Flogometer for Mysti. Would you turn the page?

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My book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells, is now available for pre-order at Amazon.com. I should be printing and shipping within in a few weeks, and early orders will be tremendously helpful.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

Some homework. Before sending your novel's opening, you might want to read these two FtQ posts: Story as River and Kitty-cats in Action. That'll tell you where I'm coming from, and might prompt a little rethinking of your narrative.

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Mysti’s first 16 lines:

In a split second a 300-pound Puerto Rican woman is jilted to the right by the lurch of the train. I’m anchored between an arm rail and an Indian kid. Across from me is a man made for centerfolds with eyes like little chips of onyx under a chocolate mop of hair. Despite the left and right, back and forth bobbing of the rickety car, his body remains motionless. Then everything goes black.

My view is blocked by a giant armpit—a dark patch of hair sprouting like a dead smelly fern. Another guy in a wife beater clings to the metal noose overhead. It’s 90 in Manhattan today, and 20 degrees hotter underground. It stinks like spoiled meat.

Clickity, Clank, BANG! The silver tin snake has whipped us to the edge of our seats. “DAMN!” someone yells. Mr. Model sends a smirk my way, and I notice his arm needled with ink, lines of Hebrew script curl around his bicep, and vanish under the edge of his sleeve. He’s reading the paper.

The train slows and the conductor’s voice booms, “34th Penn Station, transfer to the Long Island Railroad.” The doors part and a woman falls forward into the train, rammed by a ruthless mob behind her. I notice her eyes the size of plums, and her hands cradling her belly. She’s pregnant.

Voice pulled me forward, but then. . .
Despite some technical nits, this writer’s/character’s voice was fresh and appealing enough to get me to the next page. But then the story failed to show up. We ride the subway, get off, buy a bagel, go to work in the ad agency, and get exposition. Oh, and we shift from the present tense that starts the story to past tense. Because of the opening appeal, all that was disappointing. More later, but now some notes:

In a split second, a 300-pound Puerto Rican woman is jilted jolted to the right by the lurch of the train. I’m anchored between an arm rail and an Indian kid. Across from me is a man made for centerfolds with eyes like little chips of onyx under a chocolate mop of hair. Despite the left and right, back and forth bobbing of the rickety car, his body remains motionless. Then everything goes black.

My view is blocked by a giant armpit—a dark patch of hair sprouting like a dead smelly fern. Another guy in a wife-beater clings to the metal noose overhead. It’s 90 ninety in Manhattan today, and 20 twenty degrees hotter underground. It stinks like spoiled meat. (The previous “everything goes black” led me to expect that the lights went out or the character was knocked out or something like that, but it turned out to be exaggeration. Unrealistic exaggeration. That took me out of the story. Also, who is “another guy is a wife-beater?” The guy with the armpit, or someone else. Lack of clarity here. I deleted the last sentence because we didn’t need any more, having already been assaulted with a dead smelly fern, IMO.)

Clickity, Clank, BANG! The silver tin snake has whipped whips us to the edge of our seats. “DAMN!” someone yells. Mr. Model sends a smirk my way, and I notice his arm, needled with ink, lines of Hebrew script curling around his bicep, and vanishing under the edge of his sleeve. He’s reading the paper. (We’re having some tense problems, which show up later on. Not a good sign. Also, there’s a lack of tension growing, as well.)

The train slows and the conductor’s voice booms, “34th Penn Station, transfer to the Long Island Railroad.” The doors part and a woman falls forward into the train, rammed by a ruthless mob behind her. I notice her eyes, the size of plums, and her hands cradling her belly. She’s pregnant. (While the writer has given us a terrific sense of place, it’s not in the context of story. Which makes this end up as “throat-clearing,” that nervous writerly habit that precedes actually telling the tale—and robbing the narrative of the drive it needs to keep pages turning.)

Mysti’s character is a writer in an ad agency, and I suspect that she may be as well. That’s all fine, but just about all of the first chapter was us seeing her in that environment and getting a little backstory about her life. I felt that we needed something to happen that promised trouble for her, something to kick-start a need that she needs to take care of. And then there was the shift from present tense to past. Mysti, I think you’re a talented writer who needs to focus more on story and less on writing, and to pay attention to grammar issues like comma faults and verb tense. And your description sometimes became so clever that it took me out of the story—for example, when you described giving a man 75 cents as giving him “three shiny heads.” Keep at it, simplify, and GET TO THE STORY.

Comments, anyone?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Public floggings available. If I can post it here,

1. send 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter as an attachment (cutting and pasting and reformatting from an email is a time-consuming pain) and I'll critique the first couple of pages.
2. Please format your submission as specified at the front of this post.
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
4. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
5. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
6. If you rewrite while you wait you turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

ARCHIVES

© 2009 Ray Rhamey

Comments

[Jessica]

I really, really liked this. It was sharp. It was crisp. The model-looking dude with the Hebrew tatts made me shiver.

It sounds like the intriguing opening for an urban fantasy novel, with Handsome Subway Guy as some sort of a supernatural being that will come back into the MC's life at some crucial point. Is this what's going to happen? I hope so...because otherwise, the setup might come off as a cheap trick.

Have to say, I didn't notice the tense issues until Ray pointed them out. But an editor would. An agent would. I'd suggest rewriting exclusively in past tense, because it's hard to maintain present tense throughout a novel.

I thought this was a strong opening and voted "yes." Good luck with it.

[Jess]

I voted yes because it had energy, but I agree with the faults Ray points out, especially the tense-hopping. There wasn't conflict, but I had story questions about the Model (could've spent less time with him so as to have more room for tension!) and the pregnant woman - I wanted to know if she was going to fall, if the MC would help her, etc. I ride the subway (Philadelphia) and I know how nasty it can be, and often envision all sorts of strange things that could happen while trapped in that narrow tube, so I think this could go somewhere. But follow Ray's advice, yes, please.

[Mysti]

Thanks for your comments, and I'm taking Ray's feedback to heart also. So the model guy pops up in the story later, but the gist is the narrator is new to NYC planning to join her accomplished sister - BUT 9/11 strikes and takes the sister's life. So complicated grief sets in and some dangerous entanglements.

Based on Ray's advice, an idea I have now is to jump quicker to the scene where she exits the subway and sees the vigils still burning. Her sister is one of the faces in the photos, play that out a little more?

"What it's worth" is much to me, and I really do appreciate the comments.

[Kami]

I really liked this, but even before Ray let me know that the chapter continues with a typical day, I saw hints that this is exactly what it would be. Everything going black sounded promising--power out, something about to happen--but it turned out it was just the light getting blocked for a bit. I agree that the rotten meat smell didn't add anything, unless it was a clue that something on the train is wrong.

I voted a reluctant no despite the awesome writing--no story hook, and signs that there would be lots of description but the story itself would be thin and slow-moving. I would really like to be wrong and have this turn out to be a best seller! The level of prose is definitely there.

[hope101]

You have a knack for imagery and metaphor, so please keep up with that. Once you fix the tense issues, my only other suggestion is to work at keeping the conflict on each page.

Good luck.

[jodi]

I was one of the people who voted no. I read your comment, Mysti, and I read Ray's. I agree with Ray that it needs to open faster. Ordinary world works great in screenplays, but sometimes--page-wise--it takes a little too long. I think you now have a firm grasp on what you need to do to hook an editor. Opening when the action starts and your heroine exits the subway would be much stronger. But the bagel Ray mentioned? Imho, stopping for food, unless it's important to the storyline just slows things down. :)

[Christine H]

Dear Ray,

It is "another guy IN a wife-beater" which means he's wearing one of those tank-top style undershirts. I didn't know this term either until my husband mentioned it a while ago. I guess guys who beat their wives walk around in their undershirts.

Mysti,
I was thinking about this some more (how you remind me of myself earlier in my writing!) and I think if you let the character think about how she would describe the train if she was advertising it, it might help explain who she is and what she does, while also getting to use those colorful descriptions. Like, she could be thinking, "Gee, how would I desribe *this* experience for the agency... New York Metro: Treats you like dead meat, and smells like it, too."

That's a terrible example, but I hope you see what I mean.

[Air Jordan]

** let's go to shopping!!**