Flogometer for Michael. Would you turn the page?

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It’s coming! My book is printed and due to be released on Amazon May 8. I’m not sure when it will be orderable from bookstores, and I’ll post that info when available. Pre-orders are now available on Amazon.com, and you can bet there will be a big announcement here when it’s all good to go. I just received an endorsement from agent Donald Maass that I’ll share then.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Michael’s first 16 lines (YA fantasy):

High up in a dark tower of his castle, Neckrofaltus paced in his study, mulling over the news that had reached him. His second and fifth espionage detachments had each reported the incident independently, increasing its credibility. The occurrence could still be rumor, but a potential element of Prophecy warranted further investigation.

Hurried footsteps followed by a nervous "Lord Sovereign?" disturbed his thoughts.

"What is it?"

Laertoe halted abruptly, triggering an angry hiss from the asp that had been comfortably curled about his neck.

"Lord Sovereign, please excuse Wirmveld. He's a bit..."

Neckrofaltus raised a hand to interrupt. "What is it?"

"Lord Sovereign, I have news of a boy who triggered a Summoning," his Chief Deputy began, "and he was but twelve cycles old."

"Really?" Neckrofaltus feigned surprise. "And what possible interest could I have with such news?"

Dabbing a cloth to his glistening forehead, Laertoe took a breath.

"Well, uh, it may be just a rumor, but isn't such an event foretold by the Prophecy?"

I turned the page, but . . .
There were enough story questions and hints of an interesting fantasy world to get me to move to the next page, but there are craft issues that I think could use some work. Notes:

High up in a dark tower of his castle, Neckrofaltus paced in his study, mulling over the disturbing news that had reached him. His second and fifth espionage detachments had each reported the incident independently, increasing its credibility. The occurrence It could still be rumor, but a potential element of Prophecy warranted further investigation. (I think there should be some hint that the news means trouble ahead—it’s an opportunity to create tension right away. I chose disturbing, but it could be unsettling, bad, black, or one of any number of other adjectives.)

Hurried footsteps followed by a nervous "Lord Sovereign?" disturbed his thoughts. (Need some visual help, some staging here. Apparently a servant enters, but we never see that happen. We hear footsteps and then the fellow halts abruptly. Does he enter behind Neckro and Necrkro turns? Let us see, just a little, what’s happening.)

"What is it?" (Not sure this needs to be a separate paragraph. If you add an action beat after hearing the footsteps to see the entrance of Laertoe, this dialogue could conclude that paragraph—and save you a valuable line space.)

Laertoe halted abruptly, triggering an angry hiss from the asp that had been comfortably curled about his neck. (Here we have adverbs trying to do the work of description, but only telling, as they are wont to do when hooked up with a verb. Rather than halting, would bowing or saluting show more about these people?)

"Lord Sovereign, please excuse Wirmveld. He's a bit -- "(Show an interruption with an em dash, not ellipses [in typing, two hypens])

Neckrofaltus raised a hand to interrupt. "What is it?" (“to interrupt” is telling, and not needed as it is shown by the interruption of the previous speech and his gesture.)

"Lord Sovereign, I have news of a boy who triggered a Summoning," his Chief Deputy began said, "and he was but twelve cycles old."

"Really?" Neckrofaltus feigned surprise. "And what possible interest could I have with such news?" (“feigned surprise” is telling. Try to show it. Thought-starter: Neckrofaltus raised his brows to make Laertoe think the news was a surprise to him -- it was good to keep his minions guessing.)

Dabbing a cloth to his glistening forehead, Laertoe took a breath. "Well, uh, it may be just a rumor, but isn't such an event foretold by the Prophecy?" (Repetition of "rumor" isn't strong craft. Look for a synonym such as "gossip." Separating this dialogue from the action beat in a new paragraph cost you a line on the first page, and was unnecessary in this case.)

Good storytelling in the making here, but on your rewrite focus on craft issues such as these. Good start, Michael.

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[kathy]

I would turn the page. The story was interesting.

Such small comments by Ray really do make a big difference.

"Neckrofaltus raised a hand to interrupt. "What is it?" (“to interrupt” is telling, and not needed as it is shown by the interruption of the previous speech and his gesture.)"

Digest them and read the story again. Trimming can bring a lot of action to a story.

[Lexi Revellian]

I'd delete the 'up' in the first sentence. It's hanging around, twiddling its fingers and not accomplishing anything.

The names - Neckrofaltus and Laertoe - had me wondering if everyone's name was going to include a body part. Elbownius? Skardrankle?

[Hyaline]

The story sounds interesting, but the names kind of threw me. I know, it's somewhat minor, but I wasn't sure if they were supposed to be taken seriously or as parody, which threw me off on how to read the story. Please feel free to disregard, just my opinion! Regardless, I'm curious to see what happens next!

[Brutal]

Ray suggested: “ High up in a dark tower of his castle, Neckrofaltus paced in his study, mulling over disturbing news. His second and fifth espionage detachments had reported the incident independently, increasing its credibility. It could still be rumor, but a potential element of Prophecy warranted further investigation.”

Ray did a lot to clean this up, but because of the way it’s worded I still don’t understand what you mean. You need to simplify the message. For example.

Neckrofaltus paced his study, located in highest tower of his castle. News, curried to him by two independent sources, worried him. Of course (so and so’s death or what’s his name’s birth) could be rumor, but the story was to close to prophecy to be dismissed.

“Page,” he called.

“Yes sire?” the man bowed.

“Send a message to the second and fifth espionage detachments. I want this verified.”

“As you wish,” the page cleared his throat.

“Laertoe would like a word, if it pleases my lord. …”

Okay, so now for a couple quick notes. By rewording this to independent sources, you’re read is now able to take the leap that it’s more reliable and you don’t have to say it. I added a page. Obviously you don’t have to do that, but by dispatching the spy’s to verify the rumor, you create a sense of urgency which the original lacks. It also allows you to bring Laertoe. However in the original you put Laertoe to work clarifying paragraph one and informing us about the prophecy. He needs more depth, but there are many ways to accomplish your purpose. In this work I’d suggest that Laertoe appear to be worried and you can even drop hints that Laertoe is not to be trusted. Example:

“My liege,” Laertoe bowed, but not nearly as low as he should. “There is a rumor. A boy not yet twelve years triggered a Summoning …”

“I know,” said Neckrofaltus. “Wirmveld sent you.”

Laertoe bowed, lower this time but held his tongue. And rightly so. The asp his neck hissed. Neckrofaltus studied his chief deputy. Unfortunately titles don’t always buy allegiance and if the boy was one foretold in prophesy… No matter, the man would learn his place soon enough.

“I dispatched the second and fifth espionage detachments. They’ve confirmed only rumor. The Summoning was premature.”

Okay, so this isn’t what you have in mind and that’s okay. Notice the lack adverbs and how simple the sentence are- how clearly they convey meaning. Whatever your plans are for this story, this is what you need to do.

[Mike]

Thank you all for your helpful comments. They are much appreciated.