Flogometer for Cathy redux. Would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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I goofed on Cathy’s submission last week, having overlooked that she’d sent a prologue and a first chapter and didn’t do the comparison thing. So let’s take a look at the first chapter’s first 16 lines:

“I saw heaven standing open, and there before me was a white horse, whose rider is called Faithful and True. With justice he judges and makes war. His eyes are like blazing fire.”

Delah mouthed the words as she read them and pressed her forefinger on the icon located in the middle of her field trip permission slip. Elder’s fuzzy holographic image extended over the digital text on the plasti-tablet. The image repeated: Elder placed a holy sash over a young student.

Satisfied, she pinched the right-hand bottom corner of the clear plasti-permission slip and it rolled up. Delah couldn’t wait to witness her cousin’s ordination – and to share a secret with him.

Her mom had told her to stick close with her class -- that the mall was no place for a nine-year old to be wandering on her own. Delah ignored her classmates and teacher that were at the other end of the walkway. She spotted a section, right ahead of her where she could climb the railing, minus the maintenance droids and the caution holosigns. She’d remembered the last time at the mall she had squeezed a railing with her hands before the shield had pushed her away. That meant it was strong enough to support her weight.

The caution holosign flashed: “Warning - 30 Ft. Drop,” but that made it more exiting, courting danger. Wouldn’t it be fun to climb the rail, extend her arms, and imagine she was flying?

No go for me this time
Maybe it’s just because it’s Monday morning (but agents have Monday mornings, too), but this didn’t reach the level of compelling for me. The long quote in italics was part of it—and it turned out to not impact the story. As you’ll see in the notes, the overwriting is still with us. Some notes, and then a second poll:

“I saw heaven standing open, and there before me was a white horse, whose rider is called Faithful and True. With justice he judges and makes war. His eyes are like blazing fire.” If these words had fairly immediate impact on the action, they would be fine. Or if they had led to something later in the chapter. While including things like this as part of world-building can be fine, I question it at the opening of the chapter.)

Delah mouthed the words as she read them and pressed her forefinger on the icon located in the middle of her field trip permission slip. Elder’s fuzzy holographic image extended over the digital text on the plasti-tablet. The image repeated: Elder placed a holy sash over a young student. (The blue strikeouts go if the first paragraph goes. Details like pressing with a forefinger are, in my view, non-essential and go in to the overwriting category. The reader will fill in the image, so it's really redundant to include a specific finger unless it's vital to understanding.)

Satisfied, she pinched the right-hand bottom corner of the clear plasti-permission slip and it rolled up. Delah couldn’t wait to witness her cousin’s ordination – and to share a secret with him. (Too much detail on the permission slip that doesn’t contribute to story. Overwriting like this accumulates.)

Her mom had told her to stick close with her class -- that the mall was no place for a nine-year old to be wandering on her own. Delah ignored her classmates and teacher that were at the other end of the walkway. She spotted a section, right ahead of her where she could climb the railing, minus the maintenance droids and the caution holosigns. She spotted a section of railing that didn’t have maintenance droids and caution holosigns—she could climb it there. She’d remembered the last time at the mall she had squeezed a railing with her hands before the shield had pushed her away. That meant it was strong enough to support her weight. (First, a quick attempt to straighten out what I thought was a hard-to-parse sentence. And the second bit of backstory/exposition didn’t contribute, I believe. It turns out that this child has non-human strength, but this detail didn’t make that clear.)

The caution holosign flashed: “Warning - 30 Ft. Drop,” but courting danger that. made it more exiting, courting danger. Wouldn’t it be fun to climb the rail, extend her arms, and imagine she was flying? (Now this raises a good story question, but the tension had been pretty much deflated by extra detail before we got here, and it wasn’t enough to push me forward.)

Am I being harsh? I don’t think so—the agents to whom we submit have far less patience than I do. As literary agent Dan Conoway, Writers House, says,

I know most of what I need to know about a writer’s chops in about a line and an half. In the end, it’s all about the writing.

I think it’s a good idea to scour your narrative for verbal flab and get rid of it. Cathy does have an interesting character here (she’s a half-breed human/alien), but really needs to work at trimming away the non-essentials.

Compare this opening with the prologue done the last post and tell Cathy which was stronger—and if you can say why in a comment, that would be helpful.

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES © 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[hope101]

In addition to agreeing with Ray's comments, I really didn't understand the transition from the protagonist reading a permission slip to her risk-taking behavior in the mall. There seemed no logical reason for one to follow the other.

Also, how does she move from reading scripture and anticipating a religious ceremony with enthusiasm, at the start of the passage, to becoming a rule breaker who flaunts authority? IMO, these two facets of personality are mutually contradictory.

Like the world-building, though.

[Kami]

I've seen examples of young children getting themselves into trouble for no reason here and other places before. They're not nearly as compelling as children getting into trouble because they're trying to help someone or protect something or otherwise doing something that makes me think well of them. Harry Potter is a decent kid and that comes through very quickly--he's a good person despite the way he's brought up. The Little Princess is a sweet, unselfish girl who shares and tells stories and has compassion for the underdog--and later becomes one herself. And so on.

In order for me to connect with this girl, I would like to see her doing something compelling that makes her stand out. As it stands, I'm afraid that if she fell and hurt herself, I'd feel badly for her because she's a child, but it's not like she didn't put herself in danger, and I'd be tempted to blame the adults for not keeping a close enough eye on her.

I hope that helps!

[KathyF]

The Prologue was stronger because: 1) the world building was more apparent and stronger; 2) there was intriguing action.

For the chapter, I have to agree with most of the above comments.

The girl wanting to see her cousin's ordination is not interesting to me. Now, maybe if there was more about her half-alien abilities, her secret, and how that affected her cousin - that might work. But you could leave out the whole religious part, have a pressing reason for her to to do what she's doing, and emphasize her alien abilities - and I'm sure I'd turn the page.

[KathyF]

Oh, I forgot to mention that if the religion is supposed to be a significant part of the worldbuilding, then at the beginning, it needs some excitement, something going wrong, or some other reason for me to get caught up in it.

Otherwise, just work it in as background as it's needed.

[Darla]

I didn't turn the page on either of them (too many little things tripped me up in the prologue), but I did find the prologue had more tension than the first chapter and a better sense of what was going on.

In this first chapter, I didn't get the connection to the permission slip and wanting to court danger along with the religious element. If the half alien detail had been more in the focus rather than hinted at as 'a secret', I'd have been more compelled. Also opening with the quote and then the mention of an ordination made me first think we were in a church but then I was jarred to find out we were in a mall.