Flogometer for Sammy—would you turn the page?

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In July I’m doing a workshop at the Mendocino Coast Writers Conference It's in lovely Mendocino, California, July 30 through August 2. I'm doing my Killer First Page workshop there, plus private editing sessions. The workshop is like a live version of what we do here, and writers find it to be fun and educational.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Sammy is back with a revision

-- his first 16 lines: “Cheater!” Zackaria pushed her jet-board to match Chrisa’s speed, but it was no use. Her sister was already too far ahead and reaching more height in the air. “Now, it’s my turn to give you a handicap and have some fun,” Chrisa said. Zackaria widened her eyes. Her heart choked, veins constricting. “What the hell are you doing?” she yelled. Chrisa had managed to free her feet from her board’s security straps. She separated herself from the board and fell face down into the air, extending her arms like a bird. “Don’t worry. I just want to fly a little since I know I’m going to win,” she said. Anger and worry flooded Zackaria’s chest. “Chris! Get back on your board right now. This is too dangerous!” “Calm down. I’ve done this many times before.” Chrisa performed flips in the air. She turned her back to the ground, letting the wind whip her long blond hair like banners in a storm. “I’m serious! Do it now.” Zackaria demanded. She trembled, fearing that her sister would become a mess of scrambled meat. “Okay, okay. It’s about time anyway.” Chrisa tapped a few keys on her control glove, but her jet-board stayed afloat in the air, rejecting her command. She jammed her fingers on the (snip) The last line got me The opening line promised conflict, and generated some tension. I have some nit-picks, but basically the writing is good, and Sammy made me want to know what would happen next! Notes: “Cheater!” Zackaria pushed her jet-board to match Chrisa’s speed, but it was no use. Hh er sister was already too far ahead and reaching more height in the air. (“It was no use” is telling. The rest of the paragraph shows.) “Now, it’s my turn to give you a handicap and have some fun,” Chrisa said. Zackaria widened her eyes. Her heart choked, veins constricting. “What the hell are you doing?” she yelled. Chrisa had managed to freed her feet from her board’s security straps. She separated herself from the board and fell face down into the air, extending her arms like a bird. (Suggest “like wings” instead. Birds hardly ever extend their arms.) Zackaria widened her eyes. Her heart choked, veins constricting. “What the hell are you doing?” she yelled. (I moved this so that it becomes a reaction to what Chrisa does—the order was backwards; she would ask what Chrisa what she was doing after she had done it. I know that you used “had managed to separate…etc.” to clue us in, but why do the action in reverse order?. Also, unless Zackaria is some kind of medical diagnostic machine, would she be aware of her veins constricting? This is really stepping outside of the close third person point of view, the author injecting himself with information the character would neither know nor be thinking about, IMO.) “Don’t worry. I just want to fly a little since I know I’m going to win,” she said. Anger and worry flooded Zackaria’s chest. “Chris! Get back on your board right now. This is too dangerous!” “Calm down. I’ve done this many times before.” Chrisa performed flips in the air. She turned her back to the ground, letting the wind whip her long blond hair like banners in a storm. “I’m serious! Do it now.” Zackaria demanded. She trembled, fearing that her sister would become a mess of scrambled meat. (I don’t think she’d be trembling at this stage. Adrenaline would be pumping in, and even though she fears for her sister, her body would be preparing for action. I think you should cut all of it after the dialogue.) “Okay, okay. It’s about time anyway.” Chrisa tapped a few keys on her control glove, but her jet-board stayed afloat in the air, rejecting her command. She jammed her fingers on the (snip) You’re doing well on the storytelling side, but, as you can see, this particular editor sees work to be done on the writing side—mostly tightening, watching out for overwriting, and keeping the action linear. Keep at it, Sammy. Comments, anyone? For what it’s worth. Ray Your generosity helps defray the cost of hosting FtQ. Public floggings available. If I can post it here, send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission. ARCHIVES © 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Jessica]

Clean, clear writing, characters I can care about, and a tension-filled situation. Yes.

[hope101]

This may just be personal preference, and it's going to sound completely inconsistent with my usual comments about people's beginnings, but for me, this commences just a little too far into the action.

I don't know who these girls are, so what should be a very heart-stopping moment for me as a reader is actually a little muted. Also, you've set yourself a hard task: whatever follows will have to have more drama and tension than this opening scene. It's doable, but a challenge.

That said, I liked it, and I'd turn the page. Good job.

[Mary]

This is good and I'd read on. I'm very interested to know what happens. I have nothing to add that Ray hasn't already suggested.

[Sheila]

This reminded me of Scott Westerfield's Uglies trilogy because hover boards figure hugely in them. For that reason, the fact that these girls are riding jet boards loses some of the "oh, wow, that's cool" factor, because I've seen it before. So, for me to be compelled to read further the writing, characterization, conflict has to overcome the feeling that this is derivative.

This starts off good - one racer calling the other "cheater," but I'm not sure how Chrisa was cheating. So that story question was left unanswered, which frustrates me as a reader. The use of the word handicap threw me, too. How is Chrisa giving her sister a handicap? She's letting her catch up, right? That would be giving herself a handicap, wouldn't it?

Then, Chrisa is flying through the air in a free-fall, and as she's doing this she says, "Don't worry. Etc." How can she simply say that and be heard? Wouldn't she have to scream it? The only way I could see them having a conversation while she's free-falling is if they have some sort of communication device, but that wasn't shown. I also think it would be good to show how their positions change. Chrisa is ahead and higher to start, does she fall lower than her sister?

I love the ending here - the unresponsive board. That's good stuff. Good luck!

[Sammy]

Thanks for the help with the writing, Ray! And thanks to everyone for their suggestions. I'll put them into good use.