Flogometer for DL. Would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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DL’s first 16 lines:

Today was the day, he could just feel it.

Brady Jones was an eternal optimist and he told himself the same thing every morning. Deep down he knew that most of the time it was simply lip service; a way of building his confidence and reminding him that on any given day his life could change for the better. The change didn’t have to be anything earth shattering; nowadays his expectations were set pretty low.

This morning was different though, he actually believed his own pep talk. He sensed an added confidence surging through him, fueled by a combination of things. First, it was already May and the end of the school year was just a couple weeks away. That meant he was running short on time, and with it the number of opportunities available to him. He always performed better when on a deadline. Second, his daily horoscope on Facebook this morning read: Some recent quandaries regarding romance look set to develop today. There’s definitely the suggestion in the planets that someone new and exciting will fire you up. That sounded promising. Finally, and most importantly, his complexion was the clearest it had been in weeks, and his unruly black hair was actually being cooperative.

Standing in front of a full length mirror propped against the wall next to his closet, Brady stared vacantly at his reflection. He shook his head and removed the black AC/DC t-shirt he was (snip)

Maybe it’s just me this morning, but I wasn’t compelled
Good, clear writing, for sure. Maybe if I were a teenage boy still going through daily angst, I would have wanted to go on, but this spurt of introspection laced with “telling” just didn’t hook me. There’s dramatic action to follow, including a guy in the school hallway who, the way the chapter ends, kills this boy. (If that’s the case, I have to wonder why we spend a whole chapter with him. But the book could have gone paranormal, so I can’t really judge.) Later we learn that he and his mother are using false identities, but not why. In other words, all the interesting elements are on later pages, with no clear hooks here that link to them. Notes:

Today was the day, he could just feel it. (I did like this first line. It promises story to come.)

Brady Jones was an eternal optimist and he told himself the same thing every morning. Deep down he knew that most of the time it was simply lip service; a way of building his confidence and reminding him that on any given day his life could change for the better. The change didn’t have to be anything earth shattering; nowadays his expectations were set pretty low. (The clause I cut in the opening sentence was the author telling us something, not the boy experiencing it. The second half of the sentence was more like showing us.

This morning was different though, he actually believed his own pep talk. He sensed an added confidence surging through him, fueled by a combination of things. First, i It was already May and the end of the school year was just a couple weeks away. That meant he was running short on time, and with it the number of opportunities available to him. He always performed better when on a deadline. Second, And his daily horoscope on Facebook this morning read: Some recent quandaries regarding romance look set to develop today. There’s definitely the suggestion in the planets that someone new and exciting will fire you up. That sounded promising. Finally, and m Most importantly, his complexion was the clearest it had been in weeks, and his unruly black hair was actually being cooperative. (Seems like too much detail and telling here. And I don’t respond well to lists in what should be a dramatic narrative, and I don’t think other readers do either. Is he really thinking all this, or is the author telling us stuff? Since his focus this day is asking a girl out to a date, the first line of the horoscope works, but the second half of this long bit didn’t seem that necessary, unless it’s an ironic foreshadowing if being attacked. Lastly, “unruly” hair—watch out for using language that wouldn’t be likely used by the POV character. A boy would be far more likely to think “messy” instead of “unruly.”)

Standing in front of a full length mirror propped against the wall next to his closet, Brady stared vacantly at his reflection. He shook his head and removed the black AC/DC t-shirt he was ( A tiny language thing—“removed” sounds formal, and again not the way a teen boy would say it. “Took off” or “pulled off” would be more like it. Keep it simple.)(snip)

The writing is clear, and there's a story waiting. Do we really need to watch this boy fuss over which shirt to wear, which is the most dramatic thing that happens in the first page? On the second page, he suffers the onset of a panic attack that promises trouble, but will a reader ever get there? Why not start with that, and then get positive about the day? Keep at it, but get to it!

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[kathy]

I would turn the page. I liked the voice behind the character, but the information being giving was not that interesting. I'm hoping that there is some reason for this characters self doubt, and I wanted to know what.

[Norm]

While I liked the voice of the character, the review in the mirror said the writer could be inexperienced and might use more cliches.

Good strong voice. It has real potential.

[Kami]

Like others who've commented, I really like the voice. What made it a no for me was that after he felt like everything really would be different, he looked in the mirror. I need the story to take off where the mirror-viewing begins. Other than that, I liked how this began. So far so good!