Flogometer for Sheri. Would you turn the page?

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Sheri’s first 16 lines (a prologue):

October, 1945. Midnight.

“I can do this.” Grace straightened her velvet robe and sat demurely on the entrance sofa. His smell hit her senses with familiar warmth. Grace shook the tension out of her hands, resting them on her lap. Stay calm. If I am calm, how could he not listen? A click broke the silence as the lock turned on the door. The grand door creaked opened to reveal the face she longed for and feared.

“Grace, come to me.” His arms opened as she ran to him; the two embraced. The war was not long, only a fraction of her existence, yet it seemed as if it were a millennia. Lifting her head from Kristof’s shoulder, she smiled again as Eva entered behind him.

“Eva!” Grace pulled from Kristof to meet her.

“Hello, Grace.” Eva gave Grace a courteous embrace.

“I missed you both so much.” Grace’s eyes began to water.

“Where is Lily?” Kristof asked.

Grace went rigid. Eva looked her in the eye and whispered, “Could it be true? Is she really gone?” Eva’s eyes sparked with hope. Her voice was more pleasant now.

Grace lowered her eyes. “She left. I couldn’t stop her.” Without looking at Kristof, Grace gingerly walked towards the music room. “Kristof, please…would you play for me? I’ve (snip)

Didn’t make it to compelling for me
While the character is feeling tension, I didn’t. If we knew why she was tense (which is that she expects Kristof to be violently, dangerously enraged at Lily’s absence), it would help. I think more snippets of scene setting and action staging would be helpful to let the reader take in the action in a context. I believe, from what I gathered in the rest of the chapter, that these may be vampires or other paranormal creatures, but that’s not evident here, and that, too, might help stir interest. Now to get picky.

October, 1945. Midnight.

“I can do this.” Grace straightened her velvet robe and sat demurely on the entrance sofa. His smell hit her senses with familiar warmth. Grace shook the tension out of her hands, resting them on her lap. Stay calm. If I am calm, how could he not listen? A click broke the silence as when the lock turned on the door. The grand door creaked opened to reveal the face she longed for and feared. (“sat demurely” is trying to make an adjective do the work of real description—try losing the adjective and showing behavior that communicates demurely, i.e. hands clasped in her lap and gaze downcast. I suggest “scent” rather than “smell” here. What is a “grand” door? This strikes me as a “conclusion” word that doesn’t actually give a picture. Use description that adds up to grand if this aspect of the door is important. If not, I suggest cutting it.)

“Grace, come to me.” His arms opened as she ran to him; the two embraced. The war was not long, only a fraction of her existence, yet it seemed as if it were a millennia millennium. Lifting her head from Kristof’s shoulder, she smiled again as Eva entered behind him. (“the two embraced” is very distant in point of view, the author’s, not the character’s, and this distances the reader from her. I think the tense in the third sentence needs work. It implies that the war is over. Shouldn’t it be: The war had not been long, only a fraction of her existence, yet it had seemed as if it were a millennium.)

“Eva!” Grace pulled from Kristof to meet her. (I think it would be a good idea to show us Eva’s presence somehow, either in the first paragraph when Kristof enters or before Grace speaks here, i.e. Eva stepped into the room and searched it with her gaze.

“Hello, Grace.” Eva gave Grace a courteous embrace. (“courteous” is another conclusion word posing as description—note that it doesn’t really give you a picture of the action. Conclusion words amount to “telling” rather than “showing.”)

“I missed you both so much.” Grace’s eyes began to watered.

“Where is Lily?” Kristof asked said. (While not technically wrong, using “asked” when the sentence has a question mark always strikes me as redundant.)

Grace went rigid. Eva looked her in the eye and whispered, “Could it be true? Is she really gone?” Eva’s eyes sparked with hope. Her voice was more pleasant now. (Would “stiffened” be better, crisper, than “went rigid?”)

Grace lowered her eyes gaze. “She left. I couldn’t stop her.” Without looking at Kristof, Grace gingerly walked towards the music room. “Kristof, please…would you play for me? I’ve (snip) (This is an example of how writers frequently misuse “eyes” for “gaze.” In this case, the sentence literally means that she somehow took her eyes and lowered them on her face. Using “gingerly” is another adverb trying—and failing—to be description. What does “gingerly” walking look like? It brings no image to mind for me.)

I saw plenty of potential in this story (BTW, have you tried opening with the first chapter rather than a prologue?), but I think that Sheri needs to inhabit her character more deeply to deliver the experience of the scene. And stay away from the adverbs and conclusion words (a post on conclusion words is here).

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
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6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Kami]

First of all, I'm sorry I somehow missed this one!

I had a lot of problems with voice, but that voice may work for someone else, so keep that in mind. To me the tone read very over the top, like these were actors on a stage rather than real people in a moment of their lives (or unlives.)

I get this impression from the very beginning--the character poses and waits for an entrance. Then the entrance happens, and a command, and the two rush together. (I imagine them cheek to cheek so that both their faces are toward the camera, but no, she puts her head on his shoulder.) Then the third character enters and they begin to talk about a fourth character who isn't there.

It may be that these kind of characters are the sort that orchestrate every move. If so, don't change a darned thing.

It might be good to add a hint of the reason why Grace is apprehensive right from the start, which will give us the stakes. Not listening to her doesn't seem that dire to me. Will Kristof hurt her? Abandon her? Kill her?

I hope this helps.

[sheri]

Thanks for your comment. I wish I would've sent the most recent version to Ray. Your point is well taken, and quite funny. Thanks to Ray and Kami for their help!

[Christine H]

I found myself feeling confused. At first, I thought that Grace must be some kind of courtesan who has to please the man entering the room, and she is nervous as to whether he will approve of her performance. I also thought that perhaps she was some kind of spy, sent to get information from him.

But when he comes in, there isn't any tension between them. So I'm left with a big question mark as to what is really going on.

The entrance of Eve seems like a distraction from the real connection between Grace and Kristoff, which I haven't figured out yet. I also don't know where they are or in what time. What country? What century? Grace sounds like an American or English name, and Kristoff sounds Russian or Germanic.

It sounds like it could be a very intriguing story, if it were presented differently. I would probably turn the page just to try to figure out who these people are and what is really happening, but not because I've been hooked on the story yet.

[Christine H]

P.S. I apologize. I didn't see the "October 1945" at the top. I am new to this, and only saw the version with the blue comments in it, which broke up the flow for me as well.