Contest coming next week! How would you like to win a signed copy of Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells? On Monday I’ll launch a contest that involves a line of narrative from your WIP. Stay tuned.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.
The first 16 lines of Robyn’s middle-grade novel:
I wasn’t pulled aheadAnna threw open the barn door, smiling at her horse. She smelled Fancy’s hay-fresh breath as they began their usual early morning mission to outstare each other. Anna jabbed her boots in the dirt, determined to win. Fancy toughened her stance, and swished her tail. Her stare pierced through her black mane that hung down to her eyelashes. At that moment, Anna’s eleven year old brother walked in, with his hands stuffed in his back pockets.
“Whatcha doin?”
“I was trying to win my stare-off, until you disturbed me.” Anna giggled so hard that she was forced to look away. “You win Fancy! I gotta get to work.”
She pushed the wheelbarrow into a stall and started mucking. “I gotta get my chores done, before Claire gets here.” Anna said, as she picked up a fork full of poop.
“Wouldn’t you rather be talking to Claire?” Ian pointed toward the door.
Claire walked in and said, “Is that all you do? You were mucking stalls the day I left. Mucking and crying, remember?”
“Claire!” Anna raced over and gave her best friend a big hug. The two started talking and laughing together. “I’ve missed you so much!”
Ian smiled at Anna and grabbed the rake from her hands, pushing her out the stall door. (snip)
There’s nice writing, and a sweet voice for the girl, but not much in the way of compelling tension. I’m no expert in middle-grade fiction, and they may give you more time to set the scene with a little “throat-clearing,” but it wouldn’t hurt to start with more tension.
The protagonist is a diabetic, and it seems clear that her dealing
with that will be a factor. But that can be woven in later, as troubles
come up that her condition complicates. Some brief notes, and then more
thoughts for Robyn.
Anna threw open the barn door, smiling at her horse. She smelled Fancy’s hay-fresh breath as they began their usual early morning mission to outstare each other. Anna jabbed her boots in the dirt, determined to win. Fancy toughened her stance, and swished her tail. Her stare pierced through her black mane that hung down to her eyelashes.
At that moment,Anna’s eleven year old brother walked in, with his hands stuffed in his back pockets. (A few things. I liked the tone of this, and it felt right for a girl even though it lacked tension. When she throws open the barn door, the horse is right there. I think you need to set this scene more clearly. In reality, the horse would be sticking his head out of a stall inside the barn, right? He might give her a soft nicker when he sees her. The part of a horse’s mane that hangs down the front of the face is called a forelock. You establish the brother’s age (a little clunkily), but not Anna’s. Is she older? I suspect so. You could deal with both with something such as Anna’s little brother walked in, his hands stuffed in his back pockets. It wasn’t fair that he was almost as tall as her even though he was only eleven and she was five years older. Or whatever the difference is.)“Whatcha doin?”
“I was trying to win my stare-off, until you disturbed me.” Anna giggled so hard that she was forced to look away. “You win Fancy! I gotta get to work.”
She pushed the wheelbarrow into a stall and started mucking. “I gotta get my chores done before Claire gets here.”
Anna said, as sShe picked up a fork-full of poop.Ian pointed toward the door. “Wouldn’t you rather be talking to Claire?”
Ian pointed toward the door.(I think the reader will see this action better if the description comes first.)Claire walked in and said, “Is that all you do? You were mucking stalls the day I left. Mucking and crying, remember?” (This is a nice way to establish the relationship.)
“Claire!” Anna raced over and gave her best friend a big hug.
The two started talking and laughing together.“I’ve missed you so much!”Ian smiled at Anna and grabbed the rake from her hands, pushing her out the stall door. (snip)
The girls go on a trail ride into the mountains, and a storm hits. This, from page 8, might be the place to try starting this story (the backstory and diabetes can be added in as they deal with the crisis, and I wonder if Claire’s return from moving away is actually necessary for this story):
“Let’s ride! We need to make it home before the storm hits.” Anna asked Fancy for a simple jog-trot. Fancy rose into the gait smoothly and with Claire and Rundee following close behind, she rode toward the opening. Anna looked up into the black, gloomy clouds and knew they were in trouble.
Think about it, Robyn. Oh, one continuity hiccup I noticed: on page 3 you have Claire rubbing her horse’s nose, but they have walked out of the barn, and the horse’s presence, either in or out of the stall area, has been set up. He just appears out of nowhere.
Comments, anyone?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,
- send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
- Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
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© 2009 Ray Rhamey
I liked the contest, it's a neat way to introduce this character through her relationship with the horse. And I liked her interaction with her brother. I perked up at Claire's entrance, because her comment made me think she was an antagonist and we were going to get some good conflict, but then it turns out she's a friend.
"Anna threw open the barn door, smiling at her horse." I'm not really sure how you do both at the same time. It seems like you can throw open the door and then smile at the horse. I think Ray is right that you need to set the scene in a clearer way.
I really like that she's diabetic.
Good luck!
Posted by: Sheila | June 12, 2009 at 09:06 AM
Knowing there is something about diabetes coming up makes this story immediately richer for me. If you want to introduce more tension immediately--and give us the sense of how hard Anna works to remain cheerful despite her illness--you might work it in right after Claire's comment on crying.
Maybe Anna can think something like, "Oh, right. The last time Claire saw me I was still upset from seeing the doctor."
Anyway, girls, horses, a main character who has worked hard to stay sunny... You've got a lot of good stuff there. :)
Posted by: Jan (hope101) | June 12, 2009 at 11:18 AM
As an adult, this doesn't interest me. However, when I was a girl I was nuts about horses and gobbled up every book I could find about them. So, I would have loved this in fourth grade!
I agree with Ray's comments, and would add one more: You might want to consider taking out the giggling. I know girls do it a lot, but it's not something I would choose to put in a scene, unless it's a clear sign of an emotional state such as nervousness or unusual giddiness.
Posted by: Christine H | June 15, 2009 at 07:32 AM
P.S. If this is taking place first thing in the morning, the horse would probably be anxious to be fed, and would not be staring, but stamping and jerking its head impatiently. A good horse owner would see to the animal's needs before playing games. Just a thought!
Posted by: Christine H | June 15, 2009 at 07:34 AM
That was creeping the hell out of me.
Posted by: Ervin | June 19, 2009 at 08:56 PM