Flogometer for Judy. Would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Judy’s first 16 lines:

Krelis sprinted away from the shoreline, although he knew it wouldn’t help. Master Antigonus scheduled an assembly for that evening, and time slipped away from him, again. Salty air burned the young wizard’s lungs as he raced toward the gloomy conservatory. A black robe fluttered around his feet.

Maybe, I’ll make it on time. Vertical lines appeared on his forehead.

Moments earlier, before he even remembered the meeting, Krelis had been lost in the serenity of the beach. He stopped to watch the gliding seagulls. Drifting effortlessly against the orange backdrop of the descending sun, they tucked their wings and dove into the frothy whitecaps. An ocean breeze rolled over the choppy waters, lifting dark hair away from his face as wet sand squished between his toes.

He loved life on the small island located in the Gulf of Redrock. Free from the troubles that plagued the rest of Known World, Krelis and his peers practiced their art uninterrupted.

After his father died the day after his tenth birthday, Krelis believed happiness would forever elude him. Then Antigonus discovered him, drawn by the boy’s innate, magical ability. The master wizard brought him to this island, and Krelis found the lost happiness with his newfound family.

I wasn’t hooked
Despite sound writing about a nicely imagined world, there were “storycraft” shortcomings that left this page unturned, including a lack of tension. There’s a little—the boy might be late for an assembly, but what are the consequences? As I think I’ve mentioned before, the first page always gives clues as to what craft issues might lie ahead, and this one forecasts a degree of overwriting. Notes:

Krelis sprinted away from the shoreline, although he knew it wouldn’t help. Master Antigonus had scheduled an assembly for that evening, and time had slipped away from him, again. Salty air burned the young wizard’s lungs as he raced toward the gloomy conservatory. A black robe fluttered around his feet. (It would help if there were troublesome consequences to being late that could be mentioned. The robe fluttering “around his feet” didn’t work for me. It’s intended to show that it’s long, but the “around” sounded like it wrapped his feet. If he were in danger of tripping on the hem of his robe, that might make the picture more clear.)

Maybe I’ll make it on time. Vertical lines appeared on his forehead. (Does “vertical lines” mean “frowned?” If so, keep it simple. This is a bit of the overwriting I mentioned. Another thing: not only does it take the long way around to describe a frown, the description doesn’t really contribute because the internal monologue does the trick. Another thing: this is a break in point of view from close in the boy’s pov to a distant author’s pov—he can’t see what appears on his forehead. Another thing: internal monologue like this can avoid the italics like this: Maybe he’d make it on time.)

Moments earlier, before he even remembered the meeting, Krelis had been lost in the serenity of the beach. He had stopped to watch the gliding seagulls. Drifting effortlessly against the orange backdrop of the descending sun, they tucked their wings and dove into the frothy whitecaps. An ocean breeze rolled over the choppy waters, lifting dark hair away from his face as wet sand squished between his toes. (While prettily done, this does nothing to advance the story, thus is so many critical first-page lines spent for little gain. A slight point-of-view transgression: since we’re in his close point of view, he wouldn’t be thinking of his hair as being “dark.” This self-descriptive intrusion happens later, too.)

He loved life on the small island located in the Gulf of Redrock. Free from the troubles that plagued the rest of Known World, Krelis and his peers practiced their art uninterrupted. (Nice, but where’s the story? Also, “the toubles” is vague and can’t really mean anything. War, or battle, or some other actual trouble would help, but I think this paragraph could go. This information could be woven in later when Krelis is told of his mission.)

After his father died the day after his tenth birthday, Krelis had believed happiness would forever elude him. Then Antigonus had discovered him, drawn by the boy’s innate, magical ability. The master wizard brought him to this island, and Krelis found the lost happiness with his newfound family. (In my view, the first page is no time to slip into backstory. This suggests that we’re in for an “info dump,” and that pretty much turned out to be true. Also, we slip out of Krelis’s point of view into an omniscient author with the reference to “the boy’s innate magical ability" [no comma needed].)

Judy should definitely keep working; the rest of the chapter, while primarily throat-clearing establishment of a host of characters in a non-threatening scene, promised an interesting world and an interesting story. And it was a lively scene (with bits of overwriting and point of view issues, though). Were I you, Judy, I’d consider starting with a brief scene-setting bit, something like this:

Krelis tensed when Master Antigonus strode into the room, and the chatter from his fellow students around the circular table dropped to a murmur.

And then I’d launch the story with this speech, taken from the very end of your first chapter.

Antigonus held up his hand up, silencing the room. “I brought you to my island for two reasons. The first, I have now accomplished. I promised to teach others talented in magic to be wizards, and you are all finished as my students. Now, it is time to reveal the other reason.”

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Christine H (addicted to FTQ)]

Although I agree that it's overwritten and needs an insertion of tension, I liked this one. I would turn the page for sure.

I'm captivated by the idea of young wizards on an island. And I just love the sentence about the seagulls tucking their wings and diving - that created a compelling image. Whether it needs to be on the first page or not is debatable. But it's a great image.

I'd like to know how old this wizard is. Seven, or seventeen? I would like to know how serious being late for an assembly is - what's the punishment? Does he expect something earth-shattering to be announced? Is he feeling insecure about his status in the Master's eyes?

Does Known World need to be capitalized? I recently read something about how fantasy writers tend to overuse capitalization, which I confess to being guilty of, as well.

Just my two cents. Looking forward to a revision!

[Kami]

I enjoyed the first paragraph. The first hint of trouble was vertical lines. It popped me out of the story and made me think are these literal? A sign of magic he's going to employ to make himself on time?

Slipping into backstory lost me, I'm afraid. There was nothing in the backstory that intrigued me. In fact, because it was (necessarily) rushed and generalized, it made the backstory sound almost identical to many other stories I've read about young people discovered by someone and whisked away to a brighter future. If it was specific and focused, I probably wouldn't have noticed, but that would have required a start back when his father died and he was discovered.

[TereLiz]

The introduction of a young wizard in a hurry appealed to me, but I want to see him arrive sweaty and rumpled and possibly turned into a newt, lol. As others have said, the back story and setting description really put the brakes on your intro.

I think the idea of the young wizard appeals to us all, but maybe if you could find a brief way to show us how he is different from any other young wizards the reader might be familiar with. Something that makes him unique, even if he isn't very powerful or skilled yet, there must be some quality he has besides his dead dad and being a wizard that would endear him to a reader.

[Dai Alanye]

If I could find A Wizard of Earthsea, I'd read it right now to see how LeGuin opens her story, the all-time classic of young wizards on an island.

In fact, it is background and introduction, but so tantalizing as to make the reader turn the page to find out the story.

[judy]

Thank you all for the comments. My first chapter is under reconstruction in hopes to make it a page turner. :)