Flogometer for Joel. Would you turn the page?

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Joel’s first 16 lines:

The marketplace of Ra’al Shala bustled with activity as coin and merchandise exchanged hands amid the steady stream frantic of haggling that accompanied each transaction. Every merchant and customer did their very best to accuse one another of committing blatant theft or gouging prices, depending upon which side was made the claims, and it always seemed as if the groups would come to blows at any moment. In the end, however, both sides would always complete their deals, exchange friendly farewells and then depart, fully confident that they had emerged the victor.

The sun blazed overhead, common enough for the Nierraken city, and throughout the market, innumerable smells and sounds battled for attention. The stench from hundreds of people in the scorching heat competed against the strong scent of sizzling meat from the butcher’s district, the tantalizing aromas of baked breads and pastries from the baker’s district, and the near-suffocating fumes from the alchemist and perfumery districts. Bellowed offers and counter-offers mixed with delighted laughter as small crowds gathered around the many entertainers that dotted the outskirts of the bazaar, watching the free performances and occasionally tossing small tributes into the nearby baskets.

All in all, the expanse of space reserved for the sizable collection of merchant stalls, tents (snip)

Despite nice writing, no go for me

I think that most readers, like me, scan the opening page of a novel in a book store to get a sense of what the story is about—and, indeed, if there is a story that I will find interesting. True, in a bookstore, there will be blubs or cover/jacket copy that could tell me something about the story, but only the narrative can show me what the experience will feel like.

For me, this experience feels like nothing much is going to happen. Nothing does here, nor do we know what the story is about, nor do we know who the story is about (at least this opening chapter). While this leisurely approach might work for some readers, it doesn’t for this one. Some brief notes:

The marketplace of Ra’al Shala bustled with activity as coin and merchandise exchanged hands amid the steady stream frantic of haggling that accompanied each transaction. Every merchant and customer did their very best to accuse one another of committing blatant theft or gouging prices, depending upon which side was made making the claims, and it always seemed as if the groups would come to blows at any moment. In the end, however, both sides would always complete their deals, exchange friendly farewells and then depart, fully confident that they had emerged the victor. (The reference to “the groups” doesn’t fit for me, as the beginning of the sentence refers to individuals, merchants and customers.)

The sun blazed overhead, common enough for the Nierraken city, and throughout the market, innumerable smells and sounds battled for attention. The stench from hundreds of people in the scorching heat competed against with the strong scent of sizzling meat from the butcher’s district, the tantalizing aromas of baked breads and pastries from the baker’s district, and the near-suffocating fumes from the alchemist and perfumery districts. Bellowed offers and counter-offers mixed with delighted laughter as small crowds gathered around the many entertainers that dotted the outskirts of the bazaar, watching the free performances and occasionally tossing small tributes into the nearby baskets. (I think the blazing sun lets us know that it’s hot, so no need to tell us about scorching heat. Instead, why not “hundreds of sweat-drenched people” to help us picture more?)

All in all, the expanse of space reserved for the sizable collection of merchant stalls, tents (snip) (Can you see what an “expanse of space” is? Or picture how many stalls a “sizable collection” represents? The narrative contains a lot of telling, to my eye.)

In 14 pages, here’s what happens: a thief snatches a purse, is chased by soldiers (through large amounts of description), gets away, and then sees a boy who seems to be orphaned and is an “Imperial.” This is at about 4,000 words, and the writer tells me that the first chapter is 10,000 words long. As I said, this slow-walking pace might work for some, but not me—the chase scene was hardly breathless or dramatic because of all the writing it took to tell; action, generally, calls for shorter sentences and paragraphs, and little scenery. Joel, get out that weedwhacker you mentioned in your email. You need to deliver the experience of the characters through the character’s eyes, actions, thoughts, and feelings rather than indulge in a languid stroll through the place, noting this and noting that.

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Emily Hendrickson]

Kitty Cat #3

Introducing her date by the wrong name all evening didn’t win her anything but a ticket straight back to single town. And here she was, three months later, punching a good-looking guy in the face – in the front foyer of her church.

[hope101]

If the goal of the first pages is to establish the 5 W's (who, what, where, when, why, and how), sorry, but you've accomplished only one. I do like the voice and the setting, but there's just not enough for me to grab onto.

[Richard Davies]

Good voice and clean writing, however I have two raindrops of advice I'd like to share with you...

The first is why say something unless it SAYS something? If you haven't captured the reader's imagination in a sentence or two, you won't have by writing a whole paragraph/page.

The second is that a story is ultimately driven by character. Without them there is no story to tell. It is they who we shall get excited about, love or hate. They should always be given centre stage, no matter how pretty/interesting a place or thing is.

-My advice would be to cut the verbosity, get to the nitty gritty, and tell us your characters' story as it happens to them.

[Hayley E. Lavik]

You've crafted a great environment, and I can see a lot of work has gone into the world-building here. If you can take this detail and enthusiasm for your world, and sprinkle it in around the action (rather than doing the opposite), you can create the same images while pulling the reader through the page, rather than expecting the reader to do so.

I like mercantile atmosphere, love thieves, and the snatch-and-chase later on sounds like a good concept. With some reworking to emphasize the plot and give us a character to work for, and then transferring this description in around that, you've got the potential for an appealing introduction.

[C. King]

I really like what you have so far. The writing is good, the world building is interesting, and you set an excellent scene. I'd just like to see these paragraphs a little later in the chapter, perhaps introduced to us through the perspective of a character and some action.

[Ervin]

I only said I would turn the page because these types of settings interest me. But still, far too little information on where it's all going. So much initial text shouldn't be sacrificed on setting.

[Jessica]

The setting interested me, and the description in the second paragraph was really well done. If you'd have started with that, I'd have turned the page.

I couldn't really see the point of the first paragraph, though. I'd suggest either (a) cutting it, or, better yet, (b) actually showing a fight between a specific merchant and customer.

This looks like an interesting world, and promises a good story. Good luck with it.

[Christine H]

If I could make a suggestion, I would hone the first two lines, and then zoom in on one particular case of haggling. This would give some life to the scene with character and dialogue, and then perhaps provide a distraction for the thief to use to his advantage. Just something that popped into my head while I was reading it.

I can tell you've put a lot of work into it... keep going!