The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.
Zoë’s first 16 lines.
I moved onThe events surrounding my death are still vague in my memory. In truth I remember only this; atop ragged cliffs, squinting out at the boundless ocean with the trenchant wind tearing at my clothes and hair, I leaned over the precipice, craving death. As I plunged downwards, the relief was both instant and absolute.
When I awoke, cold and alone on the sharp rocks below, I knew I was dead. My body was not broken, but I felt the absence of both breath and heartbeat the same way I would have sensed the absence of a limb.
That relief I had felt as my body turned over and over in space, speeding towards the rocks on which I now lay, was gone. Gone the way only things that are lost forever can be gone. Regret consumed me as the awareness of what I had done wrapped itself around me like a shroud. Offering neither solace nor the peace I had craved, eternity yawned before me.
# # #No one noticed me at my funeral. I watched the small group gathered around my grave as they listened disinterestedly to a soft-voiced funeral director. I balked at his cookie-cutter eulogy. The short, simple ceremony reflected nothing of who I had been.
The ache that had begun the moment I awoke in my dead body churned within me, (snip)
Story got me to turn the page—it’s interesting to learn about death. But there was a clarity issue that nearly stopped me, and it wasn’t cleared up later in the chapter, either. While the writing is quite sound, for this reader it was a little “more” than I would have liked. Not exactly overwritten, but taking the long way there at times. I think it could be tighter.
We’re talking about voice here, both the writer’s and the
character’s. As an editor, I respect voice, and help writers to make
the most of theirs. But I also let them know the consequences of the
choices they make. In this case, the formal nature of the narrative
suggests a period in the past, when writing and speech was more formal.
Is this what the writer intends? Does this voice reflect a contemporary
young woman? Some notes:
The events surrounding my death are still vague in my memory.
In truthI remember only this; atop ragged cliffs, squinting out at the boundless ocean with the trenchant wind tearing at my clothes and hair, I leaned over the precipice, craving death. As I plunged downwards, the relief wasbothinstant and absolute. (A thought on the opening sentence: “The events surrounding” is a formal, distant phrase. Would the narrative lose anything if, instead, it said: My death is still vague in my memory. Does that make it more personal, closer?)When I awoke, cold and alone on the sharp rocks below, I knew I was dead. My body was not broken, but I felt the absence of both breath and heartbeat the same way I would have sensed the absence of a limb.
That relief I had felt as my body turned over and over
in space, speeding towards the rockson which I now lay, was gone. Gone the way only things that are lost forever can be gone. Regret consumed me astheawareness of what I had done wrappeditselfaround me like a shroud. Offering neither solace nor the peace I had craved, eternity yawned before me.
# # #No one noticed me at my funeral. I watched the small group gathered around my grave as they listened disinterestedly to a soft-voiced funeral director. I balked at his cookie-cutter eulogy. The short, simple ceremony reflected nothing of who I had been. (Here’s where the confusion set in for me. It seemed like she was still “in” her body after the fall, yet here she is at her funeral, presumably with her body inside a coffin. Since a body can’t be in two places at once, she must be a ghost or spirit of some sort, but that’s not at all what the second paragraph says—she’s in a dead body there. This needs to be clarified. I thought at first she was a vampire because she stayed in the body, but that’s not the case. Other notes: “small” is a conclusion word that doesn’t actually show anything because it’s a relative term. It wouldn’t hurt to be specific—why not specify a half-dozen, or a dozen, or nine? The adverb “disinterestedly” is also a fakir trying to describe—show us, i.e. gazes wandering, scratching at itches, etc. Help us witness it, and draw our own conclusions.)
The ache that had begun the moment I awoke in my dead body churned within me, (snip) (Again a reference to being “in” her dead body, but she’s not in it now. How come?)
Comments, anyone?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Your generosity helps defray the cost of hosting FtQ.
Public floggings available. If I can post it here,
- send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
- Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2009 Ray Rhamey
Loved this! I even liked the voice as is. However, I'm with Ray in getting confused over the funeral scene (and the suggestion to show their disinterest). When I read that no one noticed her, I'm thinking in terms of a ghost or presence. But then she says she's in her dead body, which would be in the coffin, in the grave. So I'm a bit lost because she can't be both places.
Posted by: Darla | May 22, 2009 at 06:59 AM
I really liked this. I thought that the writing was clear and beautiful, and the story interested me enough to want more.
Posted by: Jessica | May 22, 2009 at 07:43 AM
I turned the page because the idea of the death and ghost (or whatever she is) is interesting. But what is the conflict in the story. She's dead, so now what? Does she just drift around?
Hopefully, the conflict shows up in the first few pages because the voice is intriguing.
Posted by: KathyF | May 22, 2009 at 08:44 AM
I would have turned the page, but I also had a moment of confusion about what form the recently deceased narrator was in: body, spirit, vampire or other. I assumed he/she "woke" in the body because that would be the logical starting point from which the spirit would then separate at the moment of death. After I thought about it for a minute it made sense to me, though it needs to be clarified.
I don't mind the use of "small" in this case. If you'd been talking about the size of the coffin it would raise questions that would slow me down, e.g. was the narrator a child, but here I just picture a few people and move on with the story. That said, however, if the funeral scene is going to continue and involve the individuals present, I'd want more specifics.
Just curious, Ray, does anyone who's been critiqued here ever write to say their story's been published? I read so many interesting story beginnings here, I'd love to compare the one of these roughs with its published piece.
Anyway, I hope you continue, Zoe, I'd love to read more!
Posted by: scubagirl6 | May 22, 2009 at 08:47 AM
I know for sure of one person who, after making revisions prompted by her "flogging," did go on to be published. Her initial sample is one of the examples in the Workout section of my new book, and includes a word from her agent about it.
Posted by: Ray Rhamey | May 22, 2009 at 09:25 AM
I liked this, but the misuse of 'disinterested' irritated and took me out of the story.
Writers should be precise with language.
Posted by: Lexi Revellian | May 23, 2009 at 10:02 AM
I'd have passed on this one. I love reading about concepts of life after death, and I thought the wording was quite beautiful in places. This character just doesn't grab me. She's too remote (was that the point, since she was a suicide?), so I almost understood why the funeral was so impersonal. Where is the unique voice of this character? Why should we care if she died if no one else in her life cared either in the end?
I was also confused by what state the character is in. I, too, thought vampire at first, but...If s/he's in her body, how would she have seen the funeral party? If she's in her body, of course no one would have noticed her at her funeral (she's in the freakin' box). Did she pop out of her body at death then pop back in when she was buried?
Posted by: RDelaval | June 03, 2009 at 10:39 PM