Flogometer for Dai. Would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Dai’s first 16 lines. Note: The character <Þ> in alien names is meant to signify a phoneme intermediate between

and

The sea-raider called out in FÞoekÞægh, the lingua Franca of DwoentuÞ Lagoon and its environs. “Hear, man of dirt—give me the female and it will go better for you.”

Altridge managed to keep his return shout steady, partly due to the concentration necessary when speaking an alien language. “So, man of blood—what use for a female of dirt have you?”

He had maneuvered before the grapnel was thrown, keeping the outrigger toward the pirate boat. Waves hissed and slapped in the fifteen feet of water separating him from the muscular bronze humanoid—not distance enough.

The pirate glanced to one side at the audience—his crew—then back. “So: Is there a time when a true man has no need of an additional female?” A few hoots arose behind him. Even on Nova Austrasia it was deemed wise to laugh at the boss’s jokes. Yet the crossbowman beside the chief laughed not, nor did his aim stray from Altridge’s chest.

The pirate continued, “If no use to my lusts, yet might she gain us costly gifts.”

“So:” Altridge hated this tongue, not least due to the need to make each statement a declamation. “Might not I be also the means of gaining you gifts?”

“Hear: The true man lives not by wealth alone, but by deeds of boldness—the quelling of adverse life and the desolation of lands. Yet give up the dirt female—this woman of Earth—and (snip)

I turned the page
Dai’s confident voice promises good writing ahead, and she opens with an action scene in an exotic world, so this reached the level of compelling for me. Dai takes more chances, however, than I would. There are science fiction readers who would enjoy mastering (and then reading for an entire novel) the character “Þ”, but I can’t make my tongue do that, or at least I really can’t figure out how it should sound. For me, making the reader work at any point to take in my story is something I try to avoid.

One little cut I’d make:

Altridge managed to keep his return shout steady, partly due to the concentration necessary when speaking an alien language.

This didn’t seem necessary, and if this is cut then the last line on the first page could have read this way if there’d been room:

Yet give up the dirt female—this woman of Earth—and your death shall be speedy. Thus say I, BahkæÞt.

Raises the stakes and creates a sizeable story question. Now, there are no “rules” that say only 16 lines can go on the first page—that’s just what accepted formatting practice preaches: starting a page one third of the way down. If I can’t get the first page to break in such a way as to keep a provocative line on it, I’ve been known to format with 17 lines on the first page. Who’s counting?

Really nice work, Dai. Good luck with it.

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Liz]

The first paragraph is what threw me. I like invented languages and things, but not with the symbols/characters too complicated for me to even attempt to pronounce it.

I thought, at first, that someone had messed up the formatting. After your first paragraph, I was interested and read the rest of it all the way down. Maybe if you kept only one of those weird names and slipped the other in later--or maybe used a different symbol?

[Therese]

For the first lines I kept thinking I would turn the page to find out what a 'female of dirt' is. Then, in the last line, I found out--a woman from Earth--so I didn't feel the need to. The dialogue sounded stilted to me and the strange character looked like a formatting error (although it also looks familiar, though I'm not sure where I've seen it before).

I think this is a story I COULD be interested in (worldbuilding and tension are obvious on the first page), but the prose was hard for me to get through.

[hope101]

I'm not a big SF/Fantasy reader either, but the symbols in the first paragraph threw me and made me worry it would be a lot of work to get into your world.

That aside, I think you've started at the right place in the story: high stakes, action, a hero we're seeing as being heroic from the first page.

Just make it a little more approachable and I think you'd be golden.

[KathyF]

I like the genre, but I didn't turn the page because it would take me awhile to get used to the prose. A bit too difficult for me.

I could deal with reading the dialogue as written. But I would prefer the narrative sentences to be easier to read. They seem more in the same (translated) language as the diagloue.

One sentence, in particular, puzzled me.
"Waves hissed and slapped in the fifteen feet of water separating him from the muscular bronze humanoid—not distance enough." Do you mean not distant enough? Or not enough distance?

I think the other reason that this opening did not grab me is that I like to know more about the main character's motive. As in what they want, are looking for, etc. Not just that they are trying to avoid being killed.

That's certainly important, but this read (to me) like some person getting caught by pirates and threatened with death (although in a different world). Now, if I knew that the someone needed to deliver the female of dirt to a colony because she was critical to ... and he had to risk the pirates in order to get there in time. Or something about his purpose in being in a dangerous area in the first place.

I hope my comments are not discouraging because I intend them only so you can know why I didn't turn the page. And I hope for your success.

[Dai Alanye]

Thanks, folks. I always find the critique and comments useful, so don't hesitate to pour it on.

In order to make Blood and Earth (evocative title, no?) easier to read, I've decided to rename the alien "Bob" the language "French" and the lagoon "Lake Michigan." Hope that helps.

;~) Dai

For those who might be interested, here's a link to a site about writing systems of the world.
http://www.omniglot.com/writing/

[Brutal]

"I've decided to rename the alien "Bob" the language "French" and the lagoon "Lake Michigan." Hope that helps."

I'm not sure you're being serious (I suspect sarcastic) but in case your not. If you queried about an Alien named Bob, on a boat maned by french speaking sailors, in the middle of Lake Michigan, I'd think you were writing a comedy, not SF.

Now, onto the comments:

The story is well written. But the form is archaic. Some SF books incorporate this, but you limit your audience and the agents willing to pick it up, and narrow the publishers willing to publish it. Do you really want to limit your book so much?

I stopped at the P symbol and had to force myself to go back and read. Everything in the first sentence is misleading. I expect a place more foreign- the reader gets a lagoon and a boat.

So now for the nits.

The sea-raider called out in French, the language of Lake Michigan. “Hear, man of dirt—give me the female and it will go better for you.”

“So, man of blood—what use for a female of dirt have you?” The foreign language felt strange on Aldridge tongue.

He (the one had here, makes this back story. The story moves better if this action not back story) maneuvered before the grapnel was thrown, keeping the outrigger (pointed???) toward the pirate boat. ( Based on the following sentence I think you mean: Keeping the outrigger out of reach of the grapnel and pointed toward the pirate boat.) Waves hissed and slapped (I don't know what this means) the boats (and we can build tension by driving the boats closer together.) him from the muscular bronze humanoid—not distance enough.( I think you mean "distant" but Iwonder what does one call a muscular bronze humanoid in Lake Michigan? When you introduce a new species sometimes its best to give that species a name and then describe it. )

The pirate glanced to one side at the audience—his crew—then back(Who's the audience- so far we have the Pirate, who may are may not be the bronze creature, and Aldridge. I didn't even know there was a crew till now. I can accept that because most boats have a crew, but an audience. Are we watching a play?)

“So,(comma, lowercase) is there a time when a true man has no need of an additional female?” A few hoots arose behind him.(What do you mean by hoots? Hoots and hollers is an idiom. Breaking it apart makes the meaning of the sentence unclear. Do you mean cat calls, chuckles, laughter, actual hoots- it is SF after all.) Even on Nova Austrasia it was deemed wise to laugh at the boss’s jokes. (This through me because I though we were on Lake Michigan. That aside, you've jumped POV to the crew. I don't know who the MC is though.) Yet the crossbowman beside the chief laughed not (I'd go with; The crossbowmen didn't laugh. Yeah, it's not as cool, but more readers will understand what you mean), nor did his aim stray from Altridge’s chest. (What happened here? Try: He fired an arrow at Altridge's chest)

The pirate continued,(Aldtridge is the pirate? I though he was on the outrigger?) “If no use to my lusts, yet might she gain us costly gifts.”

“So.” Altridge hated this tongue (I thought this said he hated his tongue. Try language. Its so much clearer), not least due to the need to make each statement a declamation.(Yes let me go get my trusty grammar book and look this up. I'm trying to be mean but this a WTF moment. Funky punctuation is worse than the P symbol. I don't want to know the grammatical rules of your language- that's for the book you write about your language after your famous. If you can't show us without telling us, don't use it). “Might not I be also the means of gaining you gifts?”

“Hear, The true man lives not by wealth alone, but by deeds of boldness—the quelling of adverse life and the desolation of lands. Yet give up the dirt female—this woman of Earth—and (snip)

I do like some SF but I probably wouldn't read this. On one hand you've got a well developed world here and there are SF people who will love this. If you're happy with small audience, you can get away with everything I think needs changed. If you want to sell more copies, your going to have to write more colloquial- by colloquial I mean 2009.

[Dai Alanye]

Someone help me out here—is Brutal trying to say she doesn't LIKE my story?

[Ray Rhamey]

Play nice, kids. Take it for what however it helps you. For example, I thought "hoots" was find and perfectly clear. I also enjoyed the part about "a declamation." Reading is so subjective that I'm not sure that "like" or "dislike" is actually meaningful, especially when it comes to criticism. If a commenter points out real clarity issues, that's a good thing. If the differences boil down to "not said the way I would say it," then put those aside.

[Jessica]

I didn't turn the page because the alien phonetic symbols and speech patterns threw me out of the story immediately. This may not bother some people, but it kept me from engaging fully during those critical opening lines.

I do like the imagery and your worldbuilding, though, and it sounds like it's going to be a good story. Best of luck with it.