Flogometer for Chris--would you turn the page?

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In July I’m doing a workshop at the Mendocino Coast Writers Conference It's in lovely Mendocino, California, July 30 through August 2. I'm doing my Killer First Page workshop there, plus private editing sessions. The workshop is like a live version of what we do here, and writers find it to be fun and educational.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Chris’s first 16 lines:

He was not alone.

He ran over plains of cracked earth and vast stretches of dunes. He ran past cactus and brittlebush and old, dried bones. He ran through sandstorms and scorching heat and cool, night breezes. Still he could not outrun them.

The Sixty Six followed him at a distance in a disciplined formation. They moved with unnatural speed and grace, leaving barely a mark on the sands to indicate their passing. The sun beat down unrelenting, making them appear like the shadow of a knife behind him.

The ragged armor that clung to his bones creaked and groaned with the force of his stride. Rivers of sweat ran along the wrinkles in his leathered face, quickly dried by the fierce, arid winds. His lips were pale and caked with blood; his lungs burned as he took in great gulps of hot air.

Fear gripped his insides, but he did not stop.

Reaching a marker that only he could see, he switched direction, veering sharply to his left. Moments later he altered his course again and angled back to his right. Though many in number, his pursuers moved according to his lead as if they were the tail of a black snake, twisting and turning and shifting in practiced unison.

They were toying with him. Although his pace rivaled that of a fast horse, they showed no hint of (snip)

Yep, I turned this page.
In a style appropriate for epic fantasy, with clear disciplined writing, Chris created tension and raised story questions. The point of view is distant much of the time, and the man is never named in the chapter, possibly because he is killed. I suggest that you try it with a name—I think you should strive to have us care about this man a little, and giving him a name personalizes him. You could also slip in the stakes, what might happen if he fails in his escape. Both of those things will help involve the reader more deeply. A few notes:

He was not alone.

He ran over plains of cracked earth and vast stretches of dunes. He ran past cactus and brittlebush and old, dried bones. He ran through sandstorms and scorching heat and cool, night breezes. Still he could not outrun them.

The Sixty Six followed him at a distance in a disciplined formation. They moved with unnatural speed and grace, leaving barely a mark on the sands to indicate their passing. The sun beat down, unrelenting, making them appear like the shadow of a knife behind him. (“disciplined formation” is “telling,” and doesn’t give a picture. Show us. For example: . . .followed him at a distance, their ranks tight, never breaking formation. If they move with unnatural speed, then our pursued man does too, right? Maybe this is the time to show that instead of later, i.e. with unnatural speed, matching his pace, the speed of a fast horse. Just a thought.)

The ragged armor that clung to his bones creaked and groaned with the force of his stride. Rivers of sweat ran along the wrinkles in his leathered face, quickly dried by the fierce, arid winds. His lips were pale and caked with blood; his lungs burned as he took in great gulps of hot air. (The description of his lips as pale is a step back from close third person pov, but this is often the case in fantasy. Still, I think it could be stronger if we were more in his experience. For example: seems to me that the facts that his lips are pale isn’t necessary, but the blood is. What if, instead of this description from outside, he licked his lips and tasted blood?)

Fear gripped his insides, but he did not stop.

Reaching a marker that only he could see, he switched direction, veering sharply cut to his left. Moments later he altered his course again and angled back to his right. Though many in number, his pursuers moved according to his lead as if they were the tail of a black snake, twisting and turning and shifting in practiced unison. (the “switch direction” is telling, and there’s no need for it. I suggest “cut” instead of “veered sharply” to avoid the adverb. The second cut is to keep the action crisper. “Though many in number” is vague and abstract; why not a number? For example: Though a hundred strong, his pursuers moved…etc.)

They were toying with him. Although his pace rivaled that of a fast horse, they showed no hint of (snip)

Nicely done, Chris, and thanks for sending your work. If anything, I’d go through the manuscript looking for examples of telling as pointed out and look for ways to create the experience of the character.

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Liz]

Nice job, Chris! :)

I would definitely turn the page myself. I am a fan of epic fantasy, and this is interesting enough to keep me going. I do agree that a name is nice. It is difficult to assign details to an anonymous figure, at least for me.

[Lexi Revellian]

I'd have turned the page.

The four initial sentences starting with 'He' - if this is intentional, I don't think it works. If it's a word echo, check your entire typescript; you've probably done it many times over.

[Cat]

Nice job! You created some great imagery. I'm not sure I would have turned the page, however, and here's why. The first line is "telling" and not really accurate. I think your hero is very much alone. He's on his own against the Sixty Six with no hope of getting away. He can't outrun them, yet they are not trying to overtake him. Give us a sense of what will happen to him when his strength gives out so we share his terror of his pursuers.

Also, your line, fear gripped his insides didn't really work for me because again you're telling us how he feels.

Good luck!

[JRTomlin]

Although this is interesting enough to turn the page, I'd do it with some hesitation. This has a dated feel to it. I to some degree have to disagree with Ray, which I don't often do. This is how epic fantasy USED to be written. It now generally uses a close PoV. Take a look at GRR Martin or Brandon Sanderson, for example. You still find the more distant perspective some, but more and more, it feels old-fashioned.

So, you'd have to pull me in fast after I turned that first page or down it would go.

Just a slightly different take on it. :)

[hope101]

I loved the imagery and the level of detail, and I certainly had a sense of conflict and stakes in this piece, so good job on that.

But, I'd suggest you watch your pacing. Over the course of the page, there was really no escalation of events or revelations. Just like a non-stop chase scene in a movie can be a big yawn, this will lose its urgency for me if it doesn't shift quickly.

[Chris]

Thanks to everyone for your comments. I will definitely make changes based on the suggestions here. This is the prologue to my novel, so the distant POV becomes a very close POV in all the chapters that follow. The chase scene ends soon after the first 16 lines, so hopefully the pacing holds interest. Thanks again to you all, and to Ray.