Flogometer for Dale. Would you turn the page?

---

Congratulations to Livia on winning a copy of Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells, from Writer Unboxed. Maybe I ought to do that once in a while.

---

Free critiques & conversations with proof of purchase of my book-- a free critique of some pages or a phone conference about writing. Details are on my web site—the free stuff button in the section on Flogging the Quill. I hope you’ll check it out. To order it from Amazon, go here.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

---

Dale’s first 16 lines of a middle-grade story:

JJ felt the heat on the soles of his feet intensify, even as the ever-thinning air grew colder. His thermo-suit popped and rattled, and he felt sure it would disintegrate before he tore free of Earth’s gravity. Sam isn’t going to like this, he thought as the blue sky darkened above him.

He was still being followed, but he dared not look down. The act of turning his head could send him careening off course, causing him to plummet to the surface thirty miles below. The blip on his heads-up display flashed a rhythmic red pulse. The beeping was slowing, so he had built some distance on the robot drones, but he knew they were still there, watching him rocket toward the blackness of space.

His brother, Hamilton, had told him the suit would never hold up under these conditions, but JJ knew Hamilton was just trying to discourage him from trying. “Don’t even consider leaving Earth in the thermo-suit,” he had said. “You will burn up. Then we will have to tell Mother and Father why their youngest son is nothing but a cloud of ash, drifting over the Atlantic.”

“Then why's the suit retrofitted with a second stage booster?” JJ had asked.

“Because,” his sister Sam had interrupted, “some day, we might need it.” She pointed to Hamilton and herself. “In case of an emergency.”

Well, if this wasn’t an emergency, JJ didn’t know what was.

Worked for me
Good, clean writing and opening with an action scene complete with story questions did the job here. Even though there’s some backstory, it’s integrated with and help us understand the action, so that works as well. Notes:

JJ felt the heat on the soles of his feet intensify, even as the ever-thinning air grew colder. His thermo-suit popped and rattled, and he felt sure it would disintegrate before he tore free of Earth’s gravity. Sam isn’t going to like this, he thought as the blue sky darkened above him. (A technical question: I don’t understand why heat would intensify on the soles of his feet. Is he standing on something? That doesn’t seem logical since he’s in a suit of some kind. Is the rocket thrust somehow doing it? There’s a lack of clarity here, and I’m not sure the heat detail helps anyway.)

He was still being followed, but he dared not look down. The act of tTurning his head could send him careening off course, causing him to plummet to the surface thirty miles below. The blip on his heads-up display flashed a rhythmic red pulse. The beeping pulse was slowing, so he had built some distance on the robot drones, but he knew they were still there, watching him rocket toward the blackness of space. (I changed the “bleeping” because the narrative hadn’t established a bleep.)

His brother, Hamilton, had told him the suit would never hold up under these conditions, but JJ knew Hamilton was had just been trying to discouraging him from trying. “Don’t even consider leaving Earth in the thermo-suit,” he had said. “You will burn up. Then we will have to tell Mother and Father why their youngest son is nothing but a cloud of ash, drifting over the Atlantic.” (There were two "trying"s in one sentence, so I eradicated one. I like the “cloud of ash” line. Nicely raises the stakes for JJ.)

“Then why's the suit retrofitted with a second stage booster?” JJ had asked.

“Because,” his sister Sam had interrupted said, “some day, we might need it.” She pointed to Hamilton and herself. “In case of an emergency.” (Actually, Sam doesn’t seem to interrupt anyone. She interjects her comment, if anything, but a plain old “said” works without explaining a dialogue.)

Well, if this wasn’t an emergency, JJ didn’t know what was.

Nice work, and the rest of the chapter developed smoothly and naturally. There are more places that could be tightened as I’ve done in this portion, and care need to be take to keep things clear, but this is a good start.

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

---

Your generosity helps defray the cost of hosting FtQ.

---

Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[D. Robert Pease]

Thanks Ray. I worked really hard on the first sixteen lines of this, following the advice you've given over the years. I guess it paid off.

A few people have stumbled over the heat on the soles of his feet thing, I'll have to clear that up. His suit actually has thrusters on the bottom of the feet.

Thanks again.

[Jessica]

Yes, please!

It was exciting, crisp and clear. I really have nothing to add, except well done!

[hope101]

I'd definitely turn the page. It's not just that you have a character facing big stakes; it's that you made me care about his outcome with this line: "Sam isn't going to like this". (He might die, but even so, he's thinking of his family and demonstrating self-awareness and humour.)

[KathyF]

I turned the page.

I did stumble over the heat on the soles line. Read it twice before I decided to just ignore that I didn't get what it was saying. If I hadn't been intrigued by the genre, I might have stopped reading though. I'm glad you're going to fix that. Thrusters makes more sense. Maybe just say that.

Ray, as usual, has good points on things to clarify or clean up.

Overall, it's nicely written and grabs me. I'd like to see it published. I'd like to read it. And I think my 10 year son would enjoy it.

[RDelaval]

I'd have turned the page. I immediately respect this character: JJ's bold, brave, maybe a little foolhardy?, caring, and quick witted enough to see beyond what he's told (the suit isn't for leaving earth) and what lies in front of him (it has a second stage booster). We know there's tension, a problem he has to face and a reason for it. The writing style is clear and engaging for the age of the target audience (as well as those of us old enough to have given birth to your target audience). Well done, Dale.