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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.
Which works, prologue, chapter, or both? First, the first 16 lines of Marcel’s prologue.
His last footstep was awkward.
Roland Tidwell squints at his Bvlgari watch in an attempt to focus on the hands behind the polished crystal. He sighs as he takes in the burnt sienna sunset over the Great Salt Lake from his backyard high in the foothills of the Wasatch Mountains. Only a downpour could rid the valley of the inversion layer, but for now, the smog was imparting an intense color to the evening sky. He scans the guests dotting his lawn.
Attorneys and politicians have gathered around the fountain. They are shaking hands, patting each other’s backs and baring bleached smiles. Along the fence, print and television people are mingling, confabulating while they search the distinguished crowd for tomorrow’s headline. The civil servants are huddled next to the pond. Yap, yap, yap. They do what comes naturally.
A hazy glow—a yellowish hue dipping into the green spectrum—form a halo around the patio lights. Damn this new medication. He considers checking the listed side effects and calling his doctor. Well, maybe tomorrow morning. His eyesight will get better. It has to. After all, it is his birthday.
His Italian loafers feel like cinder blocks as he staggers away from the stone ring where (snip)
Now for the first 16 lines of Chapter 1.
For me, no on the prologue, yes for the chapterNews travels fast.
While I was moonlighting at Primary Children’s ER, an odd thing happened in the examination room. I was tending to a twelve-year-old girl with a broken arm—courtesy of her scumbag father—when he “slipped,” jaw-smack against the edge of a gurney. The impact zapped his short-term memory clear into last week. Well, for a few hours at least. I know. I treated him too.
That was the tale I told the hospital staff at the pediatric hospital. My swollen knuckles, the ones that had connected with solid mandibular bone, told a different story. I’d kept them hidden inside the abyss of my lab coat pockets.
The dirtbag’s account? Like I said: forebrain, midbrain, hindbrain—all essentially mush.
That was six hours ago. Though I was still rattled by what had happened, I stood my ground in the hallway of the University Hospital ER where I worked full-time. I studied the approaching man with a touch of apprehension. He flashed a worn Salt Lake City PD badge. A surge of Old Spice wafted by and was soon soured by a tidal wave of rank sweat. The bags under his eyes told me that he hadn’t slept much. Join the club.
To this reader, the prologue lacked tension. That, and the strange switch of tense from past to present after the first sentence. While the writing is nice and the voice is interesting, nothing much happens except description. The point-of-view character eventually collapses and dies, but I’d have never gotten there.
The chapter works much better for me. I like the voice, and I like the character—I’m immediately on the side of someone who defends children. And a good story question is raised—what does the cop want? I was willing to turn the page to find out.
For the chapter, I don’t think the opening line is useful because we
don’t know what he’s talking about, which is seeing the copy walk
toward him. I’d cut it. In the first paragraph, the last part of the
second sentence
If I were Marcel, I'd cut the prologue and start with the chapter. I got the sense that we didn't really need to know what the prologue offered.
Comments, anyone?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Your generosity helps defray the cost of hosting FtQ.
Public floggings available. If I can post it here,
- send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
- Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2009 Ray Rhamey
I liked the chapter beginning better than the prologue. It had more tension, more story questions. It introduced a protagonist that I identified with and admired.
I liked the description in the prologue, and the style of writing (except for the tense-shift after the first line; you might consider keeping it all in past tense). But the *content* of the first chapter was what made me want to continue reading.
Posted by: Jessica | May 29, 2009 at 07:15 AM
I didn't like the prologue at all - present tense and too much description, and not very interesting.
But the first chapter grabbed me, and opened up all sorts of interesting possibilities. Should the doctor have assaulted the man (understandable as his feelings were)? Had the cop come to arrest him, and if not, what had he come for? I wanted to find out more about the protagonist.
Posted by: Lexi Revellian | May 29, 2009 at 08:14 AM
Didn't much care for the prologue. Loved the first paragraph. Got lost in paragraph two. What happened? Who's en talking to? Hospital staff doesn't feel like someone who works in a hospital. It feels distant, removed.
We have the MC moonlighting and working full time. Moonlighting implies something temporary. For clarity sake I think you need to choose one.
I was still lost in the third paragraph. Didn't know why the cop was there. The voice is really good but the sequence of events is hard to follow.
"That was six hours ago," makes me think this is back story inching toward present tense. I think you should stick with past tense. I'd also suggest handling the time issue a little differently (unless the whole book happens in six hours) because at some point events have to catch up to "now". Example: That happened at at noon. At six the cop arrived. I was still rattled, but stood my ground. He flashed a worn Salt Lake City PD badge...
Posted by: Brutal | May 29, 2009 at 08:46 AM
I said no to both. The prologue is too distant. For me, omniscient and omnipresent watcher brings no empathy.
No empathy is what stopped me on the first chapter too. If I can't empathize with the character, I can't journey with him. We're told the father's a "scumbag." There wasn't enough there to let me share the protagonist's feelings. Why not call the police? Child abuse investigation is their business. I need more before I can empathize with vigilantism.
Posted by: Norm | May 29, 2009 at 02:45 PM
The prologue is not getting a good response from my critique group either. You've cemented what I have to do with it.
Thanks Ray and fellow floggers.
Posted by: Marcel | May 30, 2009 at 01:13 AM