Flogometer for Richard. Would you turn the page?

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But first, have a laugh today. Check out my book on Authonomy —if you like it, register and back it.

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Update on my book It’s FINALLY going to happen. After struggles in getting the right printer, it’s due to be printed May 1 and available soon after. I’ve signed up with a distributor, and eventually it will be orderable at bookstores. Pre-orders are now possible on Amazon.com
, and you can bet there will be a big announcement here when it’s all good to go. I just received an endorsement from agent Donald Maass that I’ll share then.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Richard has reworked his opening and returned for a second critique. His first 16 lines:

William sat reading a report in his office, the setting sun leaving him in shadow. Turning on the light he threw up his hands at a blinding flash, cowering as shards of glass fell upon him. Brushing the glass from his hair William paused: across the room a blue light was seeping through the edges of the closed door, flowing along the carpet. William faltered as it approached, and then felt it slither over his skin, its touch like ice. He moved toward the door, and reached for the handle, but then stopped, the light gone in the blink of an eye, the darkness somehow more threatening. He opened the door.

A man, maybe eight foot, towered above him, his barrel chest and muscular arms bursting at the seams of a rain coat. His eyes were hidden by a hood, his mouth mangled by two scars forming the shape of a cross. Wet mud covered his boots, but it hadn’t rained today.

‘I’m here to see Mr Prince.’ His voice had the rasp of a heavy smoker.

‘Do you have an appointment?’

‘No.’

William began closing the door. ‘Sorry, Mr Prince doesn’t see anyone unless they have an appointment.’

The man wedged his foot, his gnarled mouth twisted into a grin, and then shoved open the door.

This time it got me.
Although I have some nits to pick at, this is a much improved opening in terms of tension and story questions. The mysterious blue light, in particular, was an excellent addition. The prose still needs thought and work, but some story elements did their job very well. Notes:

William sat reading a report in his office, the setting sun leaving him in shadow. Turning on the light he threw up his hands at a blinding flash, cowering as when shards of glass fell upon him. Brushing the glass from his hair William paused: across the room a blue light was seeping through the edges of the closed door, flowing along the carpet. William faltered as it approached, and then felt it slithered over his skin, its touch like ice. He moved toward the door and reached for the handle, but then stopped, the light gone in the blink of an eye, the darkness somehow more threatening. He opened the door. (Unless the lightbulb exploding and the blinding flash are necessary parts of the coming story (and they don’t seem to be), I’d cut it. Let him realized that he is in shadow, go to the light switch, and then have the light seep under the door. This will grant you more sentences to hook the reader with. On brushing the glass from his hair—I imagined him using his bare hand, and is that realistic? I’d be carefully picking any glass bits from my hair. “blink of an eye” is a clichéd phrase, look for a simple way to do this. [He blinked, and it was gone.] Too many “ing” participles in the narrative for my taste, too.)

A man, maybe eight foot, towered above him, his barrel chest and muscular arms bursting at the seams of a rain coat. His eyes were hidden by a hood, his mouth mangled by two scars forming the shape of a cross. Wet mud covered his boots, but it hadn’t rained today. (Perhaps “eight foot” works for British audiences, but “eight feet tall” would be more clear. Very creepy-looking guy. I don’t think you need the “wet” for the mud—readers will imagine the moist kind unless you say “dried mud,” and the reference to having not rained completes the picture of wet mud. “Bursting at the seams” is a bit of cliché. Showing would be better, i.e. his barrel chest and arms so thick that seams gapped open on the sleeves and chest. . . BTW, he can’t really see that the arms are muscular—they might just be fat. Be careful to use only what your character can reasonably see and know. In this case, the arms are covered with fabric, and he can only note the size, not their makeup.)

‘I’m here to see Mr Prince.’ His voice had the rasp of a heavy smoker.

‘Do you have an appointment?’

‘No.’

William began closing the door. ‘Sorry, Mr Prince doesn’t see anyone unless they have an appointment.’

The man wedged his foot, his gnarled mouth twisted into a grin, and then shoved open the door.

If the lightbulb sequence were gone, we could have also seen that William is thrown across the room by the strength of the shove, and maybe more. This is a case where too much detail robbed the writer of an opportunity to hook us even more.

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Kaycee]

I found the first paragraph a bit slow. Also, there is really no need to repeat the MC's name three times within four sentences. If you just say "he" the reader will know you are still referring to Willliam until you introduce the mysterious large man.

[hope101]

I think what's missing for me is any emotional connection to the main character. What would help is some sense of who he is before the dramatic events unfold, or being privy to his internal dialogue or visceral reaction to the scene. Right now I have a picture in my mind of what's occurring, but I haven't bonded enough to the character to care.

On the positive side, this is definitely more gripping. You just need to add in some layers.

[kathy]

This version is better, however I felt that the main character was distant from the events taking place.
"William began closing the door. ‘Sorry, Mr Prince doesn’t see anyone unless they have an appointment.’"
That line took me out of the scene. I think the character should have displayed more emotion such as fear.
Hope this helps.

[KathyF]

I would turn the page, but there were a few things that could be improved for me.

The description of the cross shaped on the man's mouth made me think he couldn't speak so I was surprised when he did.

I'm still wondering if William is Mr. Prince since William is the one in the office. It doesn't seem like he's the receptionist.

William is way too calm. If he's not frightened (more likely), then I would expect him to be at least angry (although then ducked would be a better word than cowered) so I'm thinking he should be scared.

[Liz]

Interesting.

I was only going to skim, but you caught my attention enough that I kept reading. I would try to use a few more pronouns--that is, "he" instead of William.