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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.
Kaycee’s first 16 lines:
I turned the pageSarshyn started it.
On the way home after sword training, he poked an orange elbow into Aria’s ribs. “I bet we’re ready to join the army don’t you?” He swished his sword in a crazy series of swirls and zigzags that made no real defense or attack, and she laughed.
“Not with sword play like that. Besides, these practice blades aren’t even sharp.”
He pretended to pout. “You always spoil my fun.”
Aria grinned and brought her sword down on his wrist with a loud smack. His glow flashed a deep red and returned to its usual shade of sunset orange as he rubbed the welt she left behind.
“If you really wish to fight, then I challenge you to a duel!” she said in her best impression of their swordplay instructor, and stepped back. Settling her weight evenly on both feet, she brought her sword up as Kyrlan had taught them, and waited for Sarshyn’s response with a smirk on her face. He mirrored her stance.
“I accept, and the winner decides the loser’s punishment.”
His fire Guide made him easier to upset than Duendes Guided by earth, water or wind (snip)
The writing is basically crisp and clean, and the “micro-tension” of their play duel was enough to bring me forward. But I think there are opportunities to sharpen it, and there was some confusion about “Guides.” A tiny bit more scene-setting would have increased my interest, too—I think that these folks are faerie, partly because they and their folk live in a big tree. If there’s a way to hint at more of that, it would add. Some notes:
Sarshyn started it.
On the way home after sword training, he poked his
anorange elbow into Aria’s ribs. “I bet we’re ready to join the army, don’t you?” He swished his sword in a crazy series of swirls and zigzags that made no real defense or attack, and she laughed.“Not with sword play like that. Besides, these practice blades aren’t even sharp.”
He pretended to pout. “You always spoil my fun.” (I know what you intend by “pretended to pout,” but a pout is a pout, so how do you show that he’s not really pouting instead of pretending to? Perhaps something like: A little grin spoiled his fake pout.)
Aria grinned and
broughtsmacked her sword down on his wristwith a loud smack. His glow flashed a deep red and returned to its usual shade of sunset orange as he rubbed the weltsheleft by the bladebehind. (Just a suggestion or two for tightening and clarity.)“If you really wish to fight, then I challenge you to a duel!” she said in her best impression of their swordplay instructor, and stepped back. Settling her weight evenly on
bothher feet, she brought her sword upas Kyrlan had taught them,and waited for Sarshyn’s response with a smirk on her face. He mirrored her stance. (Unless the instructor’s name is important, this is an unnecessary detail. The “smirk on her face” is a little bit of a step away from her close point of view—stated this way, it’s more of something seen than done. I would suggest something more active. Thoughtstarter: She taunted him with a smirk. More than that, with trimming the narrative as suggested, you could work in a little of their environment. For example (if they are barefooted), a thoughtstarter: Settling her weight evenly on her feet, her toes gripping the bark of the Old One’s wide branch, she brought up her sword.)“I accept, and the winner decides the loser’s punishment.”
His fire Guide made him easier to upset than Duendes Guided by earth, water or wind (snip) (For me, words got tangled here—the “Duendes Guided by earth, water or wind” just didn’t connect with meaning. While this is a meaningful part of this world, I don’t think it’s needed here. For one thing, “Duendes” didn’t mean anything. For another, I think “Guided” should be “guided” here, thus avoiding the confusion of capitals. I’d stick with something more experiential. For example, what about substituting this line from the next page: Little wisps of crimson that matched his hair sliced through the orange glow around his lean body as he raised his sword. Much more provocative for me.)
Nice work, Kaycee. Keep an eye out for tightening, and for places that might be unclear to someone not already imbedded in this world.
Comments, anyone?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
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© 2009 Ray Rhamey
I thought this had a nice element of fun to it. I was a bit thrown by the orange elbow part--more description might have helped (just a tad more, though!) I had a strong feeling that they would soon put their casual, playful sword work to the test in a real, scary fight, and I looked forward to that a lot. Great voice. It might be an idea to try to trust that voice to carry through, and change a few of the vocal/expression cues to more general descriptions of the surroundings, scents, etc. for a more visceral experience.
Posted by: Kami | May 14, 2009 at 07:56 AM
The first sentence threw me off. "Sarshyn started it."
That's classic kid-speak for "it's not my fault", so I believed we were in first person narration and about to hear what had already happened when a longstanding rivalry went a too far. (And with swords this had the potential for someone to actually, finally lose an eyeball. Moohaha.)
But it wasn't until the third sentence that I knew we were settling into third limited, and that we were supposed to be in Aria's head. That could be fixed by making the first sentence something like "Sarshyn started it on the way home from sword practice when he poked Aria in the ribs."
But the bigger problem is that I still don't know what the "it" in the first sentence represents. If I'm right about this being a playfight gone wrong, then I think we need some escalation of the conflict even within the first page. Otherwise this becomes a playful way to
introduce the characters, which is nice. But it just won't hook me.
Posted by: hope101 | May 15, 2009 at 07:40 AM
Aria made me think of Arya from GRRM's Fire and Ice series - you might want to change that name.
Posted by: Joshua | May 15, 2009 at 06:19 PM