Will your WIP’s first line win a free, signed copy of Flogging the Quill?
I will send a signed copy of my book to the person who has, in my estimation, the best first line from their WIP, although FtQ readers will be involved in the selection process. Here are the rules and how-to’s. . .
The rules/how-to’s: entrants will do the following
- Tell me in a comment which of the six kitty-cat scenarios in the free PDF sample you think is the best hook (not just the first line, but the complete opening). You can just state a number, 1 through 6. The votes will be compiled and the result reported. To read the chapter, you can click on the “Look inside” graphic on this site to open a PDF, or click here.
- In the same comment, give me the opening line of a work in progress (WIP). Please DO NOT make up a special line just for this competition—it has to be a real line that you think is the best way to open your novel in progress. If you want to hone your line before submitting it, please do.
- The line can be from a completed manuscript as long as it is unpublished.
- Make sure the email address you give when making your comment is correct as it’s the only way I can contact the winner.
The process, timing, etc.
- Contest opens today and ends Friday (June 19th) at midnight.
- On the following Monday I will post my top 10 picks in a poll.
- You vote for your favorite.
- Voting will end Tuesday at midnight.
- Wednesday (the 24th), I’ll announce the winner. This may or may not be the one the majority selects. Hey, this is all subjective, right?
In addition, I’ll post the results on the kitty-cat scenario votes sometime that week.
Laura’s first 16 lines:
Whew! I turned this page.Roy woke up to screaming.
He winced, tried to rise, then floundered and collapsed back against the floor. The screaming continued. A garbled cutting cry of agony. Roy swore, pushed his hands against the carpet, tried again.
Screaming. Screaming. Hysterical screaming.
“My leg! My LEG!!”
Hoarse. Loud. Panicked. Over and over.
Roy breathed into the carpet and coughed.
Over and over.
Something wet dripped from his scalp down his temple. He tightened his hand around his CZ as he tried to get his vision to focus. Screams cut against his mind. Same voice. Same guy.
Nineteen. Just as old as him.
“Mygodmygod—” A hiccup, desperate for breath. “Help!” Breathe. “God help me!!”
He was coming, God damn it. He just needed a sec— Roy swore and fell back against the wall. He pressed his fist against his bruised side, and breathed.
Roy’s vision swayed from one end of the living room to the other, drunken, adjusting, (snip)
Intense is a mild word for this opening, and the narrative that follows cranks it up several notches from here. I not only wanted to know what would happen next, I wanted to know what was happening. Good, taut writing, which is what you need for an action scene. There were clarity issues for me, though. Some notes.
Roy woke up to screaming. (I wonder if Screaming woke Roy. would be more effective. Just a thought.)
He winced, tried to rise, then
floundered andcollapsed back against the floor. The screaming continued. A garbled cutting cry of agony. Roy swore, pushed his hands against the carpet, tried again. (I suggest you let us hear what Roy swears.)Screaming. Screaming. Hysterical screaming.
“My leg! My LEG!!”
Hoarse. Loud. Panicked. Over and over.
Roy breathed into the carpet and coughed.
Over and over.(Rather than telling, give us Roy’s experience. Repeat the “my leg” dialogue instead.)Something wet dripped from his scalp down his temple. He tightened his hand around his CZ as he tried to get his vision to focus. Screams cut against his mind.
Same voice. Same guy.(Would something drip from his scalp down his temple? Seems like it would run. Dripping would leave his head in order to be, well, drips. Sorry, but I have no idea what a “CZ” is, so this was lost on me. I think that we will assume that it’s the same person screaming, although letting us know earlier that the voice is male is a good idea.)Nineteen. Just as old as him. (So how does he know this? As far as we know, he can’t see the screamer. Clarity issue.)
“Mygodmygod—” A hiccup, desperate for breath. “Help!” Breathe. “God help me!!”
He was coming, God damn it. He just needed a sec— Roy swore and fell back against the wall. He pressed his fist against his bruised side, and breathed. (He fell back against the wall? We didn’t know that he was next to one, or leaning against it. He was lying on the floor in a position to use his hands to push up, so how come he’s suddenly leaning against a wall? Clarity issue.)
Roy’s vision swayed from one end of the living room to the other, drunken, adjusting, (snip) (Is he actually drunk? If so, okay. If not, then this led me to think that he was. Could be more clear.)
Good stuff, for sure. Just be sure to keep your focus on delivering the experience and you’ll avoid some of the telling that’s here. And try to inhabit the character to help clear up clarity issues. Act it out in your mind. . .or for real. Thanks for sending this.
Comments, anyone?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Your generosity helps defray the cost of hosting FtQ.
Public floggings available. If I can post it here,
- send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
- Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2009 Ray Rhamey
CZ is a gun, right? Is this guy in the military? or in a gang? I'm hooked to read more and find out.
And I need to know what is happening to that poor kid. That's the frustrating thing about FtQ - sometimes you want more and there isn't any.
Good job.
Posted by: Sheila | June 17, 2009 at 10:56 AM
You've definitely got the stakes and momentum there, so good job. I'd definitely read on.
One other craft issue for me was how you dropped the age of the other kid in there. It felt a little contrived. I think with that kind of drama I'd personally be thinking of the kid's name, rather than his age.
Sounds like a good story, though. :)
Posted by: hope101 | June 17, 2009 at 11:45 AM
I'm hooked in that I want an answer to this mystery, so I'd keep going until I got that answer, but I wonder if that's enough. Once I know what's going on, will I have reason to go farther than that?
You've given me reason to be curious, but working on some reason to care or be concerned with the main character as well would really help to clench it. Perhaps a glimpse of personality in the midst of those thoughts? I like the "He was coming, God damn it", it shows voice, but more would be good to show why I should care, as well as like his voice.
Hopefully that makes sense :)
Posted by: Hayley E. Lavik | June 17, 2009 at 02:19 PM
This was well-written, but too intense for me.
Posted by: Christine H | June 17, 2009 at 06:31 PM
Kitty Cat scenario #4 would be my pick.
My first line: “Blue is no longer my favorite color,” I declared. “Green is. Army green.” I glared at the big blue bus that would be taking my brother away to Afghanistan for a year.
Posted by: Jennifer Marie | June 18, 2009 at 02:31 PM