagerly turned the page.

This time (having fun with the exercise), I looked for my "edits" before I read further –just to see how alike or different they were.

For what it's worth, the changes I noted were not necessary, but they were:

I would have "named" the second character in a subsequent sentence, not two characters in one.
For example:

" Bishop Lamberton grasped the struggling youth by a shoulder, pushing him toward the open doors at the end of the long, high-arched hall. The boy, James Douglas, was the Bishop's squire, but he twisted out of Lamberton's grasp and whirled to face his master. Although he was just a youth of sixteen,and slender as a knife, he was defiant. Glaring with dark-eyes, James flushed with anger. "

Anyway, my own preference is to take in one name at a time so I can anchor the characters in my mind.

In the second paragraph: I might have taken out "normally" and "amazingly"

so that it read:

" For an obedient lad, he was being difficult. "

However, I also see it works with those words and adds information, so I am probably wrong on that inclination.

Finally, " and spit his words out like poison, " bothered me.

But these are just picky details. Without even these changes (which I still don't know were needed at ALL) I loved the character. What a gutsy headstrong kid. I wanted to see what he would do next.

Hope that was helpful! Keep writing!!!

[brutal]

This is pretty good. I do have a few nits.

“A youth of sixteen, dark-eyed and slender as a knife, James flushed with anger.” This threw me off. You’ve dropped the subject James at the end. On face value this sentence appears to state he’s angry because he’s sixteen and young. If he were thirty would he have less reason to be angry? I don’t think so, not in this situation.

When the sentence is flipped, James flushed with anger, dark-eyed and slender as a knife, a youth of sixteen, the structural problems become clear. The fix for this is easy: James , a youth of sixteen, dark-eyed and slender as a knife, twisted out of Lamberton's grasp. He whirled to face the Bishop, flushed with anger.

“Recovering James’ land and titles would put a good piece on the board, and it wasn’t as though James later breaking his oath couldn’t be forgiven.”

This is another sentence that’s hard to understand. Partly, because the pov isn’t clear. Also “a good piece on the board,” is vague. The verb later is out of place. It could apply to James, breaking, or oath.
Again the fix is easy: Recovering James’ land and titles would go a long way in positioning him for the throne. After he became (court jester, King, High Supreme Reverent father) James could be forgiven for breaking his oath.

“James drew himself up,” is a great dialogue tag. It works hard, telling us he’s a little cocky, pretending to be brave, and young.

Despite being good description-“He shoved shaking fingers through the black tumble of his hair and spit his words out like poison”- weighs down the dialogue by over describing what the character is doing. When I was reading this I started imagining the words and the kid and then the little movie was interrupted this long list of actions. It wasn’t what I had imagined at all, I had to read it several times, and then I had to go back and change the images in my head to match the text.

Remember people's minds fill in the blanks automatically. One of the reason's dialogue is so hard, is because people start imaging how the words are being said. If the words and the tags don't match, the dialogue doesn't feel real. If there is too much the reader can't form a picture in their head. Sometimes less is more.

[John]

The previous post by brutal offers up some to the best advice I've read on any of these exercises. Examining your sentences for their face value is extremely important. That's how your readers are going to see them, especially when reading them for the first time. Along with the examples already addressed, I was bothered by the first two sentences of paragraph 4: "Lamberton sighed. For a normally obedient lad, he was being amazingly difficult." At face value, "he" refers to "Lamberton".

It's all about the writing. Don't worry so much about the big hook in the first 16 lines. Strong writing (or the lack thereof) that shows that you know what you're doing is the first thing an agent or editor will notice. I can tell you from first-hand experience that a submission written like the one we're discussing will come back from an editor defiled by more red ink than you can imagine.

[JRTomlin]

John, although I'm sorry that you think the piece lacks strong writing, I will give your suggestions and brutal's consideration. However, I did not think what my editor did on my last novel being defiled.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to read and to comment. I'll check back for further comments. Any feedback can be helpful.

[Kami]

I saw some tiny bits of awkwardness but otherwise this opening worked for me. I thought brutal's observations revealed some of that awkwardness, so I don't think I'll go into any detail about sentences myself.

I liked that the language has a period feel without becoming inaccessible.

I glitched on was spitting words out like poison--the words didn't have the bite I expected from such a description. They sounded in my mind, due to the content, more determined than angry or hateful (anger and hate being the emotions I associate with spitting and poison.)

Nice work.

[JRTomlin]

The spitting out poison was what I refer to as an "editing artifact." Before I changed what James said it made sense, and I didn't think to change the tag. Thanks to everyone who has pointed it out to me. Yes, that very much needs to be changed.

I knew what the "piece on the board" meant--I was think of chess. Obviously, it doesn't work. I want to show that Lamberton's motives are not straightforward here. He has no intention that James become a good vassal to King Edward. I'll have to work on that.

Thanks again for the feedback.

[John]

Jeanne, I didn't mean to say your piece lacks strong writing. I agree with brutal's assessment that minor tweaks could make it better and hoped you'd take my comments in that light. My reference to strong writing was only a general statement regarding agents, editors, etc. Sorry if I was being over dramatic.

[JRTomlin]

John, I do appreciate your comments. I have made a couple of tweaks using the suggestions I've received, including yours. You're right that in the end what sells our work is strong writing.

I didn't necessarily agree with all of the suggestions but they all made me look more closely at my work. That can only be to the good. So thanks and I do realize that your suggestions were only intended to help.