Win-a-book contest results, Flogometer for Howard

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Choosing between the top 10 entries turned out to be a tough assignment. I like several of these a lot. Here are the results of the poll, in ascending popularity, with two tied for the top spot:

• With the kris's blade inches from Neela's breasts, Shikari willed a small opening in his vastu-shield, and watched, smiling, as Neela's eyes widened at the sight of its edge shimmering in mid-air. 3% (2 votes)
• If I had been a good child, none of this would have happened. 5% (3 votes)
• The cold steel speculum entered her body as a punishment for her sins. 5% (3 votes)
• The day I met the genie, the boss emailed me demanding a meeting at eleven to discuss a matter of ‘great importance’. 5% (3 votes)
• Alek knew a dragon’s roar. 6% (4 votes)
• Nicky's Pa had only ever struck him once, when he'd caught him sneaking a look at the very map Nicky was now unfolding. 10% (6 votes)
• If Queen Bee Abigail Withers called me a wannabe loser one more time I was gonna let her have it, even if it did mean I’d have to kiss a pig. 11% (7 votes)
• I see them now in mirrors, on darkened windows, in waking dreams---all the faces I have painted. 14% (9 votes)
• Sniff, armed only with a bowl of stew and a lantern, stepped into the dungeon and prayed it would be the last time. 21% (13 votes)
• All she could see was red, it ran between her fingers and soaked the ground as she tried to cover the hole. 21% (13 votes)

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Here are the ones that had the most appeal to me:

• If I had been a good child, none of this would have happened.
• If Queen Bee Abigail Withers called me a wannabe loser one more time I was gonna let her have it, even if it did mean I’d have to kiss a pig.
• I see them now in mirrors, on darkened windows, in waking dreams---all the faces I have painted.
• Sniff, armed only with a bowl of stew and a lantern, stepped into the dungeon and prayed it would be the last time.

Enter subjectivity

So what makes the “best” opening line? Those “final four,” for me, all promised good writing and raised immediate story questions. They each have strong and explicit appeals. But I came to realize that the “best” opening line is the one provoked the strongest “I want to read this” reaction in me.

For me, it was:

If Queen Bee Abigail Withers called me a wannabe loser one more time I was gonna let her have it, even if it did mean I’d have to kiss a pig.

I wanted to know more about this spunky, sassy person. It turns out—and this is a revelation to me that I need to apply to my own writing—that it was character rather than action that interested me most in these openings. The runner-up for me was Sniff, who was clearly being courageous as he entered an intriguing place.

So congratulations, Lisa. I’ll email you to get a mailing address for your copy of Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells.

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Now for Howard’s first 16 lines:

Staring past the shoreline of Lake Superior from her window in the lodge, she saw something move, undulating just under the surface of the water.

It could have been a trick of the eye, or the moonlight dancing on the lake.

She tore her eyes away, and became conscious that she was holding her breath, but she could not look away for long; she knew her vigil would last through the night; that sleep would not come. Glued to the window, she watched the fog roll in, sensing the thick damp chill permeating the air.

An hour after sunrise, she gave in.

Trying not to think about what lay ahead, she walked out into the cold, stepped carefully into the boat and started the small gas engine.

As she drove the shape of the Island grew and so did the voices, speaking at once, filling her head with a constant chatter, until she felt dizzy and wounded by their intensity and the chilling laughter filled her ears until it hurt for her to think.

Burying her face in her hands she tried to shut them out.

Then the voice she recognized from her dreams spoke and the rest of the clamor stopped, similar to the start of a concert when the conductor taps his baton and all the instruments grow quiet, waiting for a sign.

Despite craft needs, I turned the page
I had mixed emotions about this, and think the writing could be tightened a lot, b the last three paragraphs raised enough tension and story questions in me to provoke a page turn. As an editor, I figured that I could deal with craft issues. Speaking of which. . .

Staring past the shoreline of Lake Superior from her window in the lodge, she saw something move, undulating undulate just under the surface of the water.

It could have been a trick of the eye, or the moonlight dancing on the lake.

She tore her eyes gaze away, and became conscious that she was holding her breath, but she could not look away for long; she knew her vigil would last through the night; that sleep would not come. Glued to the window, she watched the fog roll in, sensing the thick damp chill permeating the air.

(NOTE: I would delete these three opening paragraphs. For one thing, they misdirect me—I’m led to expect a revelation of something that was under the surface of the water, and it doesn’t happen. Bait and switch. Then there’s her vigil—what is it for? What are the stakes? No, for me, the interesting stuff comes after all this.)

An hour after sunrise, she gave in. (I like this as an opening line, a lot.)

Trying not to think about what lay ahead, she walked out into the cold, stepped carefully into the boat and started the small gas engine motor. (“Small” is a comparative conclusion word and doesn’t give a picture. “small gas engine” is overwriting—that it’s small and gas don’t matter. If you cut the opening paragraphs as suggested, this is where you set the scene, i.e. Lake Superior, etc.)

As she drove, the shape of the Island grew and so did the voices, speaking at once, filling her head with a constant chatter, until she felt dizzy and wounded by their intensity, and the chilling laughter filled her ears until it hurt for her. to think.

Burying her face in her hands she tried to shut them out. (If she’s driving a boat across a lake, it doesn’t seem logical that she’d bury her face in her hands. And this isn’t really relevant. Let’s get to the next paragraph, where the good stuff is.)

Then the voice she recognized from her dreams spoke and the rest of the clamor stopped, similar to the start of a concert when the conductor taps his baton and all the instruments grow quiet, waiting for a sign.

There were other craft issues mixed in with strong story elements (note to Howard: she’s on a lake, but you have her going out to sea in a later paragraph). I would have read on to see if story continued to outweigh other issues.

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Jessica]

I liked this a lot. I agreed with Ray's assessment--great tension, excellent buildup. I wanted more.

[Sheila]

First off, congrats to Lisa on a great first line! And thanks to Ray for having the contest, it was fun.

Howard's entry has me hooked. I'd read on to see what was undulating under the surface, where the voices are coming from, and why she stayed up all night looking at the water. I like the inner conflict in your character - she looks away, but then has to look back. It tells me she's waiting to see something, but afraid of seeing it at the same time. The fog rolling in adds to the general feeling of impending danger, mystery, etc.

Good job.

[LisaP]

Sheila, thanks for the congrats and thanks to everyone who voted. I thought all the entries were great and agree the contest was fun.

I also like Howard's first 16 lines and would definitely read on. Good story questions raised.