Flogometer for Gargi. Would you turn the page?

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How about a review of FtQ (the book)? If you’ve read Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells, either one you’ve purchased (thank you very much!) or an advance review copy, I’d appreciate your posting a review on Amazon.com. Just click here and scroll down to the Customer Review section—there’s a button on the right. Thanks in advance.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Gargi’s first 16 lines:

On a stifling Monday morning in June, the boss sent me a one-line missive demanding a meeting at eleven. The prospect of telling me I’d been nominated for the Whiz-kid of the Year must’ve ruffled him, for he’d refrained from cramming his stream-of-consciousness sentences into the subject line, which he was wont to do. No woman in Whiziant had ever won the award, despite several being recommended for it. I planned to be the first.

After a quick look-through of my inbox, I grabbed my ‘Go for it Whiziant’ flask and headed for the pantry. The aroma of freshly prepared coffee floated in the air. I found Vik facing the coffee machine, clanking his spoon around the insides of the cup. He jerked his head up on hearing the tap of my pumps against the tiles.

‘Hey, Nils!’ he said.

I mumbled a greeting in return, masking my desire to haul him into a room filled with wax strips and peel the hair off his shaggy arms.

‘So, have you started preparing closure documents for Armada?’

My fingers tightened their grip around the flask handle. ‘No, why would I? It’s just gone for testing. Priya and her team are trying hard to break it.’

‘Oh!’ he said, creasing his lips into a fake smile. ‘Sorry, I thought you knew.’

I turned the page on this one
A clear, confident voice and good writing were factors, plus the mini-conflict suggested by the desire to tear the hair off the guy’s arms, and the final sentence suggests story to come, as well as more of the antagonism between the two. I think this would be better if there was a clue as to what Armanda was—it turns out that it’s a computer program of some sort, but the first chapter doesn’t reveal for what. Some notes:

On a stifling Monday morning in June, the boss sent me a one-line missive demanding a meeting at eleven. The prospect of telling me I’d been nominated for the Whiz-kid of the Year must’ve ruffled him, for he’d refrained from cramming his stream-of-consciousness sentences into the subject line, which he was wont to do. No woman in Whiziant had ever won the award, despite several being recommended for it. I planned to be the first.

After a quick look-through of my inbox, I grabbed my ‘Go for it Whiziant’ flask and headed for the pantry. The aroma of freshly prepared coffee floated in the air. I found Vik facing the coffee machine, clanking his spoon around the insides of the his cup. He jerked his head up on hearing the tap of my pumps against the tiles.

‘Hey, Nils!’ he said.

I mumbled a greeting in return, masking my desire to haul him into a room filled with wax strips and peel the hair off his shaggy arms. (I liked this. A bit of the “micro-tension” Donald Maass talks about in his new book, The Fire in Fiction, which I’ll be reviewing soon.)

‘So, have you started preparing closure documents for Armada?’

My fingers tightened their grip around the flask handle. ‘No, why would I? It’s just gone for testing. Priya and her team are trying hard to break it.’ (Here’s where a hint about Armanda would help. Internal monolog might do it, for example, As buggy as the program was, she wouldn’t be surprised, but she’d never let Vik know that. But that would push the following good line to the next page. I’d consider trimming down the opening paragraph—I don’t think the characterization of the boss’s emails is necessary, and it isn’t a factor in the narrative that follows.)

‘Oh!’ he said, creasing his lips into a fake smile. ‘Sorry, I thought you knew.’

Note to Gargi: I read through the rest of the chapter, and want to caution you against introducing so many names and characters. It became quite confusing. Also, I felt there needed to be some possible jeopardy ahead for this character, and there isn’t, really. We have a lot of talk about the need to fix bugs and shutting down the project, but not what that means to her. We end the chapter peacefully going off to dinner. I would have stopped reading at that point, if not before, when wading through characters.

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[hope101]

I'd definitely turn the page and I agree about the microtension. In one page I'm primed to expect a incompetent, possibly sexist boss, an antagonist coworker, and on top of that "stifling" weather.

I would expect that her upcoming meeting will create some big obstacle, though, and soon.

But keep up the good work. I like the voice a great deal.

[Lexi Revellian]

I found Gargi's first paragraph too concentrated to read easily. I felt she'd tried too hard with it - something we all tend to do.

I'd have preferred a slightly more relaxed approach.

[William Falo]

The prospect of telling me I’d been nominated for the Whiz-kid of the Year must’ve ruffled him, for he’d refrained from cramming his stream-of-consciousness sentences into the subject line, which he was wont to do.

This is a long sentence. Is this correct?

was wont to do?

[C. King]

I would turn the page, but it wasn't a slam dunk for me. I think the story was interesting enough, but some of the word choices (wont, missive) threw me off. The length of the second sentence was also a bit much for me in an opening paragraph.

I enjoyed the interplay between Vik and Nils--I'd keep reading just to find out more about their relationship.

[Gargi]

Thanks for the comments, everyone. I am in the process of revising this so will take all the feedback into consideration while rewriting.