Flogometer for Jacob. Would you turn the page?

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But first, have a laugh today. Check out my book on Authonomy —if you like it, register and back it.

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Update on my book It’s FINALLY going to happen. After struggles in getting the right printer, it’s due to be printed May 1 and available soon after. I’ve signed up with a distributor, and eventually it will be orderable at bookstores. Pre-orders are now possible on Amazon.com
, and you can bet there will be a big announcement here when it’s all good to go. I just received an endorsement from agent Donald Maass that I’ll share then.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Jacob’s first 16 lines:

The sun was rising over the edge of the plains, casting a grey light through the heavy fog that still hung like heavy velvet over the encampment. The morning air was crisp and cool. The men were just starting to stir, sluggishly dressing for another day of moving at the hellish pace their commanding officer was forcing. For nine days, she had been forcing a march, very much resembling running, without apparent reason. No galloping couriers had approached them, or any half dead messengers bringing a call to arms.

The Lieutenant Colonel, Noxilia, steps out of her tent, already fully dressed and garbed in the light Armor that she was famous for. Reaching up she brushes an errant strand of her shoulder length, burgundy hair out of her face, and calls out to the men “Stop dragging your damn asses’ boys, we’re already miles behind schedule! Eat your breakfast on the move!”

Noxilia mounts up on her Blood Tiger, Malice, and starts moving through the camp. Passing a motionless soldier, she snaps out hard with her riding crop at prompting him to start breaking down his tent. As she reaches the edge of the camp, she looks out over the horizon thinking “Maybe we can get there in time. Maybe I’m not too late to see him.”

The sun begins its ascent over the horizon, slowly starting to dissipate the fog, revealing the endless grasslands they had been trekking through for more than a week. Bleak and harsh it (snip)

I passed on this one
While this opening does raise a story question (why the forced march to see “him?”) and introduces an interesting world where an officer rides a tiger, craft issues signal problems to come and writing that needs work to reach the professional level. The tense shift from past to present after the first paragraph occurs again in the later narrative, going back and forth now and then. Some brief notes:

The sun was rising rises over the edge of the plains, casting a grey light through the heavy fog that stillhung hangs like heavy velvet over the encampment. The morning air wa is crisp and cool. The men were just starting to stir, sluggishly dressing for another day of moving at the hellish pace their commanding officer was forcing forced. For nine days, she had been forcing a march, very much resembling running, without apparent reason. No galloping couriers had approached them, or any half-dead messengers bringing a call to arms. (The repetition of forced/forcing needs to be fixed. I liked the description of the fog.)

The Lieutenant Colonel Noxilia steps out of her tent, already fully dressed and garbed in the light Aarmor that she wa is famous for. Reaching up sShe brushes an errant strand of her shoulder-length, burgundy hair out of her face, and calls out to the men “Stop dragging your damn asses’, boys, we’re already miles behind schedule! Eat your breakfast on the move!” (We’re in Noxilla’s point of view, and she wouldn’t be thinking of the fame of her armor or the length and color of her hair. I know it’s tough to describe a point of view character, and I deal with it in my book, but this isn’t the way to do it.)

Noxilia mounts up on her Blood Tiger, Malice, and starts movingmoves through the camp. Passing a motionless soldier, she snaps out hard with her riding crop at prompting him to start him breaking down his tent. As she reaches the edge of the camp, she looks out over the horizon. thinking “Maybe wethey can get there in time. Maybe I’m she's not too late to see him. (The part about the writing crop was pretty clunky, and needs more time than I can give it to straighten out. I changed the “thought quote” to interior monologue to smooth that out.)

The sun begins its ascent over the horizon, slowly starting to dissipate the fog, revealing the endless grasslands they had been trekking through for more than a week. Bleak and harsh it (snip)

I encourage Jacob to keep at it—he’s got an interesting character and world to explore. But he needs to get more into the moment of Noxilla’s experience, watch his tense and grammar (BTW, it’s “I’ll,” not “ill”), and weave exposition in through her point of view, not from outside.

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[kathy]

Tense was a little confusing.

[Jessica]

I liked this one. The worldbuilding was intriguing, and I really liked the descriptions of the setting. I'd have turned the page.

Although the tense switching was confusing, I disagree with Ray that the answer was putting the story in present tense. This is just my preference as a reader, though. Plenty of agents, editors, and other readers like a well-told present tense story.

Good luck. It sounds like it's going to be an excellent story.

[D. Robert Pease]

I just read recently (although I can't find the article), that starting stories with weather is becoming a cliche'. So you might want to switch that up a bit.

I also had problems with the tense, and I agree with Jessica, that I would probably switch it all to past tense vs. present. I am curious to know what happens next, the unexplained forced march being the biggest unanswered question. But I'm probably not interested enough to want to turn the page.

[KathyF]

The tense changes were a turn off for me. I prefer past tense rather than present. I need to see a hint of a reason for why of the forced march much, much earlier. Finally got one at the very end of the first page. But by that time, I'm thinking that the leader is just doing some sort of drill to get her men in shape - which is not interesting to me. It looks like a military book which I only like if they have strong characters and plots (good worldbuilding helps, too). So, without that and with the grammar problems, I wouldn't turn the page.

[hope101]

I like the worldbuilding too, and once you figure out tense, you're going to be better at description than me, that's for sure.

I have to cast me vote as another person who prefers past tense to present. But whatever you pick, make it consistent.

As a final suggestion, brush up on point of view. You've written this from the omniscient perspective. (We're like God, in that we can both see the panoramic view when the commander is still inside the tent, and that we can understand everyone's thoughts, from the men collectively to the commander). Omniscient is not done very often these days. If you want to keep it, you can, but just be aware that limits your marketability.

[Dai Alanye]

I have a problem with men and women acting out of character, as in women officers whipping the troops. Unless this is going to be a role-reversal story, it's un-natural.

And if it *is* role-reversal, an earlier hint would be helpful.

BTW, it's agin US military law (and has been for some time) for officers to utilize summary corporal punishment. In other words, officers no hitta da men, and should lay that duty on NCOs, when necessary. Even then, it would be a rare occurrence in a well-disciplined outfit.

[Hyaline]

I was jolted by the tense issues, too, which was unfortunate as the scene setting was effective and drew me in--but the technical troubles forced me back out again. I personally prefer past tense, and it can sometimes be easier to write (for me, at least). If keeping up with the present-tense writing is proving difficult, as it looks like it did here, maybe consider giving past tense a shot and see if it flows more naturally. I disagree that your lady Lieutenant Colonel is acting out of female character--it sounds like in the world you're creating, it's perhaps quite natural, as is smacking soldiers around! I think I might like to see the beginning more cleary shown through her eyes (if she is going to be our main character), rather than it just unfolding--she sees the encampment, rather than it's just described.

[Kaycee]

The tense shifting was a big issue for me. Personally, I would have gone with past tense also.

But I do think the story has potential. I am curious to learn more about the world. I would like a description of the "blood tiger."

Something that stood out was the repetition of the word "heavy" twice in the same sentence. I would suggest eliminating the second use and simply say "the heavy fog that hung like velvet." Heavy is already implied, especially for everyone who has ever touched velvet.

If you haven't done so already, you may want to consider joining a writer's group, either locally where you live, or online. It can help you address the technical issues like shifting tenses and grammatical errors.