Flogometer for Brian plus a free e-book offer

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Free e-book offer, last day.

I’ll email a PDF copy of the complete novel, We the Enemy, to people who request it -- in return, I ask for feedback. I can tell you that most people think it’s a good read. If you want to help out (and have a good read), please email me at ray at editorrr dot com. Here’s a recent attempt at copy for the back of the book (thanks to the Queen of Darkness for her suggestions, which helped me think about it in a different way).

Death is on the hunt, disguised as righteousness. But which are the enemies, and which are the victims?

The Alliance, an Oregon citizen group, is costing the president key votes in the election—and the attorney general says it’s leading an assault on the constitution that must be stopped.

Mercenary Jake Black, a man whose emotions died when his wife and little girl were killed, is hired to stop the Alliance. But if he doesn’t feel any more, why does he wake in the morning with tears on his cheeks?

And why does he save Jewel Washington, a single mother struggling against drugs and violence in the projects of Chicago, from assault? Maybe it’s fate—when he’s sent to a hellhole prison, his life depends on her.

Then a deadly attack threatens to destroy the Alliance and the hope it brings to the nation, and its only chance to survive lies with the man hired to stop it.

When Jake closes his hands around the throat of the assassin, he faces his ultimate truth . . .

Is he the enemy?

FtQ may be irregular for the next 2 weeks I’m traveling over the next two weeks on vacation and to do my workshop at the Mendocino Coast Writers Conference. I’ll do my best to maintain my regular MWF flogging and posting schedule, but Internet access may be iffy at times.

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Brian has sent a prologue and first chapter. Which, if either or both, compels you to turn the page? Here are the first 16 lines of the prologue:

FIFTY YEARS AGO

Blight was to be banished.

The Great Hall of Stormcloud Castle was packed with Wizards. Most proudly wore robes displaying their ranks and affiliations, mirroring the colored banners and flags that waved from the ceiling and from several balconies in a magical breeze. A few of those present had cowls deployed, casting their faces in deep shadows -- Wizards either unaffiliated or on sabbatical. There was little talk among the whole of them, and what little there was occurred in hushed whispers. This was a momentous occasion, and none wanted to miss a moment from inattention.

Because Blight was to be banished.

At any one time there were around twelve score active Wizards, plus that number again of students and those retired. Normally, only fully active Wizards attended gatherings here; students weren’t welcome, and retirees seldom bothered.

Today, few Wizards of any description were to be found anywhere outside of the Great Hall’s enclosing space.

The Great Hall more than lived up to its name: an area of Stormcloud Castle which was, through Magic, made larger inside than out. Outwardly it showed merely modest dimensions -- 150 feet on a side, three stories tall. But to someone inside, it stretched nearly five hundred feet (snip)

And now the first 16 lines from chapter one:

The First of Winter Fire show was more spectacular then ever that year. Beginning at the stroke of Middle Night, grand displays of bursting Magic, including several new colors, lit up the night skies to the wonderment of everyone watching. There were fantastic explosions and many new shapes and arrangements in addition to those long familiar and beloved. The show spanned the entire sky of the island that was Wizard’s Reach -- and had the huge crowds gasping in awe, despite the lateness of the hour and the cold of early-winter. For better than an hour the light and colors saturated the heavens, the rolling roars and blasts greeting the coming of the new Season in the grandest of possible styles.

Amidst the joyful revelers, though, a young girl named Astralicia Fairweather was distracted, almost troubled.

Despite the hubbub around her and the excitement bubbling from her two younger sisters and three brothers, Astralicia -- mostly called Astra, by everyone but her mother on some dark occasions -- found it difficult to focus on the thrilling light show any more than the smells of festive foods, or the oohs and aahs of the crowd with each new burst of light from the sky.

Astra was worried for the family’s Hearthfire, whose maintenance was her main duty. It had been guttering when time had come to leave for the Festival.

First, I want to say what a pleasure it is to receive such clean, clear writing. Well done. But, as agent Kristen Nelson says, good writing isn’t enough. Were these passages enough to compel me to turn the page?

The prologue came closest for me because of the promise of the banishment, but when it lapsed into the dimensions of the building, the forward impetus withered for me. The first chapter had even less tension. While the opening description of the event was colorful, it was just description of the “snapshot” kind.

Experiential description would have helped. As I talk about in my book, rendering description through the lens of a character, flavoring it with their emotions and thoughts, makes a place come alive in a unique way and characterizes at the same time. For me, what’s missing in both of these passages is a character, a person with whom to become involved, whose story I want to hear.

In both pieces, the point of view is distant, omniscient. If the events had been happening from within the point of view of the characters, I think I might have gone further. For example, in the chapter opening, we’re told of a problem—the hearth fire—but of no consequences. What if, instead, the opening description (shortened somewhat) had been viewed through the worry of the girl? What if we experienced her distraction, and learned the consequences? For example:

As much as Astra wanted to enjoy the First of Winter Fire Show, all she could see was the guttering flame of her family’s hearth fire, the flame that she was duty bound to maintain lest it fail and the winter cold make their home inhabitable.

That’s just a quick notion, but aren’t you more involved immediately? Doesn’t the consequence of failing in her duty raise story questions?

For many, especially in fantasy, this omniscient approach works just fine. I’m not saying it’s wrong. On the other hand, if the events were experienced through the tense mind of the young wizard who is the POV character in the prologue (who you don’t even meet until page 2) and the girl, I think they would be far more engaging. For me, if the events themselves are not extremely captivating, it’s character that can compel.

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Your generosity helps defray the cost of hosting FtQ.

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. Email: email 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font, 1-inch margins.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Aimee Laine]

I kept thinking "Harry Potter" in the prologue. Don't know if that's good or bad, but that's where my head was going. :)

[Richard Davies]

Voted no for both. Lovely descriptive prose, but not enough to pull me onward.

Ray, with that back cover, I'd turn to the front page. No doubt.

[lexi Revellian]

Me too - JKR.

It struck me as a competent, but rather old-fashioned opening. All tell, no show.

As a child, I'd probably have read on; I was omnivorous in those days.

[Justina]

I voted no. Although the writing is clear, it was too much telling and not enough showing. I also prefer to have my POV a bit closer to the character, either close third or first. That may have been what turned me off.

[Darcy]

The passages were nicely written scene setting, but as a reader I'm only interested in the scene as it relates to a person or a situation. I think providing substantially the same info filtered through a character with an issue--Ray's experiential detail--is ideal, but I don't mind lengthy description, as long as it comes after I have an interest in the story and characters. I love this genre and from the little bit posted it seems you have a well developed world to set your story in. With a little more character up front I'd love to read on.

[hope101]

Ray, IMO, you're giving away too much of the plot for a cover blurb. Let me think about it, and I'll see if I can come up with a suggestion.

Brian, I have to agree 100% with Ray. The narrator is so distant in this that I don't really feel involved. You might consider a book that has helped me in my writing: Brandilyn Collins's "Getting into Character".

[Kami]

Bear in mind I don't think I'm the target audience for this.

I also thought Harry Potter in the beginning. Part of it is that I don't know the whole context. If it's set in modern-day Earth and they're off in a castle somewhere hidden from every day muggle-like knowledge, yeah, it's too close to HP for me and I would stop reading. If it's not on Earth or during different time period with different political dynamics, I'd rather see a hint of that than a description of the size of the hall they're in. I would give the book more of a chance knowing that I'll be immersed in a new world with possibly new fun things to discover and a new system of magic to learn about.

In the chapter there's lots of wordage about the fireworks, but nothing specific. Shapes. New colors. I don't even know what the old colors were, so I haven't the foggiest what would be considered new. This might be a hint at magical limitations, always a welcome thing in a fantasy. If it appears that anything is possible, then I'm less likely to enjoy the magic.

Lastly, I think that if something as important as a hearthfire was guttering, the family wouldn't have left it unattended. It seemed too obvious of an authorial-intrusive plot point to me. You don't leave the iron on, or the stovetop on, or the doors unlocked, and you don't leave the hearthfire guttering before you go out. :-)

I hope this helps.