Flogometer for Cynthia—would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Cynthia’s first 16 lines.

My Mom has always been a loser. She loses people. She looks like Kelly Preston, if Kelly Preston was younger and wore a Burger Boy Manager’s uniform, but she’s lost every man she ever loved, or thought she loved, beginning with my father, who dumped her when I was just a baby bump. I love her, I hate her, I feel sorry for her and I wanna kick her ass, all at the same time and the day she lost Bruce kind of pushed me over the edge, but it turned out to be the beginning of everything.

I‘m usually in a bad mood, I don’t quite know why, but I find most people and most situations very annoying. On that day, June 13, 2008, I was actually not as bummed as usual ‘cause it was the last day of school. I didn’t dislike school itself, I just couldn’t stand everyone who went there. My school, Central High in St Louis, was the usual mix of cheerleaders, popular kids, jocks, freaks, nerds, Goths and druggies sprinkled with some gang-bangers, gang-banger wannabees, and then there was yours truly and Sasha Greene.

Sasha and I kind of looked alike. We both had black hair with blue streaks, which we got at CrazyHair.com, except her hair was dark so she had to bleach some of it for the dye to take. My hair is actually blonde so I had to dye and tone. She was my best (and actually my only) friend and the drummer in our band, Noname. I was lead guitar, vocals and the main songwriter and (snip)

Set-up not story—didn’t get the page turn
Just as in conversation, after someone diverges from the original topic, the fourth paragraph in this opening started with “Anyway. . .” just as you would say to resume talking about the original subject. There’s a good voice here, and good writing, but this seems to me to be throat-clearing. Indeed, following are, with a little editing, 16 lines that I think could start the story with, well, story.

When I got home from school I was a little freaked out to see Mom’s car parked outside our garden apartment ‘cause she usually does payroll on Friday and rolls in around seven P.M.

I walked in the kitchen door and knew right away what was going down when I heard Kim and Bruce arguing in the living room. Times like this I think of her as Kim instead of Mom ‘cause she acts like such a kid. I even call her Kim sometimes, which she pretends not to notice. I wanted to sit her down, make her write ’no one likes needy’ a thousand times and paste it on her bathroom mirror. But I never had the guts to do it.

I could hear their voices clearly through the wall, so I opened the fridge, which was filled with Burger Boy food, (I find that stuff seriously disgusting) and pulled out yogurt, orange juice and strawberries for a smoothie.

The dialogue coming through the wall was scary familiar. “Kim, it’s not you, it’s me. I’m not good enough for you.”

“That line was a whole episode of a sitcom.”

“But it’s true, Kimmy. I swear.”

“You know ‘good’ makes me feel bad about myself. I don’t want good. I want you.”

I got so into the drama I almost forgot the ice cubes. What a disaster that could have been.

For me, this has tension, and raises the “what happens next” question, and tells me a lot about the character and her relationship with her mother. The voice is still there, but the character doesn’t come across as so negative. How about a second vote here? One last thing, Cynthia—I wouldn’t use the brief prologue you sent. I’d rather get to the story.

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Jessica]

I have to agree with Ray. The writing was clear, and the voice was good, but there wasn't any conflict in the first 16 lines to draw me in.

The second selection exhibited that same sharp voice and clear writing, but was chock full of conflict.

Best of luck with the story!

[cb]

Thanks for letting us all learn from your story editing, Cynthia and Ray. I know I have!

[hope101]

I turned the page just because I enjoyed the character so much, but I agree the conflict needs to be emphasized more.

Have to say, though, I think you've done a really good job of portraying a too-old adolescent with a co-dependent mother who uses humor to distance what is actually traumatic. This will speak to a lot of people, if you can get that conflict nailed.

[Lexi Revellian]

Ray, no! I really liked this one. I'm amazed to find the majority so far wouldn't have turned the page.

I like the voice, it's distinctive; and the author painlessly packs in a lot of information in an interesting manner.

I didn't like your re-write; I thought it made it much more run of the mill. All I'd change is to make 'but it turned out to be the beginning of everything' into a separate sentence, and lose 'very' before annoying.

Cynthia, I liked it a lot.

[Liz C]

I enjoyed the first paragraph of the original opening, but got lost in set-up after that. The alternate opening worked better for me, but I think I'd prefer the original first paragraph followed by the alternate opening.

Great voice! I can totally identify with the MC. :)

[Ray Rhamey]

Lexi, I didn't offer a rewrite, it was just material written by the author that came a couple of pages later. And, as we all know, this biz is very subjective.

[Kami]

I'm with Lexi--I loved this opening. It hugely grabbed me. I felt like I would get a chance to befriend and follow around a character who would keep me endlessly entertained. I loved hearing about her friend, the set up for problems to come ... I wouldn't change a thing.

Gee, I can't remember the last time I felt this way about an opening. It's been a while!

[JRTomlin]

Opening didn't grab me at all--all tell, no show and little tension. I'm the Ray on this one.

[Richard Davies]

I quite liked it, but agree it may not be enough, from a publisher's point of view, to get most people to turn the page. The second piece made me want to turn the page a little better. Plus it is less cluttered. I need my beginnings to flow at a good pace and give a hint of a good story. For me the second 'example' is much better. Good writing, though with a few technical issues. Thumbs up from me.

[Lisa]

I usually agree with Ray completely and I do agree that this is not the type of active opening he advocates but, the voice is so interesting and appealing that I am willing to stick with it to see what happens. Ray's suggested opening seemed more by the numbers.