FtQ is on the road and the promised wireless Internet on Monday didn’t deliver, thus no post. I’m traveling to do my workshop at the Mendocino Coast Writers Conference. I’ll do my best to maintain my regular MWF flogging and posting schedule. So here’s Monday on Tuesday.
Eddie has sent a prologue and first chapter. Which, if either or both, compels you to turn the page? Here are the first 16 lines of the prologue:
And now the first 16 lines from chapter one:This is a story of simple curiosity and how that my curiosity ended me in jail.
It’s amazing how time stands still when your looking down at a defining moment. Your head starts to feel dizzy and you don’t feel like you’re in your own body anymore. It’s that mixture of weightlessness in your legs and your head feeling so light that if it wasn’t securely fastened it would just lift off and float away.
When the police opened that holdall and I looked down at the blocks of £20 notes neatly stacked I knew I had a tough time coming trying to convince them I wasn’t involved with the robbery. It didn’t help matters that a minute beforehand Bell tried to jump out the taxi and run away or the fact he left the bag of money on the cab floor as he decided to try and outrun the local constabulary.
I don’t know where he thought he would get to. Even in my disoriented state I could see more than 3 police cars and a team of officers surrounding us. I think he get about 6 steps away from the door when he was rugby tackled and sent crashing to the pavement.
As I started to get a hold of my bearings and get a grasp on what was happening I couldn’t help but smirk. Not in a cocky, “you’ll never catch me alive coppers” way (snip)
For me, a “no” and an “almost”“Been busy tonight driver?” Bell jokingly asks as jumps into the back of my cab. But even I can see he’s visibly panicking and using humour to break the ice. He’s got a sheen of sweat all over his face and he’s looking all over and around. And so he should be after taking part in a bank robbery this afternoon. I half expected him to shout GO! GO! GO! or STEP ON IT DRIVER! like a cheesy 30’s mobster from an old black and white Cary Grant movie as he got in.
“DON’T!” I yell back “Just bloody don’t. I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t have even answered my mobile. This is bloody madness from me. I must be off my head”
“C’mon” he replies “Lighten up a bit. It’s all good now.”
“YEAH! All good you reckon? It’s an everyday occurrence you rob a bank and get a taxi to pick you up afterwards. Were do you want to go then? Home?”
10 minutes before I was working through my nightshift as a taxi driver when I got the call from my mate. After knowing what was planned for today and who was involved, why did I answer my phone. I have this weakness of always wanting to help those I know. If I’m working and a friend calls up asking to be picked up from the other side of town as they’re too drunk to get a cab or its just too plain busy to hail one, then I’ll
The prologue seemed self-indulgent, and I don’t really want to be told about what happens or the consequences, I want to experience it in a story. And the errors were red flags (“your” instead of “you’re,” and “get” instead of “got.”
The story questions raised in the first chapter opening were good at raising interest, a good start, but then we ran into the character musing about himself in the midst of fairly dramatic action. Hey, he just picked up a friend who he knows robbed a bank. Would you, in that circumstance, start thinking about how you helped people out? No, you’d drive and talk to your robber friend. So that diversion stayed my hand as all momentum petered out.
But there’s nice writing, overall, and a sense of a story to come. Just stay with it, involve us with what’s happening to your character and how he deals with it. I think you could start later in the story, after he’s picked up his friend and the police cars stop our character.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Your generosity helps defray the cost of hosting FtQ.
Public floggings available. If I can post it here,
- Email: email 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2009 Ray Rhamey
I was hooked from the get-go. It reminded me of the "poor slob" story who fell into circumstances you can't help but find compelling.
I am not much for first person, present tense, but I get a sense that this character is INTERESTING.
I am a very quirky and eccentric reader, but I love a story.
The story got me so quickly I missed the spelling/grammar errors until Ray pointed them out.
I mean what in hell was that taxi driver thinking and how is he going to explain it???
Good question! Well, it's the HOT SEAT from the get-go for him, I'd say. I can't wait to hear more!
("The dog ate my homework" – move over.)
Posted by: bb | July 28, 2009 at 08:54 AM
The typos were the problem for me. They kept drawing my eye. Now I have to go back to my WIP and look for those things because they overrule my ability to read the story. :( Sorry!
Posted by: Aimee Laine | July 28, 2009 at 12:38 PM
I had trouble getting into this one. I had a similar issue with the prologue as Ray. I grew up at a time when tv and movies promoted a 'how the heck did all these characters get into this situation!?' followed by the whole rest of the movie/show going back however much time to get us there. I'm worn out on the technique and I wasn't particularly excited by it in the first place. Now, having said that, it's all me and my preferences. Your mileage may greatly vary.
I also had trouble getting past the writing itself. Errors kept jumping off the page at me, which broke up my ability to get into the flow of the action. I also didn't have a good sense of place. Few visuals, no smells, or sounds other than dialogue, few sensations other than the descriptions of disconnect in the prologue.
I hope this helps.
Posted by: Kami | July 28, 2009 at 01:01 PM
Too many errors. Even the first sentence is barely English: "how that my curiosity ended me in jail?"
Telling a story in present tense is very, very tricky. It's like a movie shot entirely through a jerky handheld video camera.
There could be a nice story in here, but there's no evidence of sentence-level command of the language. Spend some time studying basic usage, syntax, and grammar, then tell the story again.
Posted by: Ben | July 28, 2009 at 04:58 PM
I voted 'no' on both.
The prologue, because of the grammatical errors in the first and the second sentences, just to start. It was hard to pay attention after that and I ended up skimming through the text. I did go back and read it again, but it still wasn't enough for me.
The first chapter was a no just because not enough happened. Too much time was spent on thought and dialogue that didn't further the action.
If I saw a polished version, I might feel differently. It has potential and could be intriguing!
Posted by: Eden Tyler | July 28, 2009 at 05:14 PM
I was closer to a yes on the chapter for content, but in both cases, the abundant typos kept me from getting into the story.
If the chapter had continued with the conversation or current action rather than wandering off, I might have been more compelled.
Posted by: Darla | July 28, 2009 at 07:24 PM